Let’s face it. We all want things. Sometimes these things are immediate, like wanting the guy in the front row to sit down, while, at other times, they’re more long term, like wanting to live a life of meaning and purpose. Also, the things we want can be serious. Like wanting your dad to pull through the operation. But we can also want less serious things too, like wanting the Vampy Violet shade of nail polish.
Wants can be expressed in their negative form as well. We can be more aware of what we don’t want than what we do want. And sometimes we’re not even aware that we want or don’t want a particular thing until we’re in the situation. On a recent half marathon run, I had someone running right behind my left shoulder for more than a third of the event. The longer the run went on, the more I became aware that I did not want the sound of his labored breathing and shuffling gait so close behind me. I could probably have framed this up in terms of what I did want but, in that moment, it was what I did not want that was upper most in my mind. Funnily enough, I never knew I didn’t want this kind of thing to happen until environmental events conspired to arrange it for me and I discovered something new about myself.
We are all wanters. Every one of us wants lots of different things all day every day. Even animals are wanters. The reason we need a lead when we take our dog for a walk is because dogs frequently want to go in different directions or at a different pace to their owner. We don’t trust the wants of canaries or budgerigars either and we have cages for them.
It’s much easier to deal with the divergent wants of our pets than it is to deal with the differences in wants with our partners or parents or children or friends or colleagues. We can’t really put other people in cages or on leads although we have jails for people who interfere in serious ways with the wants of others. We also have less drastic ways of dealing with people such as offering incentives or penalties.
All the various forms of sticks and carrots are merely ways to try and get other people to want what we want or at least to want to go along with what we want. For these tactics to work people have to either want the carrot or not want the stick and that’s a very difficult thing to manage on an ongoing basis.
Sometimes wanting certain things can actually interfere with other things that are also wanted. Wanting to hang out with your friends might mean that you don’t get the grades you want. Wanting to squeeze into the latest fashion could mean that you can’t have the cheesy garlic and herb bread you really want. Wanting your children to be obedient and compliant may mean that you don’t have the fun, warm relationship with them that you want. Wanting to make sure your social group hears your views on things might mean you don’t get the number of social invitations you want.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting things. We couldn’t stop wanting even if we wanted to. Get it! Even wanting to stop wanting is a want! It’s inescapable. It’s part of who we are. Our wants belong in our own private inventory. We can’t implant wants in other people and insisting that others want what we want rarely works for very long. It might work for as long as the other person wants to get along with you but that can change in a nanosecond.
So, getting to know what you want can be a very useful thing to do. But even more important than knowing what we want right now can be getting to know how the want you’re most aware of right now fits with other wants that are maybe just as important but not at the front of your mind at this instant.
Sometimes, by wanting lots of things, we end up not getting what we want! So, what do you want right now? Why do you want it? (That will reveal another want). What might you want in five years’ time? How will you want to look back on this period of your life in a decade? What else do you want?
The more we can ensure our wants are woven together in a coherent and congruent tapestry, rather than jostling and honking in some cacophonous traffic jam on the spaghetti junction of desires, the more contented and harmonious our lives will be. Now, who wouldn’t want that?!
If you’re interested in these ideas and would like to know a whole lot more about them, a book called Controlling People written by myself and my good friend and colleague Rick Marken might be just what you want! You can find out about the book here: http://tinyurl.com/z4kbrab It’s available as an e-book as well as a print version.
