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Self-Esteem
When Are You Relevant to Your Romantic Partner?
Being romantically relevant implies reciprocity and equality
Posted May 2, 2011
"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less." Unknown
"I bless the day I found you, I want to stay around you, And so I beg you, let it be me." The Everly Brothers
Relevance is a key factor underlying the intensity of our emotions. Something which is relevant to our self-esteem generates intense emotions. Relevance is also important in romantic love. The issue of whether partners consider each other to be relevant to their self-esteem and goals is significant in falling in love and in maintaining it.
Emotional relevance typically refers to our own self-esteem and our aspirations. On one hand, we do not envy trees for their height or lions for their strength, because these are irrelevant to our self-esteem. However, a psychologist may envy another psychologist if the success of the latter diminishes the self-esteem of the former. Similarly, I am angry at a direct threat to something central to me, such as a person who diminishes my achievements or attractiveness or professional knowledge.
Emotional Relevance implies that we are excited most in areas which are particularly significant to us. Goal Relevance, measures the extent to which a given event promotes or hinders our performance or the attainment of specific goals. An enjoyable event may seem negative if it impedes the attainment of a particular goal.
Sometimes greater relevance changes the nature of a given emotion. If someone is better than I in an area that is of little relevance to my self-esteem, then my attitude toward this person may often be admiration. However, in a case of high relevance the attitude is more likely to be envy. Thus, I may admire a successful football player (as I do not have any aspiration of having a career in football), but will envy a philosopher who is more successful than I. Similarly, in romantic relationships, it has been shown that jealousy increases when the rival in question has characteristic relevant to one's self-esteem. For instance, a woman who attributes great importance to her attractiveness is more likely to demonstrate a jealous reaction if her husband is flirting with a very attractive woman. She may feel less threatened if the other woman is very smart if she doesn't see that as relevant to her own self-esteem (see here).
Emotional relevance is also related to emotional closeness. Events close to us in time, space, or effect are usually emotionally relevant. Thus, for instance, emotions are often directed at our neighbors. Envy is notorious in this regard: our neighbor's grass seems greener than ours. As one proverb puts it, "The envious man thinks that he will be able to walk better if his neighbor breaks a leg." However, not everyone who lives in our neighborhood is of great emotional significance to us. One study found that some people are sadder when their favorite football team loses than when they hear that a person down the road died.
Relevance for our self-esteem is important in romantic love in two major aspects: the importance of reciprocity and the desire for equal status.
Reciprocity and mutual attraction are indeed highly valued in a potential mate for both men and women. People like to hear that they are loved and desired. Assuring reciprocity, for example, by repeatedly declaring their love for one another, or by mutual praise, is crucial to lovers. Conversely, lack of reciprocity is very relevant to one's self-esteem and it can be a considerable blow to it.
People are typically sensitive to the attitudes of other people about them since such attitudes reflect their worth in the eyes of the people around them and consequently their ability to improve their situation. The attitude of the beloved is even more relevant in this regard.
A second expression of the importance of relevancy to our self-esteem is our partner's perception of us as equal. In this context theory postulates that those involved in an inequitable relationship take steps to compensate themselves. This is the case for both the "over-compensated," who feel guilty for receiving more from the relationship than they feel their partner does, and the "under-compensated," who feel indignant at being unappreciated or inadequately treated by their partner.
Involvement in extramarital relationships is one way of restoring equity and self-esteem. One obvious consequence of such relationships is that the more deprived individuals feel in their marriage, the more compromises they expect their partners to make and the more likely they are to engage in an extramarital affair. A more surprising result is that the overbenefitted are also more inclined to become involved in extramarital affairs. This can be explained by referring to the wish of those individuals to restore their self-esteem by showing to themselves and their partner that they are still attractive.
To sum up, relevancy is one of the most powerful factors in generating emotional intensity. Being relevant to your romantic partner can be detected, among other things, by realizing whether the partner considers you to be equal and whether you can contribute to the partner's self-esteem. Considering many of your common activities to be intrinsically valuable activities can be a good sign for being relevant to your partner. Thus, if you can help each other in activities which are relevant to each-other's self-esteem and goals, the partner may perceive you as of greater relevance to her.
The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, if you intend to have an affair, please take one of those stupid blondes and not a beautiful and wise woman like me (which in any case will be so hard for you to find)."
