Building Emotional Intelligence

Spoken words, news headlines, sounds, facial expressions, and even scents can trigger intense emotional reactions, including anxiety, annoyance, or anger. These types of stimuli are called “emotional triggers,” and they include environmental, interpersonal, or sensory situations that spark sudden, emotionally intense reactions. They might be related to past emotional trauma, current stress, or chronic emotional distress.

A triggered reaction is usually out of proportion to the actual stimulus or event that occurred. This is not to minimize the effects of triggers for someone suffering from PTSD. Therapists have distinguished between the triggered responses in PTSD (not typically described as overreactions) versus triggered overreactions in relationships (LePera, 2021).

Interpersonal emotional triggers

Often, the reaction is unexpectedly strong because of a relationship-related trauma in the past, such as betrayal, rejection, or abandonment. Interpersonal emotional triggers present challenges that differ from those experienced in PTSD. They are usually less intense reactions, but they can affect the quality of the specific relationship that is involved.

For example, you might feel triggered by a comment, a facial expression, or the volume of speech expressed by a person with whom you have an ongoing relationship. If your response to that person is out of proportion to what happened, you can imagine how your relationship with them might be negatively affected.

Steps toward recovering from emotional triggers

Certain steps toward recovering from emotional triggers have been described by Bessel Van Der Kolk, psychiatrist and author of the bestselling self-help book The Body Keeps the Score (Van Der Kolk, 2014). Although Van Der Kolk’s focus was on more intense PTSD-related reactions, the steps toward recovery might be effective for the milder relationship-related reactions as well. These steps include the following.

1. Observe your physical sensations.

The first step toward recovering from a triggering event is identifying your physical and emotional responses. For many individuals, this is itself a challenging step. It requires awareness of the physical response within our bodies when the trigger occurs, such as muscles tightening, heart rate increasing, or sweating.

2. Connect sensations with emotions.

Along with noticing the physical response to a trigger, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional response, such as annoyance or fear, and give it some attention. Allowing these feelings to exist is more helpful than trying to fight them. The effort to quickly rid yourself of these feelings can make them more intense.

According to Van Der Kolk: “Simply noticing our annoyance, nervousness, or anxiety immediately helps us shift our perspective and opens up new options other than our automatic, habitual reactions” (Van Der Kolk, 2014). Rather than responding as if there was an urgent threat, we can learn to sit with the feelings and accept them as our temporary reaction.

3. Note the connection between your emotions and your thoughts.

Our brains instinctively interpret the physiological or emotional response and give it some meaning. For example, the raised voice of a family member may cause our muscles to tense, which is then read by our brains as indicating the presence of a threat to our safety.

While the physical response, such as muscle tension or heart pounding, is immediate, the brain’s interpretation follows it and varies depending upon the individual. Each person might have a different thought about the stimulus that just occurred.

For example, one person might immediately associate that noise with the memory of a shouting, angry parent. A second person might connect the same sound with the memory of a frustrated partner or a critical supervisor. Each person interprets the stimulus in a unique way related to their own past or current life circumstances.

Part of the process of managing responses to triggers is noticing which thoughts come to mind for you and then noting the connection between those thoughts and how you feel. When you notice the connection between the thought and the feeling, you give yourself the choice to consider a different thought that is associated with a much calmer feeling. You gain power over the relationship trigger.

4. Shift focus away from the emotional response to a trigger.

Once you’ve learned to accept the sensations and emotions and notice the thoughts that perpetuate or calm those emotions, you are empowered to respond differently to that trigger. A different response usually requires shifting your focus. At this point, you can exercise your choice of how to shift your focus.

The following are suggestions of several different ways to shift your focus away from the triggering event, comment, or facial expression.

Repeat to yourself a more self-calming thought.

Self-calming thoughts include: “I’m safe,” “I’m OK,” “I have agency,” and “I can get help.” If your situation is more chronic, you might think: “There are people who are available to help me.”

Stop thinking about anything specific and instead get involved in a self-calming activity.

Not thinking about what triggered our emotional reaction frees us to create a safe space and avoid misinterpreting the situation. Move your body: walk, jump, or do squats, for example. Move in whatever way shifts your nervous system back to its calm state.

Seek the presence of someone you trust.

If you’re able to be in the presence of someone whom you trust, you might consider asking for some reassuring words or a hug. As noted by Van Der Kolk, “When we are terrified, nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust.”

5. Avoid assuming a motive for their behavior.

When we are triggered, the emotional reaction (fear, annoyance, etc.) is often quickly followed by an interpretation that seems to help us make sense of our emotions. Thinking too much about a triggering event often leads us to wrongly interpret other people’s motives and intentions.

As described by mindfulness expert Ellen Langer, “Most people typically assume that other peoples’ motives are the same as theirs, although the same behavior may have very different meanings” (Langer, 2014). This habit can extend the time during which we feel the pain of relationship triggers, especially if we assume the worst of intentions.

In his classic writing about emotional intelligence, Daniel Goleman noted: “Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and ‘proofs’ all their own” (Goleman, 2006). It’s a common risk that our feelings can “hijack our thoughts” and lead us to feel justified when overreacting.

The Takeaway

We can feel triggered when we overreact to another person’s behavior or words. Although these types of triggered responses are not quite the same as PTSD-related triggered reactions, similar steps to recovery can be very effective. Managing our own reactions in interpersonal situations is a core part of emotional intelligence.