Ageism: How Not to Be Invisible

This is unfortunately something that most of us will face as we get older. We may first experience it when we do not get hired for the job that we think we're the perfect fit for or we do not get the promotion that we've been awaiting.

Age discrimination is nothing new, especially in our society. American society often does not value elders as do other cultures and nations. Ageism may be the nice kind, e.g., being overly helpful, or calling you "dear" because you look like "such a nice little old lady." It may also be the not very nice kind such as ignoring you, not taking your request seriously, or treating you as if you are invisible.

There are a number of ways of dealing with this, all of which really depend on what you do. Granted, we need to be more active as a society by making people aware of ageism and trying to change it by passing effective laws that deal with age discrimination, etc. On an individual basis, we can deal with it by being assertive and communicating clearly. To do this, of course, means connecting with the person that you're dealing with rather than ignoring them or letting your feelings prevent you from dealing with the situation.

To be resilient in these situations, you need to rein in the feelings that you may have. I didn't say forget them or ignore them, but vent them later. Talk about them later with someone who will listen and understand, or who may even be with the person you're dealing with if you think they will be receptive. Turn your anger or irritation into assertive behavior. Speak up.

One of the best teachers of this for me was my dear, old mother who died at 96. In her later years, her eyes were failing and I often accompanied her to appointments with health care providers. She was very clear with me and with them that she was the patient and that they should talk with her and not me.

If you are in a wheelchair at any age, you often get ignored. They will talk to the person who is with you and not with you. Don't allow this. Speak up. Mom did this quite masterfully. She often used her age as clout. She would never allow herself to be dismissed until she had all her questions answered. I remember her saying to her primary care doctor, who I knew and liked but was on a treadmill like many other physicians and had only a few minutes with each patient, "Sonny, sit down, I'm not finished. I have some other questions I need for you to answer." And he did. Driving back to her apartment, she commented that he was a very nice physician, but he just needed a little bit more "training."

Indeed she was right about that. In my practice, I hear patients complain frequently about the six minutes they get with their primary care doctor and the fact that he or she spends four of those making notes on their laptop and two of those writing a new prescription. I am a firm believer that healing is in the relationship and often not in the medications.

If you want to help the medical profession, give them some feedback. Don't allow them to dismiss you or discount you. You are the expert on your health and your body. They are working for you. Your health care needs to be a partnership. You need to take responsibility for your part and they for theirs. Give them good attention when you're with them. Try to make eye contact. Make a list of your concerns before you arrive and go through them. Don't allow them to dismiss you until you have had your questions answered. Be clear with your communication and assertive in your tone.

We'll talk more about this in the next post.