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I have BPD. It makes me feel sad and scared and unable to be loved. I am amazed at the tone of this article and others like it that I stumble across in my search to learn about and cope with this frightening affliction. This article made me feel bad, and like it's ok that I should be openly avoided, mocked and shunned. The info was useful and interesting but the tone and message hurt my feelings a lot.
Neil J Lavender Ph.D.
Impossible to Please
Personality
Do You Know the 4 Types of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Each one presents a challenge in both love and work. Is there one in your life?
Posted Oct 16, 2013
THE BASICS
So much has been written today about Borderline Personality Disorder. These individuals, often very abused in their childhoods, can wreak havoc in organizational settings and close relationships. They are known for their impulsivity, self-destructive nature, moodiness, anger, and, perhaps most importantly, their tendency to have very intense and stormy relationships. Think Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction. Moreover, they often have additional life problems, often the result of their impulsive nature, on top of this disorder such as substance abuse, eating disorders, financial difficulties, promiscuity, etc.
But not all these individuals are alike. In his stellar book, Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond (1995, Wiley). Theodore Millon identifies four different subtypes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Incidentally, Millon is one of the leading experts in the field of personality disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder so he knows what he's talking about. His book is one of the best books out there for any serious student of personality disorders and I recommend it highly to those who are a little more advanced in their study of psychology.
The Discouraged Borderline in many ways can look very much like an individual with Dependent Personality Disorder, or what is commonly known in today's jargon as codependent. They tend to be clingy, go along with the crowd, and walk around feeling somber and somewhat dejected. Deep inside however, there are often angry and disappointed with the actions of those around them. Scratch the surface, and that anger could explode, but they are much more likely to do harm to themselves by self-mutilating or even suicide.
The Impulsive Borderline seems to be a first cousin to the Histrionic Personality Disorder. These individuals tend to be flirtatious, captivating, elusive and superficial. They are highly energetic and seek out thrill after thrill. They are easily bored and seem to have a never-ending appetite for attention and excitement. As their name implies, they will often act without thinking, getting themselves into all sorts of trouble. Such individuals can often be very charismatic and it's easy to get caught in their spell. Beware! You can be the moth drawn to their flame.
Millon’s third subtype is what he calls the Petulant Borderline. He describes them as being "unpredictable, irritable, impatient, and complaining" as well as "defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful." They are torn between relying upon people and at the same time keeping their distance for fear of disappointment. They vacillate between feelings of unworthiness and anger. This anger can be quite explosive. Better not get in their line of fire.
Finally, there is the Self-Destructive Borderline. This type is marked by his constant sense of bitterness which they turn inward. They will often engage in self-destructive behaviors whether it is conscious or unconscious. Their levels of self-hatred can often reach monumental proportions leading them into all types of self-destructive behaviors, ranging from poor healthcare to reckless driving to performing humiliating sexual acts.
These people are not your run-of-the-mill "toxic coworker." Though they might often seem okay on the surface, these are deeply troubled individuals in need of help. Even the most experienced of therapists can be challenged by them.
Individuals with BPD need to be understood and treated with compassion. But they are in need of psychological help. There is a tendency to be drawn to them; they give off a lot of energy and can be very charismatic, but there is a price to be paid for being involved: Perpetual arguments, dramas, makeups and breakups, suicidal gestures and an almost exquisite sensitivity to rejection whether real or imagined
If you are not prepared to pay this price, it's probably best just to keep your distance.
Already involved with a person with BPD? I highly recommend Paul Mason and Randi Kreger's book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder. Or our own book, Toxic Coworkers.
More next time!
Be sure to read the following responses to this post by our bloggers:
Glenn Close
Submitted by Sigrun on October 16, 2013 - 10:58pm
It's understandable that you dislike the tone.
Personally, I don't understand why the reader should think Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close has told the media that she regrets increasing the stigma surrounding mental health problems with her role in that film.
This article is not about BPDs like you.
Submitted by BPD_Daughter on November 18, 2013 - 10:24pm
I'm sorry that this article made you feel hopeless, but you should realize that it is about the people with BPD who refuse to believe they have a problem or to get help. Because so many BPDs refuse to believe they have a problem, most articles on BPD focus more on enlightening the people in their lives about the disorder and how to interact with them.
You are the rare person with BPD, in that you know you have it and are willing to do something about it because you don't want it to affect your life and relationships with others. If anything, you are to be commended and highlighted for those of us with BPD family members who hold out hope that they can be helped so that we can have positive, healthy relationships with them.
