Unconscious
Being Happy in Spite of Yourself
You can't consciously choose your feelings.
Posted February 4, 2018
Evolutionary psychology explains useful mental and psychological traits as products of natural selection in the fight for the survival of our species. In the case of human emotion, it points the finger at instinct, operating at a level below our awareness, as the cause of our feelings.
The idea that emotions have developed to instinctively and automatically ensure our survival enables the perspective that control of feelings is only possible after they have occurred and not before. The scope of conscious effort can only ever be moderation; it can never be avoidance or prevention. Also if we accept the survival purpose of our emotions, then all the feelings we experience - negative and positive - are needed for life or death situations.
The decision about whether a circumstance is of life or death significance is assumed to occur at an unconscious level in an area of the brain called the limbic system. The moment of instinct's decision in the limbic system comes before the moment of reaching an understanding of the situation in the frontal lobes of the brain. The earlier time stamp means that instinct-driven emotion happens before we even realize what is occurring and it biases our attitude towards the occurrence.
At a subconscious level, instinct generated feelings color perspective and at least initially, this bias on attitude intensifies and perpetuates such feelings. To break into this circular process requires action in spite of your instinct's influence; an influence over which you have no conscious awareness and no conscious control
On the face of it, it seems like a big ask.
So what does it take?
Step one is the realization that feeling bad (including unhappy) is natural and necessary in situations that trigger your survival instinct.
Step two is an understanding of the type of situations that trigger your instinct without you knowing (all you know is that you feel bad). Such conditions are far broader than literally life or death scenarios.
Step three uses an understanding of what your instinct seeks to ensure your safety to better satisfy your instinct's need and consequently moderate its intrusion into the quality of your life. This creates more opportunities to feel and extend good feelings - to experience happiness more often and for longer.
Situations that unconsciously trigger your survival instinct.
Simply put, the evolution of our species has taught us to seek safety in numbers. Chances of surviving in a group (family, community, country) are higher than surviving alone. Instinct, therefore, increases our probabilities of group membership by motivating us to seek recognition (being noticed), approval (being liked) and being important (to the group) and rewards us with good feelings (satisfaction) when we succeed.
The acronym RAi can help you remember the conditions that your instinct is tirelessly seeking - these are the things that instinct needs to be safe and that everybody wants.
R stands for recognition
A stands for approval
i stands for importance
The small 'i' for importance is deliberate. Most of us don't want to be all-important (capital I) - ruler of the universe. Yes, there are some exceptions, but the vast majority of us just want to be a bit important, to someone.
As RAi is necessary for survival, your instinct is automatically evaluating your RAi through constant comparisons with other peoples’ possessions, expectations, achievements.
It is this incessant and unconscious comparisonitis that instinct uses to ensure your survival that makes unhappiness and dissatisfaction default mood states. When life is kind to you, and you get large doses of RAi, it is comparisonitis that gradually eats away at your happiness and satisfaction leading to the experience that good feelings never last.
How to consciously satisfy your instinct's need for RAi.
Once you understand that your good feelings (happiness) depend on RAi, you can deliberately assist your instinct's unconscious drive to achieve it, especially when the circumstances of your life are not at the moment being kind to you.
There are three ways to accumulate RAi; earn it, give it, and be in the right place at the right time.
Accumulating RAi by earning it through success seems simple enough but in fact is not because success never depends just on your effort. Accumulating RAi by giving RAi to others seems to be a riddle but in reality is simple enough. When you give people what they want, you will receive RAi from them in return, at least for a while. Accumulating RAi from the universe by being in the right place at the right time with the right skills and abilities happens, but is far from reliable and predictable.
Aim to earn it, but don't rely on this strategy. Without some luck, all the variables quoted as being necessary for success are insufficient. Aim to be in the right place at the right time but good luck with that. This doesn't happen very often. Aim to top up your RAi by giving RAi to others. This is the most strategic and reliable method. If you stay up to date with your understanding of others' need for RAi, you can maintain the relevance of your effort in this regard.
This conscious effort can moderate the selfish operation of our survival instinct which puts our needs above others. If we add to our store of RAi by giving RAi, we not only make the world a better place, we also get more control over our own life experience. We can be happy more often and stay happy for longer.
