'At My Wedding, I Wanted to Have Sex With My Ex'

“During my marriage, my only affairs were with my exes.” –A married woman

“Nothing burns like an old flame.” –Harlan Coben

Intense sexual (and emotional) desires, which are ignited by novelty and change, typically fade with time. One major exception is yearning for ex-lovers. Here, we desire someone familiar and known, instead of the novelty of new romance, so how can this puzzle be explained?

Attitudes Toward Past Lovers

“The past isn’t dead. It’s not even past.” –William Faulkner

Most of us consider the past in two major opposing ways: (a) the intellectual, pessimistic approach of “what’s done is done,” a belief that there is no point crying over spilled milk; and (b) the emotional, optimistic attitude that idealizes the past. In our goal-oriented society, the past is of little concern: Our gaze is directed at the future, and it seems irrational to invest our limited resources in past events. Although the past is unchangeable, however, its emotional impact is immense.

Ex-lovers

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These days, ex-lovers can be easily found on social media. Exes rarely disappear from the Internet; hence, it is hard to forget them. Indeed, many people have tried to locate exes, hoping to rekindle their romantic sentiments. Nearly half of daters and cohabiters report a reconciliation, and more than half of those who break up continue a sexual relationship together (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013).

Do You Still Love Your Ex?

Here are several answers of people to the question: “Do you still love your ex?” (Reddit, here and here)

“Not really truly in love, but definitely still heartbroken.”

“She is not my first or last love, but for some reason that wound hasn't healed and that love is still there.”

“Three years since we last saw each other in person. Recently I told him that I will always love him but if he is happy without me he should block me. So, he did.”

“She crosses my mind every day. It is one of my greatest desires to talk to her at least once more before I die of old age.”

“I think I'll always love him, despite what an awful person he is.”

“Day 801—still in love.”

“I love a version of her that never existed, or one that was so suppressed I only saw it a few times.”

“I really love him truly and deeply, he’s in my heart and in my mind, I hope one day I will see him again.”

“Ten years, and still a gut punch on my end. Glad she’s doing well, but, damn, I wish it was me she was with.”

“I don't think I've ever been that upset over a breakup. All of my breakups happened for good reasons.”

Explaining Yearning for Ex-Lovers

“Maria Elena used to say that only unfulfilled love can be romantic.” –Juan Antonio, in the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.” –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Explaining the complex experience of yearning for exes depends on personal and circumstantial factors. Nevertheless, I suggest an explanatory framework that can be applied to most cases of such yearning that centers on an incomplete, romantic, familiar, partially fulfilled, and idealized road.

People are often excited by anything that is incomplete, unusual, unfinished, unfulfilled, unsettled, unexplained, or uncertain (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000). It has been found that those who experienced unfinished business with the deceased had a higher risk of chronic and severe reactions to grief (Klingspon et al., 2015). Yearning for ex-lovers involves a feeling that love was unfilled, with the persistent feeling that it could have blossomed if circumstances had not prevented it. The partial fulfillment enhances yearning for its completion, which could be expressed in casual sex or enduring romantic relationships. The absence is like a hole in the lover’s heart that can neither be filled nor ignored. This yearning is associated with various other factors; I focus here on idealization, regret, and attachment.

Romantic love often idealizes lovers in general, past ones in particular. Nostalgia, which is longing for circumstances that no longer exist, has the benefits of reconstructing a person’s personal past to gain a sense of continuity (Ai et al., 2023). Nostalgia is a bittersweet longing that combines the pleasurable positive feeling of the past with the pain that it is absent. Yearning for exes involves idealization of the features that existed alongside other ones responsible for the separation.

Regrets are central in personal relationships. In the short term, people regret their actions more than their inactions, but when people look back on their lives, those things that they have not done are the ones that produce the most regret. Thus, on the “morning after,” people often regret casual sex interactions, but when people look back at their lives, they regret missing romantic and sexual roads not taken. Yearning for exes is a combination of these types of regrets that concerns a unique road that was partially taken and could be taken again. This combination makes it an intense, unfinished romantic business.

According to attachment theory, people form strong emotional bonds with their lovers. These bonds can create deep connections that cannot be severed quickly. Thus, having higher levels of attachment anxiety is indicative of a greater desire to rekindle a past relationship. This happens because breakups cause a reduction in the clarity of our idea of ourselves. Being anxious in our attachment style during a breakup may cause us to doubt our sense of self, which motivates us to try to rekindle previous relationships (Cope & Mattingly, 2021).

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The Value of Ex-Lovers

“At my wedding, I wanted to jump out of the window and have sex with my ex, but my husband is still a good person.” –A married woman

“Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.” –Flavia Weedn

The value of reconnecting with an ex depends on various factors. If two people were good friends in their youth, the chances of engaging in a successful romantic relationship in the present are greater. However, if they were in a committed relationship and separated after not being able to make it work, it is less likely the reunion will later succeed. Nevertheless, being older and having gained further experience might change the circumstances to the extent that a current relationship with an ex is more successful. When the failure of the past relationship was not due to lack of love or incompatibility, but to harsh external circumstances, the chances of a good reunion are higher (Ben-Ze’ev, 2024; 2019). One study shows that nostalgic memories about ex-partners resulted in a higher perceived current relationship quality and positive perception of self-growth; such memories can have a positive impact on current relationships to which you are really committed (Ai et al., 2023).

People find it easier to have a sexual relationship with their ex-lovers as there is a kind of familiarity and a shared history between them that facilitates such activity. This means that a connection with exes often generates jealousy in the current partner. Moreover, these rekindled relationships tend to suffer a lower relationship quality and function worse than never-broken-off relationships (Dailey et al., 2009; 2017; Rodriguez et al., 2016).

The greater feasibility of rekindling previous romantic bonds increases the hardship of modern lovers to stay in their present relationship. They experience not only constant doubts about which road to take but also regrets over the roads partially taken. Indeed, love nowadays is not a rose garden.