Must Love Require Compromise?

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"At my wedding, I wanted to jump out of the window and have sex with my ex, but my husband is still a good person.” —A married woman

“In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.” —Tim Allen

Romantic compromise is common, but its value is disputed, since prevailing romantic ideology rejects any type of compromise, settling, or moderation. The very term "romantic compromise" seems contradictory; you cannot tell your partner, “I love you, darling, even though I’m compromising for you.” However, romantic relationships involve good and bad compromises (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008, and here).

Women Explain Their Romantic Compromises

I begin my discussion with several citations from women explaining their own compromise:

“I thought that without compromising, I would not get married.”

“I thought he would change.”

“I compensated for my own marital compromise by dating other married men. Sad, but true.”

“He was the man who I wanted to be the father of my children.”

“I had no passionate feelings for him, but he was a good friend.”

“I chose an older and less passionate man, as I thought he would bring out the best in me.”

“He is stupid, but he loves me very much.”

“I did not love my late husband, but I respected him. He was very kind and proud of me and gave me back my self-confidence.”

Compromise and Sacrifice

“Love is not a feeling of happiness. Love is a willingness to sacrifice.” —Michael Novak

To make a sacrifice is to give up something precious to gain something else, in this case, the enhancement of the relationship. To compromise is to give up the pursuit of a better prospect in order not to risk losing an existing situation, even if that situation is somewhat worse than the relinquished prospect. Sacrifice entails actual deeds and losses: we cannot sacrifice in our mind what we do not have in reality. Compromise risks possible losses, which are constantly reconsidered in our minds.

Romantic compromise is problematic because it requires giving up alluring alternatives and simultaneously yearning for them. In our society, an abundance of romantic options seduces those in happy, functioning relationships to search for better, or at least different, alternatives. This abundance may prevent us from being happy with our own lot. You may believe that your partner is a good match, or at least good enough for you, but the presence of seductive options stops you from accepting it. Lovers cannot rest these days, even when their romantic road is smooth (it may be a bit boring, but it is still a valuable road).

Rather, since the roads not taken are seen as more attractive, many feel they are compromising by not experiencing different alternatives, which are not necessarily better (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

In a world without constraints, we would not need compromises: we would get whatever we wanted. In reality, there are many limitations to what we can achieve, and compromises are necessary. However, there are various kinds of compromises.

Implicit and Explicit Compromises

“Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.” —Janis Joplin

Melinda Williams and Danielle Sulikowski distinguish between implicit and explicit compromise. In implicit compromise, individuals compromise on the quality of their potential partners by implicitly adjusting their ideal partner preferences in accordance with their own mate value. In explicit compromise, people explicitly choose partners who fall short of their preferred ideal standards. Implicit compromise is more common. Adaptive compromise directs individuals towards the highest quality partners they can attract and retain, given their own mate value and prevailing circumstances (Williams & Sulikowski, 2020).

A major way of making good compromises is by implicitly modifying our ideal standards by either lowering them or changing the relative importance given to each trait (or achievement). We may consider the relevance of a cognitive scale, measuring the extent of the partner’s traits, and an evaluative scale, assessing the importance of each trait. While we are limited in the manner we can evaluate the trait’s extent, its importance is easier to modify (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; here).

Good and Bad Compromise

“Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now.” —Zig Ziglar

“Life is full of trade-offs and there is no perfect solution, but it doesn’t have to feel like a compromise if you find meaning in your relationship.” —Renée Shen

Although compromising is necessary, there are good and bad ways of compromising (here). Following Robert Goodin’s analysis (2012) of good settling, I characterize good romantic compromise as (1) setting one’s mind at rest; (2) being limited in time, while the compromise is not merely temporary; (3) having an intrinsic value, and (4) continuing to strive.

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1. Setting one’s mind at rest. Good romantic compromises provide the lover’s heart with a home to rest in. When lovers accommodate the values and desires of their beloved, they are not necessarily compromising on their own values or desires but are sharing those of the other person while considering them as their own. Not every change in one’s values is a compromise.

2. Existing for a limited, but not momentary, amount of time. Good romantic compromises are ongoing experiences over time—they are not momentary but might also not last for a long time. When making a good romantic compromise, the temporal perspective is broader than the immediate situation.

3. Having intrinsic value. Good romantic compromises are valuable, not merely because they prevent futile, frustrating searches for the perfect person, but also because they promote their partner’s flourishing. Good romantic compromises include accepting a good-enough relationship, while continuing to improve it.

4. Striving. Good compromises do not stop striving, however, striving is focused on nurturing the romantic relationship, rather than relentlessly seeking to replace it.

When making good compromises, the feeling of compromising vanishes, or at least reduces, while the relationship develops. A bad compromise makes the relationship worse, and divorce is almost inevitable. Good compromises are those in which an initial conflict of values over time turns into a convergence of values.

Compromises in Choosing a Partner and Staying With a Partner

“I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.” —Mae West

In our society, which involves an abundance of seductive options, we rarely have to compromise when choosing a partner. However, such abundance makes staying with one person more difficult, as there are many seductive alternatives. Similarly, Marie Thouin claims that polyamorous people make both more and less compromises than monogamous couples. They compromise less when choosing a partner because the freedom to have more than one partner allows people to get more of their romantic, sexual, and social needs met. However, polyamory involves more compromise to stay with a partner, since people must compromise on the needs, feelings, and boundaries of multiple partners and themselves (Thouin, 2024). Masha Halevi (2021) further argues that in light of the abundance of many conflicting needs involved in a polyamorous cluster, the communication of people should be profound and positive, as in, for example, nonviolent communication, which significantly reduces conflicts (Halevi, 2021; Rosenberg et al., 2015). These conflicting needs, therefore, seem to be a blessing in disguise.

In conclusion, these are the best and worst times for lovers. Lovers experience the hardship of many romantic relationships that don’t last long, as well as many other relationships crumbling due to romantic compromise. However, these are also flourishing times for lovers, which we might even call its renaissance, as love is always in the air and is essential in choosing a partner and staying in a relationship. Love cannot be dismissed any longer as a silly fantasy; it is perceived as realistic and feasible for many people. Love has made an impressive comeback. And rightly so.