My mother has BPD, and I while I love my mother and want to have a relationship with her, it is very difficult. Reading articles like this actually make it easier for me to love my mother and cope with some of the things she does that are hurtful and harmful to me.
I am disappointed with this answer which again is disparaging
Submitted by Hanna Orr on March 4, 2014 - 1:57pm
It is not true that most people with BPD don't know or admit that there is a problem with them or seek help. Believe you me in the UK for example precious little help is available especially for somewhat better functioning BPDs. This article and answers display rather alarming lack of understanding of this devastating, debilitating and not infrequently lethal condition.
Lethal
Submitted by Sigrun on March 4, 2014 - 6:45pm
Yes, lethal indeed. http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-244X/13/317
http://www.researchgate.net/publication/51050644_Struggling_to_recover_by_changing_suicidal_behaviour_narratives_from_women_with_borderline_personality_disorder
Your Comment
Submitted by Annie on September 30, 2014 - 10:11pm
Your comment about "this article is not about BPD's like you" is extremely vague, and creates even more misunderstanding about this disorder. I work for NAMI, and quite frankly, I would never recommend an article such as this, nor would I recommend a book titled "Walking on Eggshells." That may indeed describe someone's feelings, but if I had BPD and saw that on the shelf, my shame would increase ten-fold. It is good to get this out in the open, and to note that there are subcategories, but even those descriptions paint a bleak picture for an individual looking for hope and relief from suffering. Sorry, but these articles and books will not make it into our lending library. They feed right into the stigma individuals and families are trying to shed.
I also was diagnosed with BPD
Submitted by B on January 30, 2014 - 1:53pm
I also was diagnosed with BPD (very recently) and I feel similarly, reading this. The message seems to be: stay away from BPDs.
Regarding the 4 "types," I find I can identify with elements of each of them (though I do not experience all of what they describe).
I think its important to remember that we cannot be categorized (and then dismissed) so easily. I am more than a diagnosis, a set or spectrum of symptoms.
It also saddens and scares me to read such articles. It seems to support the stigmatization of BPDs.
very well put
Submitted by Anonymous on March 30, 2014 - 2:59pm
I agree with everything you've said here. Very well put. It is a comfort to me to read your post. If enough of us speak up then perhaps the stereotype will change. It hurts to be misunderstood and vilified.
Amen (A secular Amen, that is)
Submitted by SBPd on December 3, 2016 - 7:58am
Agreed on all counts, well said sir/ma'amm !!
As a family member of BPD
Submitted by Anonymous on August 5, 2014 - 3:23am
As a family member of BPD patients, it saddens me to read the insensitivity and rudeness of the tone in this article. People with this order are hurting and the tone in this fuels their rejection and pain. As if it were not bad enough the abuse they likely suffered as children, the author encourages a disdain for the struggling/afflicted. How about we give him a label? I'D'D... Insensitive 'Doctor' Disorder.... jerk. He is supposed to be helping people. Shame on him, and God bless those working to find peace.
I agree with you too. I have
Submitted by Anonymous on September 15, 2014 - 7:26pm
I agree with you too. I have BPD and I was a little taken back by this article. I do not think this article was composed in a compassionate way. Rather biased and offensive. As I am fully aware of the "HAVOC" and "drama" I have caused and cause, I do not think that people should stay away. This article is a little harsh. There is a big misunderstanding in the mental world as it is so this tone is offensive. I am sure if this article was about some other disease the phrase "stay away" would not be in this. I believe all people have problems however, BPD persons are a little more extreme.
Dr dumbass
Submitted by jessy on February 24, 2016 - 5:16pm
It is disheartening... The stay away message is unnecessary.
Bpd
Submitted by B Deal on August 18, 2016 - 8:24am
I also have bpd, and before reading your comment I had the exact same thought pattern and said to myself 'I hate that book Take your life back' its the most hurtful book someone with bpd can see in a loved one's possession. My next thought was 'let me see if there's any bpd dating sites online' then i scrolled down and saw your comments and it brought a tear to my eye because now i dont feel so alone with this crazy fn disease. Thank you for posting
Pendulum
Submitted by SBPd on December 2, 2016 - 11:30pm
The tone of the author see-saws between treating the BPD sufferer as a patient in need of appropriate counseling/medication and a toxic individual or psuedo-nutter.
Comments such as:
"Beware! You can be the moth drawn to their flame."
"Better not get in their line of fire."
"If you are not prepared to pay this price, it's probably best just to keep your distance."
"These people are not your run-of-the-mill 'toxic coworker'".
Borderline personalities, such as myself, express behaviors and endure inner turmoil along a continuum or spectrum, as is the case with other psychiatric and physical issues.
