Why Women in Couples with Large Age Gaps Face So Much Criticism

“I am a 24-year-old dating a 41-year old. Best relationship ever. He's not needy or insecure. We've been dating for 9 months and still in the honeymoon stage, which just keeps getting better.” —Esther

“I'm 42. I recently met a guy who was 26 and we had such incredible chemistry. This attraction was surprising to me because I am married to a 48-year old man.” —Jane

“I have always been attracted to older men; the age gap is good for me, as it keeps me younger.” —Omer

The derogatory term “cougars” refers to women trying to seduce young men. Conversely, young women marrying older men are often termed “gold-diggers.” Why does society criticize women for being in relationships with large age gaps?

What the Research Says

“Sexually? Younger guys are better (23 is the Goldilocks in my experience!) Relationship? Same age as me or slightly older.” —Mary

“I'm a polyamorous woman. It seems that poly-men are more likely to approach much younger women. I’m 32, my husband is 32, and my paramour is 62!” —Miriam

Research suggests that in Western societies, men usually prefer somewhat younger wives, and women prefer somewhat older men; in both cases, the average gap is about three years. In non-Western societies, the age gap is bigger. Studies indicate that when men remarry, or marry at an older age, age gaps typically increase. With women it is the opposite: When they remarry, or marry at an older age, the age gap usually decreases. In homosexual marriages, the age gaps are typically greater.

One study found that, at first, both women and men tend to be more satisfied with younger partners, but then marital satisfaction declines more rapidly over time (Lee & McKinnish, 2018). These findings indicate that at the beginning of a relationship, a large age gap is perceived as something different and unknown, which is typically more exciting than something stable and familiar.

Women Are Still Punished More

“I prefer young men. They don’t know what to do but they do it all night long.” —Madonna

“The sexual stamina in young men is better than in older men, but this does not necessarily imply better erotic sex, which is a wonderful dance guided by a loving heart. Hence, I am attracted to men of my age and they are (very) attracted to me.” —Lilian

Although most contemporary marriages are between partners similar in age (men being somewhat older), as women get older, more show interest in younger men. However, women are still much less likely than men to seek younger intimate partners. Thus, it was found that among people age 40-69 in the U.S., 17% of women (compared to 64% of men) said that an ideal partner would be at least 5 years younger (Alarie, 2019).

A significant age gap (over 10 years) is often perceived as more problematic than relationships with minor or no age gaps. Most of the criticism is directed at women, both the older and younger in these relationships.

Both the U.S. and France have recently elected leaders who have a 24-year gap with their wives. Donald Trump is 24 years older than Melania, while Emmanuel Macron is 24 years younger than Brigitte. The Trumps' age gap is hardly discussed, but the French age gap is central in the media, especially since they first met when Emmanuel was 15 and Brigitte was his 39-year old Drama teacher. Two years later, their affair began and finally led to Brigitte’s divorce. (She is the mother of three children from her earlier marriage.) The French relationship began with profound love and overcame many hurdles. The American relationship is based on common interests, indicating its superficiality. Notably, Princess Diana was 13 years younger than Prince Charles, while Camilla, Charles’s former lover and now his wife, is more than a year than him. Charles’ preference was for the older woman.

Double Moral Standard

“I’ve been a cougar ever since my divorce five years ago. Their bodies are hotter, d--ks are harder, and they try harder to please me. I like to have fun and enjoy my life and younger men are perfect for that.” —Susan

The derogatory term “cougar,” refers to older women trying to “seduce” young men who are not looking for genuine love. Another derogatory term, reserved for women, is “gold digger”, referring to young women who marry older men in order to access their fortune. There are no such negative attitudes concerning older or younger men marrying a female partner. Often, these men are admired by others and are proud of themselves.

Across the world, the percentage of marriages with significant age gaps has decreased. The greatest decrease is in relationships where men are older; there has been a slight increase in relationships where women are older, though in most age-gap marriages, it is men who are older. The double standard against women may have shrunk but not disappeared.

Relationships Essential Reads

10 Ways to Spot a Love Bomber

5 Ways to Tell if You, and Your Relationship, Will Grow Over Time

Sleeping with younger men

“I don’t know if I’m attracted to younger guys or younger guys are attracted to me. It’s just their energy, their enthusiasm, and the biggie: less baggage.” —Annette

“I was 42 when I met my husband, who was 27. He has actually taught me how to be the best version of me." —Mary

Older women can be attracted to younger men in the same manner that older men are attracted to younger women. The high divorce rate in our society and the fact that mature men are attracted to young women decrease the chances of mature women finding suitable partners their age.

In her studies on age-gap relationships, Milaine Alarie (2019, 2020) claims that romantic relationships in which the women are older disrupt traditional cultural scripts for heterosexual sex on the expression of sexual desire, sexual assertiveness, and the importance of female pleasure. Thus, many people still believe that older women should show less interest in sex, be less assertive in bed, and reduce the importance of sex in their lives. Although these ideas have lost some of their power over the past 60 years, women have not been entirely liberated from the cultural imperative to present themselves as less sexual and less sexually assertive than men.

Alarie claims that older women in relationships with young men claim to have increased self-confidence and sexual assertiveness, and a stronger libido. They also said that the strong sex drive of young men enhanced their own drive. Many women described being uncomfortable with acting on a strong libido when partnered with men their own age or older, worrying about being criticized for being highly sexual and wounding their partner’s masculinity. They reported that their younger partners complained about young women being passive in bed as well as their lack of sexual experience and confidence. The older women said that the young men were more sexually open, which helped them act upon their fantasies.

Alarie concludes that in a culture where aging has a much stronger devaluation effect on women than on men, younger men’s enthusiasm for older women’s sexual experience, confidence, and high sex drive has a particularly positive effect on older women’s ability to refuse the gendered sexual expectations (Alarie, 2019, 2020).

Similarity in Romantic Relationships

“The mentality of having a youthful person on your arm makes you feel good, ageless, makes one feel desired and desirable.” —Valerie Gibson

“Older men are always so damn crotchety! And they don't take me seriously, but it's kind of hot.” —Jane

In enduring romantic relationships involving profound commitment and ongoing shared activities, romantic partners tend to be similar in age, values, political opinion, education, and intelligence. In short-term relationships where commitment is low, people often prefer partners who are different from them.

Age gap is one factor that determines similarity, and high-quality relationships can indeed exist with large age gaps, as long as there is similarity in other aspects. The issue of suitability has greater weight than an age gap and therefore, it is impossible to determine the quality of a relationship by merely taking an age gap into account.

Facebook image: Dmytro Zinkevych/Shutterstock