Self-Help
How to Become Less Stubborn and Rigid
For smart self-improvers, rigidity can be a barrier to growth.
Updated August 29, 2025 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Being too rigid or stubborn can sometimes get in the way of people doing what's in their own best interests.
- These individuals can use "trust but verify" systems for adopting advice without losing autonomy.
- They can learn from others and harness their negative emotions to increase flexibility and personal growth.
Many people recognize that it would benefit them to be less stubborn, rigid, or set in their ways.
An event might precipitate this interest in being more flexible. Perhaps a challenge arises that overwhelms your typical coping approach. Perhaps you need to make a change, but doubt your capacity to make it (like changing your diet for a medical condition, or sticking to a rehab program after an injury).
Perhaps there’s something you’ve sworn you wouldn’t do, like use a new technology, or work at a company with a return to the office mandate, but shifting from that position is beginning to seem like the best course of action for you.
Perhaps nothing specific has occurred, but you identify inflexibility as something you’d like to work on: You can see how having varied approaches and coping strategies could benefit you.
5 Ways to Become More Flexible and Adaptable
If you find yourself being inflexible or stubborn, you probably just don’t have the right system and self-knowledge to access the flexible part of yourself. Use these five approaches to access that flexibility.
1. Identify Who You’re Willing to Take Direct Advice From
We can learn to be less rigid and stubborn by learning from others’ problem-solving approaches. This gives us a bigger repertoire of strategies to draw from when we’re facing challenges.
There are two main ways we can allow ourselves to be influenced by other people. The first is by asking for advice and following it. Who are you willing to ask, “If you had this problem, how would you handle it?”
When you’re in a situation with an overwhelming amount of information, high stakes, or a lot of options, who in your circle would you trust to see through that chaos and develop and execute a plan?
We’re often more willing to take the direct advice of people who are slightly less close to us, like a cousin but not a sibling, or a person we work with occasionally but not every day.
2. Identify Whose Example You’re Willing to Follow
The second way we can be influenced by others is not through direct advice, but by subtly following their example. Say you tend to avoid facing problems, and most of your family are the same. Who can you look to as role models for non-avoidant coping?
Who do you see taking a mature approach to dealing with hard things? What do you see them do? How do you see them wrestling with their shortcomings, anxieties, or setbacks? Observing others and how their mental attitudes are expressed in their behaviors can give you new mindsets to try.
3. Establish a ‘Trust but Verify’ System
There’s value in not blindly trusting information, including from apparent experts. If you tend to be rigid because of low trust, consider developing a “trust but verify” system that you’re cognitively comfortable with (makes intellectual sense to you). This way, taking advice that passes your system will feel natural.
The first step is seeking trustworthy sources, like the best medical specialist you can access. The second step is having a system for deciding to take their advice. This could be a system of cross-checking, or it could be a system of experimenting. You’ll try what they say and see if it works.
4. Utilize Negative Emotions
We’re often scared of strong emotions, but they can be a window of opportunity that allows us to find a more flexible part of ourselves. For example, maybe you’ve tolerated significant anxiety for years and never sought help, but a stressful situation tips you over the edge, and it prompts you to finally address your anxiety.
Because the motivation that comes from these emotional moments can wax and wane, the best use of periods of high motivation is as a springboard for developing a new habit. You can then use the power of the habit to carry you through ups and downs in your motivation.
I don’t just mean behavioral habits here. Cognitive habits are equally valuable to develop. For example, routinely identifying whose example you want to follow when you feel stuck.
5. Question Your Identity Barriers
Sometimes identity gets in the way of flexibility. If we see ourselves as very rigorous, we might reject an approach that feels less rigorous, even when it’s well-suited to the problem at hand. If we see ourselves as unconventional, we might resist advice that feels conventional, or vice versa. If we feel unique, we might resist advice that feels cookie-cutter or patriarchal. Sometimes we feel judged and resist any advice we’re given in that context, even if the advice itself might be useful.
Ask yourself whether you’re rejecting advice because it wouldn’t work or because something about how you’re perceiving it irks you. How could you reframe a solid approach so it reinforces your autonomy rather than undercuts it? For example, you feel judged by advice to take a medication because it feels like admitting your body can’t fix itself, but you reframe it as using technology, something you’re a fan of.
Flexibility Is About Autonomy, Not Acknowledging Weakness
The right message, messenger, or challenge can make us more flexible than we think we are.
What makes us stubborn or resistant to trying other approaches? Sometimes we just don’t think of them. We’re so accustomed to our worldview and our approaches that we don’t think of anything else. Sometimes we resist suggestions because they don’t fit our self-image or because we feel judged.
The strategies outlined in the article can help when a life challenge comes along that feels overwhelming because the problem doesn’t easily cede to your default way of problem-solving. Use the strategies offered to overcome blind spots and associate flexibility with autonomy rather than acquiescence.