I do not in the least bit discount the author's experience, clinical or otherwise, but unfortunately to the first time reader stumbling on to this article, it sketches a caricature of how we behave and what we endure. The "Fatal Attraction" comparison is a prime example. Whilst Glen Close's character very much depicts the feeling of emptiness, fear of abandonment, clinginess, intensity of feeling towards their partner, intense sexuality, loss of boundaries (between oneself/other & culturally prescribed), splitting -- the level of violence depicted is rare. This is not to discount that some (mostly males) on the spectrum fall in to the "batterer" category.
For me, in the past it before I found the right combination of medication in which I could employ mindfulness and self-soothing techniques, violence was restrained ENTIRELY to the verbal level; whether it be in person or delivered by proxy of ones and zeros, still hurtful and bridge-burning nonetheless, but never have I raised a fist nor caused property damage. I have never threatened physical harm for that matter -- about as threatening and fierce-looking as a loud, yapping chihuahua.
I am not discounting the main thrust of his article, but even there I have found that I have waxed and waned between all four types depicted, as am fairly sure other borderlines as have as well.
I absolutely DO recognize that his comments are meant to be tongue-in-cheek and that "Fatal Attraction" is an example of someone who is "definitively" borderline, but his article an awful lot is like trying to appreciate a rainbow on a black and white display, which appears strikingly similar to something us BP's do: splitting.
Oh my god! I feel so outraged
Submitted by Anonymous on June 5, 2017 - 10:39pm
Oh my god! I feel so outraged with this article that i just want to report this to someone. It is BORDERLINE discriminiting towards people who have this serious issue! I am a diagnosed bpd, and the tone that this article implies Just contributes to the stygma wich has a very negative impact in our journey to good mental health.
In all honesty, this looks like The author has a big grudge with bpd. You should check yourself!
agreed
Submitted by Anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 10:42pm
psychology today has run many postings like this that offer a dim/hopeless view of bpd. Not helpful!
Maybe not helpful to a BPD
Submitted by Anonymous on January 19, 2014 - 12:36pm
Maybe not helpful to a BPD who refuses to try and fix themselves. But its an honest assessment of this character disorder to those who have had to endure it from a parent, sibling or other relative. And to those who resent the "BPD" label, most diabetics are not offended to be referred to as a "Type I or Type II Diabetic". But true to form, with a BPD, its always about THEM-not taking responsibility or ownership of their words and actions. Everyone else should "walk on eggshells" to please them...
What anger against "them", a
Submitted by Sigrun on January 19, 2014 - 3:47pm
What anger against "them", a lot of diagnosed people who are totally strangers to you. I'm happy that not all (adult) children or other relatives feel like you.
Typical response from someone without the disorder.
Submitted by Bronze Oceans on January 28, 2014 - 4:16pm
So much for treating borderlines with 'compassion.'
The fact is that people who don't have the disorder are usually incapable of separating their own emotional reactions from the reality of the causes of borderline's behavior, i.e. it is NOT 'normal' and it is NOT 'conscious' and it does NOT come from the kind of willful malevolence that one would ascribe to a perfectly normal person who treated us the way a borderline sufferer does.
Seems there are very, very few people on this earth who are capable of NOT taking the borderline's behavior personally. To do so takes great strength of character, intelligence, insight, maturity, and the ability to separate one's emotions from one's logical, rational mind.
And those are all skills that most people - regardless of how 'compassionate' they like to think they are - obviously don't have.
Incapable
Submitted by rebeccaanonymous on November 18, 2017 - 9:28am
I found your comment funny for one reason, and it is that Borderlines are NOTORIOUS for reacting emotionally (and intensely emotionally, at that) to innocuous "triggers" and absolutely flying off the handle at things other people do or say when, I'd say 9 times out of 10, the other party didn't intend to hurt the Borderline at all. Everyone, whether Borderline or non, has emotional triggers from their past and it's nothing to do with a lack of compassion that BPD actions can cause a reaction in us. I mean, for Christ's sake, a Borderline can fly into a rage over simply being LOOKED at the wrong way (and they're completely justified in doing so, right?), yet it's unreasonable and uncompassionate for us nons to get angry or hurt when the Borderline in our lives, say, throws things at us, treats us as an emotional dumpster, physically hurts us; etc. Yeah, I'd say the lack of empathy is strong in this one, this one being YOU.
