How to Recognize When You Don't Have to Do Something

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If you're a regular reader here, you're probably familiar with many common thinking errors. For example, catastrophizing, such as if you're accustomed to getting As, and you get one B grade, you fret that it's a sign you're going to fail your course. I even wrote an article outlining 50 common cognitive errors (that, to date, has had about half a million reads—it's a popular topic!).

Even though you've probably heard of a lot of different types of these, some cognitive errors are lesser-known but have considerable real-world importance. One of these is that we sometimes fail to recognize when we don't have to do something. There are several types of this error.

1. When other people tell you to do something.

When other people tell us to do something, we don't always register that, in many situations, we don't actually have to do it. To show how often this occurs in the real world, here are a few examples from my life recently.

• My doctor's office gave me a stack of forms to sign. I declined to sign several of them. For example, I declined binding arbitration, analytics tracking from their electronics records provider, and storing a credit card on file (since they have a history of mischarging). There were no negative consequences of doing this.
• My doctor asked me to take some tests that weren't relevant to me, and I'd already done recently, so I declined them.
• After I'd agreed to do some work, I was given a contract to sign and told it was a standard contract. I didn't want to agree to one of the clauses, so I negotiated it out.
• A company told me there would be a $99 charge to provide an estimate. I asked them to waive it. They did.
• A company tried to upsell me on services I didn't want (or actually need). I had to say "no" several times before they accepted my answer. They framed it as them doing something helpful to me, "We'll send X other company around to assess Y."
• In one case, I was informed that something related to my health care was mandatory, and I simply said that actually, nothing that happens to my body is mandatory. (I was asked to do a pregnancy test before a cervical biopsy when I'm same-sex married. I would've been charged for it, and it felt very heteronormative, which I didn't appreciate.)

Notice that, in many cases, when you are told you have to do something, it's often presented as "standard" or "routine." Often, you will just be directed to do something without any obvious option to not do it. In this scenario, people often imagine there will be negative consequences of declining when there aren't. It's less common that you will be explicitly told something is mandatory. Persuasive, sometimes coercive, methods are usually more stealth than this!

2. When you tell yourself you have to do something.

I get mad when other people tell me I have to do something. However, I'm less good at recognizing when I am telling myself I have to do something. Again, here are a few examples.

• At the playground, I often think I have to keep my child within view at all times. I will follow her around the second she goes out of eyeshot. Logically, I don't think this type of helicopter parenting is ideal, but I fear being judged for not doing it. It usually takes noticing another parent not helicoptering to give me the courage to also not helicopter at the playground.
• In work contexts, I often think I have to do things the way other people do them. When I imagine doing this, it makes the task feel too difficult, and I procrastinate and avoid it. When this happens, I remind myself that, most of the time, it's possible to approach any task from the perspective of my strengths and values. I can approach any task in my own way, and this often leads to useful creativity.
• In career contexts, we often buy into social norms. For example, other people have the assumption that overworking is necessary for success. Even if you don't personally buy into that assumption, it can be hard to resist thinking you need to copy their behavior. When this happens, I explicitly remind myself that I disagree with the other person's assumption.

Tips for falling into this trap less often:

There are a number of methods to help you avoid these cognitive errors.

1. Practice declining.

The more commonly you decline things, the more natural it will feel. The more you decline things, the more you'll see opportunities to decline things. Awareness is the first step. If you're scared, you can start with declining things that don't matter much and when you don't expect much blowback. The more you practice declining, the more skilled you'll become at noticing beneficial opportunities to do so and at handling people's reactions and objections.

2. Study people with "disagreeable" personalities.

One of the Big Five dimensions of personality is whether you're agreeable or disagreeable. I have a disagreeable personality. Being told to do things automatically gets my back up. Therefore, I'm relatively good at noticing when someone is trying to convince me something is mandatory when it isn't. Find some role models who are good at disagreeing and declining. Sometimes an agreeable personality is seen as the "good kind" to have. However, just like introversion and extroversion, both traits have their good aspects.

3. Understand the ways people will try to manipulate you.

When you start declining things, you will notice that you sometimes need to do this several times before your "no" will be accepted. You will also notice that the ways people react typically fall into only a few categories. For example, people either just repeat their ask, or they try to invoke fear within you, or they might bring someone else in to repeat the ask (to increase social pressure and bolster their authority).

4. Link this behavior with one of your other values.

Naturally disagreeable people sometimes just like declining things for the sake of it. They simply don't like being told what to do. However, if you're more agreeable or fearful by nature, you may need to see how declining things relates to your other values. For example, you might strongly value freedom, transparency, equity, justice, inclusion, etc. Sometimes I decline things because I'm educated and privileged enough to do it, and I hope that my making a point raises awareness. For example, I have experience providing trauma-informed care. When a medical provider isn't practicing this (e.g., making opting-out a clear option), I'll point this out because people with trauma histories often aren't able to do this themselves.

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5. Try a different default assumption.

Instead of assuming you have to do what others or your own mind tell you, try starting from the assumption that, in most cases, you don't. Regardless of the truth of this, it's a good exercise in cognitive flexibility. It can help you catch instances you'd otherwise miss.

6. Learn more skills for this and related behaviors.

If you're looking for more skills in this area, my colleague Dr. Todd Kashdan's book, The Art of Insubordination, is a great resource.

People experiencing mental health struggles don't always have the emotional bandwidth to stand up for themselves. This can result in inequities. The more you overlearn skills in this area (through practice and education), the easier it will be to do it even when you're not feeling your best.

Part of psychological health is feeling empowered and being able to act in your own best interests even when you feel intimidated. In most cases, our actions should be driven by our values rather than by trying to avoid temporary negative emotions. Try the strategies in this article to see if they help you feel mentally stronger.

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