5 Signs That You Need More Self-Compassion

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The positive effects of self-compassion have been extensively researched. In brief: It promotes self-understanding, enhances perspective-taking, reduces rumination, increases cognitive flexibility, improves motivation and self-regulation, and builds resilience.

Yet, the people who could most benefit from learning self-compassion skills often don't see it as a valuable strategy that's applicable to them.

By identifying the signs that you lack self-compassion, you can potentially see it as a valuable option for helping you accrue the research-backed benefits.

Signs You Lack Self-Compassion

1. You Believe Self-Criticism Is the Same as Self-Awareness. You might assume that being hard on yourself is just being honest: If you're not self-critical, you fear you'll be blind to your flaws. But self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes; it means seeing them clearly without unnecessary self-punishment.

2. You Fear Self-Compassion Will Undermine Your Performance. Despite extensive evidence to the contrary, many hard-driving people believe that self-compassion will erode their performance. They fear it will cause them to lose their edge or grit.

If you fear that being kind to yourself will lead to weakness, lower standards, or negative perceptions from others, you're not alone. However, the evidence shows the opposite: It’s not only compatible with elite performance but actively enhances it. High standards and self-compassion can coexist. The evidence: Self-compassion helps people feel engaged while pursuing high-performance goals, without burning out or experiencing excessively negative stress.

3. You Invent Reasons Compassionate Advice Doesn't Apply to You. Studies show that compassionate responses from others, such as coaches or parents, help individuals become more self-compassionate. Yet, people who lack self-compassion often mentally invent reasons compassionate advice doesn't apply to them. They negate the potential benefits of having compassionate supporters and role models.

This applies to behavioral advice. For example, if your running coach recommends taking a full rest day each week, or resting for several days to let an injury heal, you might resist that.

It also applies to cognitive advice, such as "If you can't do the run you want to do, do the run you can do."

If you find yourself thinking that a compassionate approach might be good advice for other people but not you, it's a telling sign you lack self-compassion.

4. You Expect Yourself to Foresee All Perspectives Perfectly. Research shows that self-compassion reduces rumination after anxiety-provoking social events, like being given negative feedback or failing in front of others. It does this by helping people become more cognitively flexible, more open to their emotional experience, and less overwhelmed by their emotions.

However, if you have harsh standards for yourself, you might not believe you deserve self-compassion in this circumstance. You might expect yourself to perfectly foresee how all others might think, feel, and behave. You expect yourself to have a 360-degree crystal ball. You think that you shouldn't ever be surprised by someone's reaction and should be able to prevent any negative social experiences by foreseeing and mitigating all possible thoughts and reactions other people might have.

5. You Don't Think You Deserve to Learn Through Mistakes. You might believe mistakes are a natural and unavoidable part of learning for others—but not for you. When others struggle, you see it as part of the process. But when you make a mistake, you feel like you should have foreseen it and prevented it entirely. You don't give yourself the luxury of learning through experience.

This mindset can leave you stuck in analysis paralysis, trying to think through the perfect approach before ever trying anything. Self-compassion allows you to view mistakes as data rather than failures, helping you adjust and grow instead of getting trapped in self-recrimination.

How to Start Being More Self-Compassionate

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• One way to start being kinder to yourself is to notice any time you think self-compassionate advice doesn't apply to you. Rather than mentally debating whether it does or doesn't apply in your exact situation, experiment with giving the gentle advice a try.
• Combine that with trying a simple, 3-minute compassionate writing exercise, once a week: Many studies that have demonstrated the benefits of self-compassion have had participants complete short writing exercises and examined the effects on various aspects of well-being and performance. Here is a specific example of a writing prompt used in a study. Participants were asked to recall one personal weakness and then write for three minutes: "Write down kind and compassionate messages to yourself. Try not to criticize your weaknesses. Rather, show care and compassion to yourself. As you write, self-critical thoughts might arise. If so, embrace them with warmth and kindness. Take your time, view your weakness compassionately, and address yourself kindly."

By recognizing when and why you might dismiss self-compassion, and adopting a simple journaling practice, you can begin to experience its powerful benefits, fostering greater resilience, clarity, and growth in your life.

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