Incapable II
Submitted by rebeccaanonymous on November 18, 2017 - 9:59am
To expand on this, Borderlines demand an endless amount of compassion and empathy while giving little to none of it in return. Imagine if nons were to treat Borderlines the way those with BPD treat them...I can't imagine you would say, "Oh, it's ok, I know you've had a hard childhood so keep verbally abusing and assaulting me. Let it all out, there there." Yeah, no. I have no compassion and no sympathy with abusers, period. I mean, should violent sociopaths be given a break because of their pathology? No. Pathology doesn't justify abuse and if you're going to demand compassion, show some in return. No one is 100% logical and immune to abuse, everyone has emotions and you above all else should know this.
so true....at least in my
Submitted by Anonymous on March 16, 2014 - 3:30pm
so true....at least in my case and the non-diagnosed BPD in my life. It is always someone else's fault and failing to walk on eggshells make you the enemy.
What a very naive way of
Submitted by Anonymous on April 10, 2014 - 5:57am
What a very naive way of looking at the the attention seeking SYMPTOM of BPD (and yes it is a symptom and is in no way a choice). The self loathing is so monumental I have had moments of rather being dead than being me. If it wasn't for my children I would have killed myself, not for attention but to escape the pain. If we look for and seek attention it's only in hope of having some self worth left, for a reason to exist. I've broken bones, suffered with migraines, torn ligaments, ripped cartilage, and would happily go through that again rather than feel that amount of self loathing again. Read my blog and educate yourself or at least learn empathy
Myborderlineandme.blogspot.co.uk
An honest assessment??
Submitted by Brenda Dillon on December 15, 2014 - 9:47pm
First off I have BPD and I hate the label. It is nothing like being labeled a diabetic. The term was actually developed when there was little to no understanding of the disorder. I know that this disorder affects my actions. I know that there are times that I do things or say things and it hurts others. However I always and I mean ALWAYS take responsibility for my actions regardless if they are caused by BPD or not. I am sorry if you have been hurt by a borderline who cannot or will not acknowledge their issues, but you just lumped us all together. We are not all selfish, manipulative monsters. I would rather hurt myself a million times over than ever inflict intentional pain on another person. I know all to well how traumatizing it is. My entire life has been a fight against mental illness, and as an adult it has also became a fight against stigma. I personally dont care for people who walk on eggshellss because I find that those are the people who truly never cared in the first place. I would rather be confronted and deal with the issue than to pretend it never happened.
"A BPD"
Submitted by Sarah on March 19, 2016 - 4:12pm
I've always noticed that when someone has a person with BPD in their life who they are hurt by, they always seem to describe them as "a bpd", which means, "a borderline personality disorder", which makes no sense. I've been on both sides of the explosions and issues that come from illnesses like these, so I do get the hurt and trauma that can come from this disorder, but that hurt and trauma also really affects the person with the disorder. Just be aware when you start defining the people in your life solely by a sometimes uncontrollable disorder, because that isn't going to help anyone involved.
Just noticed the authors of
Submitted by Anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 11:08pm
Just noticed the authors of this article are actual doctors. Holy cow. Is it cool now for psychologists to mock people with personality disorders? Is it wise to mock a group with a ten percent rate of suicide success? Do you really want to give people feeling that way another reason to think life is cruel and hopeless? Another reason to feel worthless. It's not funny. This contradicts the oath to do no harm. Why is this bullying being condoned by this magazine? I'm pissed.
Please contact Psychology today
Submitted by anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 12:55pm
On the website bottom right corner "about/contact" click on then it says:
Feel free to send us feedback. We read it!
Please ....Click on the feedback and TELL PT that we are sick of all of the BULLYING by authors in their magazine towards people with BPD!!!
IT IS NOT RIGHT TO PROMOTE THE STIGMA OF A MENTAL ILLNESS!
If enough of us complain we will get results!!!!!!!!!!
Done
Submitted by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 3:48pm
I sent them a note and asked them to read here. I'm fairly new to realizing I have BPD. This hate mongering of the mentally ill is new to me. It's eye opening. I've literally just discovered, am just discovering the widespread nature of it.
In a strange way I feel suddenly protective of the attributes of people with BPD. We have a sparkle that others don't ever get to experience. We pay for that with some crazy lows. We are not bad people.
Maybe we are not wrong about everything.
You are SPOT ON!
Submitted by anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 7:51pm
and ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! Couldn't agree more
Your description sounds more like Bipolar Disorder than BPD.
Submitted by Bronze Oceans on January 28, 2014 - 4:18pm
Are you sure you're not getting the two confused?
confusing BPD with Bipolar
Submitted by Anonymous on March 30, 2014 - 3:13pm
Assuming the highs and lows comment is the one you think shows confusion. No. I'm not confused. Having BPD is like riding a roller coaster of ups and downs. For a time I wondered if I was bipolar but they would talk about highs or lows lasting weeks, months or years. I have highs and lows that last minutes, hours or days. There's more to it than that. People with BPD will likely understand what I meant. We are not all exactly the same but from what I have read, we share a sparkly sort of extreme happiness mixed with some wretched feelings of fear, uncertainty and resentment. It's hard to explain. Really hard.
A little insight
Submitted by Anonymous on June 15, 2014 - 6:33am
Male, 23 year old living in Sweden.
I'm officially diagnosed with ADHD, Bi-polar type 2 and Borderline personality disorder.
I will just give an example on how I function, or rather, not function every day, no exception.
The main differens that I personally feel and notice when it comes to BP and BPD are as follows:
Bi-polar is not directly related to environmental reactions (such as social engagement, perceived disasters and so on). It is engaged un-willingly and often without prior notice. For me I'm most of the time in the "lower regions" of the depressive side of things, but when my bi-polar kicks in, I will either go straight for the bottle and/or razor blade or engage in more lethal suicide gestures (the reason is, my mind dips due to the BP and this in turns starts a chain reaction and amplifies with my borderline personality disorder, like putting fuel on a already lit fire). OR I will go into a manic (almost psychotic phase) where I feel like i'm functioning properly, in accordance with my perceived view of the world and it's inhabitants. But this on the other hand, chains reacts with my ADHD. Making me very, very likely to do things that can be very harmfull for me or other in the long run... but hey, at least I feel happy doing it, at the time.
Now, Borderline personality disorder, for me, is being triggered almost ALWAYS by environmental happenings/actions (someone says something hurtful to me, or I perceive what they've said to be hurtful. It could also be the most simplest of things, like for instance the ironing thingy stops to work or is leaking water... this have resulted for me, in almost total destruction of the kitchen in pure anger and distress). But the Borderline personality disorder can also be triggered by simply hearing a song or being alone for a to long time. What happens is that your personal "train of thoughts" will snowball the long pathway down the mountain.. leading to really, really bad results (suicide attempts and such), just by simply being alone with extreme negative and hurtful thoughts that exists in the back of my mind all the time.
What I'm trying to say is that perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge either one, if you haven't, then please for your own sake. Seek a professional that can make a judgement and administer the correct treatment. My own Bi-polar episodes typically only lasts for 1-2, max 3 hours at time and it's called "rapid cycling" and shorter episodes of "lighter" mania is called "hypermania".
Take care
What a great explanation! You
Submitted by Anonymous on June 25, 2014 - 2:01pm
What a great explanation! You are awesome to share your experience. Thank you :)
Thank you for taking the time
Submitted by girl next door on July 12, 2014 - 11:28pm
Thank you for taking the time to write this. Your explanation could be the closest to what I have been feeling for years now. My doc just diagnosed me with bipolar 2 but it seems I can relate to BPD more. Your explanation about what triggers the moods especially relate to me. I also have had meltdowns because of something someone said or something seemingly trivial happening, and watched myself spiral down, feeling hopeless, angry or resentful. I found it very difficult to describe how I feel to my doc but your comments have been very helpful and I will point this out to her next time.
it's not about you
Submitted by a daughter on October 17, 2013 - 7:13am
For the people with bpd complaining about the article...it's not about you.
It's a survival guide for the people around you. If you're looking for real help to get better...good for you. Keep looking. It's not here.
This is for your sons and daughters and co-workers that find themselves thrust into a drama they never asked for and don't want.
Sorry it hurts your feelings. I found it really helpful.
I second that...
Submitted by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 9:37am
I agree with you I am a daughter of a BPD as well. If I had known then what I know now, it may have been easier to deal with... or not.
And for all of you complaining, knowledge is power. Now that you know, or have identified characteristics that you may exhibit SEEK HELP!! REAL HELP not just reading articles.
I'm not BPD but being raised by one I've had to go into therapy to deal with things I couldn't process and some of it I still can't process. Don't put anyone else through what I went through especially if you have young children. Adults can choose to leave, children cannot.
BPD's CAN RAISE GREAT CHILDREN Too!
Submitted by anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 1:30pm
Sorry to burst your bullying bubble but I am a BPD and I have raised amazing, well adjusted children! I doubt that you could raise as accomplished, talented, and compassionate children as I have! (I think you might get stuck on that compassionate part) I'm getting tired of all the hate...
Not all BPD's are bad mothers. That is very Black and White Stigmatizing thinking, just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean that all children of BPD moms suffer the same bad experience. You can have a mother who has BPD and still have a good childhood. And trust me the BPD's reading these articles are seeking help!
It takes a village to raise children these days; studies have found that most kids are influenced more by their peers than their parents anyway. Also there are also fathers, relatives teachers, coaches. spiritual leaders, who all can inspire and influence a child. So blame all of those people too for your failures if you came up short. I directed my kids to be surrounded by wonderful inspiring mentors.These mentors helped shape my kids into amazing human beings who are giving back to society...
I have a child who graduated # 3 in his HS Class, was a State Champion distance swimmer, raised over $100,000 for big brothers big sisters and has volunteered thousands of hours to helping inner city youth. He was given a scholarship to a prestigious university's honor program and interns for a state senator in DC and is studying public policy and its effects on senior citizens.
My second son is currently #2 in his HS class, made all state band and orchestra as a freshman, and identifies as LGBT. He had NO FEAR about coming out to his family because he knew we would love and accept him no matter what! He was bullied in school but then turned that experience into a positive by starting a Gay Straight Alliance at his HS . His club boasts 50 members! They promote a words hurt think before you speak safe schools campaign! He travels to area schools and speaks up in a "rally for diversity". He was honored for his work by our state senator He was elected homecoming king by his peers.
MY POINT IS HAVING A MENTALLY ILL MOTHER DIDN'T SCAR THEM FOR LIFE... IT TAKES MORE THAN A MOTHER TO RAISE A CHLD>>>
Mother, you need to read more
Submitted by Anonymous on January 19, 2014 - 12:28pm
Mother, you need to read more about BPD. You're children are "well adjusted" because you see them as an extension of yourself. Only they know what types of pressure and manipulation you've put them through to get where they are.
When it all comes home to roost, they'll end up in therapy (if they are lucky) wondering how you so enmeshed them, they don't know who they are unless you tell them.
Of course you are offended by this article. Part of BPD is an extra thin skin and the inability to remember events with accuracy as well as cognitive distortions. The way you lite into the people who have had parents with BPD shows all the things mentioned. The raging, inability to reflect upon ones actions...my step-children have a BPD mother. They also do well in school, because God help them if they displease mother and don't project the "right" image she's created.
there is no reasoN
Submitted by Anonymous on January 22, 2014 - 6:07am
Reason to make people with bpd feel like they can't change or make them feel hopeless, the very definition of insanity is to do or act a certain way over and over and expect a different result. You dear, see us as a whole a certain way and that's really sad and ignorant of you. I came here because I have been diagnosed for a few years now, I am having a rough time and I always strive to do better. I really would like to talk to someone, and for those of you on this forum, please read, "I hate you, don't leave me" it helped me to better understand myself and helped my husband too.
Must read that book!
Submitted by Daughter of mother suffering with BPD on October 24, 2014 - 11:46am
Anonymous,
I have heard from a few people lately that "I hate you, don't leave me" is a must read. After reading your post I am tempted to go out and purchase it today.
Thanks for the recommendation,
Elizabeth
you missed my point you are so enmeshed with your bpd mother theory
Submitted by anonymous on January 28, 2014 - 1:18pm
My children may or may not end up in therapy one day that is hard to say for sure, but my point was not seeing my children as an extension of me…
NO MY POINT WAS I RECOGNIZED I HAVE BPD AND PROBABLY WOULDN"T BE THE BEST MOTHER, SO I ENLISTED MANY OTHERS TO HELP FILL THAT ROLE!!
IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD! LOTS OF PEOPLE CAN HAVE POSITIVE EFFECTS ON A CHILDS LIFE… fathers, coaches, teachers, spiritual advisors, friends, neighbors etc…
just because a mother has BPD does not inherently make her a bad mother especially if she enlists other role models for her kids to interact with…
It takes a village moms don't be afraid to enlist the village for help in making sure your children become well rounded and just because someones mom is diagnosed with BPD doesn't mean that the children are necessarily scared for life as they may have gotten the positive influences they need from others as well as their moms...
I get where you are coming from, but we need to be careful and caring in what we say
Submitted by Daughter of mother suffering with BPD on October 24, 2014 - 10:39am
Anonymous,
I grew up with a mother suffering with with BPD and am now a Marriage and Family Therapist. I suffered greatly emotionally, and still suffer from the childhood emotional trauma that occurred in my home on my mother's part, so I understand the pain and frustration I am feeling in your post. I do feel that we need to be careful about how we talk about these issues, and make sure we are not projecting parts of our experience and our pain onto others suffering with BPD who were not the cause or source of our own pain. In my past, I have fluctuated from feeling like I hated my mother for what she was saying or doing to me, to feeling the upmost depths of compassion.
Speaking from personal experience, I do think that it is particularly difficult for us who were, or are, personally involved with a family member suffering from BPD to not take things personally, or to take the emotion out of the situation and separate the disorder and its characteristics from the person experiencing them. Particularly as a child, I was more impressionable and strongly hurt by these things. As an adult with my own home and family, these behaviors are not nearly as devastating to me, but they can still carry a sting that makes me question my mother's love for me despite knowing that the negative behaviors are the result of BPD. There are still maladaptive parts of myself and how I function in the world that seem to stem back to my childhood, and the identity I formed as a response to the BPD behaviors. But I am working on these things with my own therapist, and am beginning to work through them.
But it was not all bad. Much of the hurt I suffered due to BPD has seemed to have played a major part in molding me in positive and productive ways as an adult. Now I do believe that those parts of myself could have been fostered in more positive and healthy ways, but as it stands, the negative BPD behaviors of my mother did not just have negative results for me. This I think may have a lot to do with my own personal resilience because my other siblings did not fare so well in response to the intensely negative BPD behaviors.
But that being said, I do think that we who have lived with someone suffering with BPD need to have compassion and not let our defenses or personal hurt rule how we talk about these issues. And to those suffering with BPD, please do all you can to show the compassion and love to your hurting loved ones, or other loved ones of a family member with BPD that you would like to be shown yourselves. Divisive, angry, and blaming rhetoric will only further divide us and prevent the healing that we all so desperately desire.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
Elizabeth
Compassion?
Submitted by Anonymous on October 24, 2014 - 4:28pm
The roots of my mother's conspicuous problem likely began when she was a young child, beaten because of her chronic defiance. The beatings didn't make her think -- they made her more stubborn, resentful, suspicious and malicious, establishing a pattern that has dominated her life and every one of her relationships. She's 76 years old now.
Mom carries the desire and strategy to be the hub of every wheel, to be the dominant decision maker of every organization to which she contributes, maligning those who may be perceived as a threat to her pre-eminence. For her it's OK if nothing gets done, just so long as she's in control. Yet anyone else's efforts, especially positive results, are seen as a desire to control or dominate her. What's up with that?
I had noticed, in college, that she never made an effort to communicate, that it was up to me. So I played that game for 27 years, calling and making the effort. Some years ago I asked here, "Why don't you ever call or come by my house?" Her excuse was that I always called or visited before she had the chance. I stopped calling her six months ago, just to see. She hasn't called, she hasn't visited. She lives four miles away.
Sometimes the greatest gift of compassion is to walk out of the BPD sufferer's life, and let nature take its course.
"just because you had a bad
Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2014 - 8:45pm
"just because you had a bad experience"
I would bet she had more than one bad experience.
I agree with you, but am wondering about something...
Submitted by Daughter of mother suffering with BPD on October 24, 2014 - 11:32am
Anonymous,
I completely agree with you that individuals suffering with BPD can raise wonderful children who accomplish great things in their own lives. But I am wondering if the person you were responding to was actually saying that individuals suffering with BPD should not, or could not, do a good job raising children.
What I got from the post you responded to was that they were making the point that adults can choose to leave a difficult or rocky relationship but children cannot. I felt that they were advocating for individuals suffering with BPD to get help and work on the destructive relational behaviors for the sake of those around them, in particular their children. Not that they were saying individuals suffering with BPD should avoid having children. I do think that it is important to be open to the possibility that there may be hurts and struggles that children of parents suffering with BPD may be dealing with, even if they have grown into wonderfully accomplished, and well adjusted adults.
I grew up in a home with a mother who suffers from BPD. Despite consistent intense, confusing, and hurtful behaviors interspersed with loving behavior from my mother, as a child, adolescent, and adult I have been very high achieving and am now a Marriage and Family Therapist pursuing a doctoral degree who is in a very fulfilling and healthy relationship with my husband. I do, however, seem to be the most emotionally resilient of all of my siblings, and they have struggled a lot more with coping with the difficult BPD behaviors. There are identity and self-worth issues that I struggle with that seem to stem back to the intensely destructive behaviors of my mother, but I am working through them with my own therapist and am learning a lot.
I love my mother, she has wonderful qualities and has a loving heart, she just happens to also be the vessel for the expression of intensely negative BPD characteristics. Her experiences as a child make it very understandable why she developed the personality disorder that she has. But despite my sympathy and understanding as an adult (that I admit I was not capable of as a child when I was more malleable and vulnerable), it does not diminish how painful it was, and difficult and hurtful it still is to encounter these behaviors, or to see them play out in my other family member's relationships with her.
No person is alike, and no presentation of BPD is going to be the same from person to person. You are right to desire that others not put you in a box and discount who you are or what you have accomplished on account of you suffering with BPD. I also just ask, as a person with a beloved family member with BPD, that you try your hardest to have compassion for us family members as we work through the hurt and frustration in what at times may not be the most tactful of ways. The pain is real on both sides, and just because the individual suffering with BPD cannot help the behaviors, or is indeed suffering themselves through their own behaviors, does not discount the pain felt on the other end of the relationship by loved ones. If we all could just have a bit more compassion for one another, and realize that the expression of anger and frustration is really just a mask for extreme pain, I think the conversation would become so much more rich, we would all feel so much more safe to express, and healing would be that much more possible for all of us.
Thanks for reading,
Elizabeth
what was the message
Submitted by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 4:01pm
You agree that this article was not written for the person with BPD? You agree that people with BPD should be avoided? You agree with the tone of the article?
You are the daughter a "a BPD"??? Do you know how offensive that sounds to my ears? I assume you were raised by a parent who had BPD.
Knowledge is power. That is why I (who wrote the note that was disagreed with that you reponded to in your note..heh)am searching on the internet for knowledge. That is how I stumbled across this note. I did learn about the four types. But what was the proactive lesson here. What did the reader learn to do about what they had just learned. They learned to beware, avoid and run for the hills.
Maybe the article should say to run away from the crazy anger of the children of people with BPD. How would that feel? Would that make any more or less sense? You are so angry about it. Should we shun you for feeling that anger and mock you publicly?
You're not BPD? Are you sure?
Love your point about the article
Submitted by Daughter of mother suffering with BPD on October 24, 2014 - 12:04pm
Anonymous,
I think you make a very relevant point about this article. Some of the information presented within it is meaningful, but the conclusion drawn feels very unfair and does not promote empathy, understanding, or anything productive.
Is it difficult to be in a relationship with someone suffering with BPD? It absolutely can be! But BPD in most cases is formed from relational wounds and must be relationally healed! To make the assertion that "if you are not ready for the drawbacks involved in these relationships, then you should best avoid individuals suffering with BPD" is quite naive and comes off as bias and in support of the perspective that those suffering with BPD cannot experience symptom remission or recovery. Symptom remission and recovery are both possible! Research out there supports this! It has just been shown to be much difficult to accomplish and maintain than with other personality disorders, but it is possible.
It seems that there are a lot of generalizations, assumptions, and assertions expressed in this article, and even in many of the response posts. This disorder can vary so greatly from person to person, and another huge defining factor can be if the person knows/accepts that they are suffering with BPD, and if they are striving to heal. We cannot paint all individuals suffering with BPD with one broad brush, as we cannot paint all family members of individuals suffering with BPD with a broad brush.
Your commentary about children of parents suffering with BPD was wonderful (and amusing) because, as a child of a mother suffering with BPD, I know that I myself have had to work out some emotional and behavioral kinks in myself. I personally have had to work through some emotionally reactive tendencies that I am prone to, and that have probably made being in a relationship with me difficult at times. We family member of individuals suffering with BPD can play a huge role in symptom remission and recovery or symptom sustainment.
Elizabeth
daughter of a cancer?
Submitted by Anonymous on October 19, 2013 - 3:03pm
If one of your parents had cancer would you then be the daughter of a cancer?
Easier to deal with
Submitted by Someone Who Knows on September 12, 2014 - 11:04pm
I think it would have been easier to deal with, based on what I've seen personally. Of course, it's anecdotal and may not have been the case for you, too, but I think even just KNOWING that it wasn't you, it was your parent would have been a huge help.
I'm seeing this right now, with children I am close to who have a parent with BPD. She refuses help, the children are getting help. Other people around the children are aware of the problem and are pitching in to help. We are all offering the children alternatives to the constant dysfunction in their lives, as much as we can. I've studied this, and it holds out the hope that even one positive advocate in a kid's life can make the difference between a good outcome for them and disaster. That is even if the kids remain with the parent, by the way. It's been my experience so far that unless there is some visual evidence the kids are abused, the courts are fine with any kind of abuse that doesn't leave visible scars.
I feel for you, and I feel for the child you were. I hope you continue your journey to process this mess you didn't ask for. I guess I could say something about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but...you probably hear that a lot. Personally, I'd prefer gaining resilience some other way, but, we take the hand we are dealt, right?
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