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Relationships
This Habit Can Make You Happier
How you explain your experience matters to your mood and relationships.
Posted May 5, 2020 Reviewed by Devon Frye
In the early days, when we were still dating, my now-husband had a bad habit that almost derailed our relationship. He was hostile on the road.
If another driver cut him off, he would flip out, flip him off, pound the steering wheel. Yell. If another driver failed to let him merge, tailgated him on the highway, or ran a yellow, my husband took it personally and he got fired up about it.
I hated it. Heck, I’ve been cut off plenty of times. I’m not a saint on the freeways, I can get plenty upset about it too, but rarely. I’m much quieter that way. Usually, I note the lack of courtesy and figure the other driver is late for work, or racing to the hospital, or just didn’t see me. I figure he just made a mistake and I've made plenty of those myself.
In short, I give the offending driver the benefit of the doubt, and then it’s over. I usually don’t think about it again. My husband, he used to talk about the incident all day long. It stuck to him. Stressed him. And that affected us.
We all have what psychologists call an attributional style that determines the way we explain situations to ourselves. My husband would often blame the other driver and view the mishap as a personal attack. Me, I just figured people made a mistake and it had nothing to do with me.
He got angry. I forgot about it and moved on. Both approaches did influence how we interacted with each other though. I'd feel stressed and upset when he erupted. And sometimes we'd argue about that.
A new study in the Journal of Happiness Studies indicates that the way we explain life experiences and situations to ourselves impacts our relationships and happiness.
When we feel slighted, a friend forgets to call on our birthday, or a boss fails to give us the praise we think we deserve, we can view the situation as a sign of disrespect and feel hurt, devalued, and angry. Or we can tell a different story.
Perhaps the friend didn't have a chance to call because her child is in the emergency room, or the boss had a difficult meeting with his supervisor right before and wasn't thinking. Maybe—probably—the mishap had nothing to do with us. Recognizing that, might help us feel better.
By interpreting the actions of another as malicious or hurtful, we are hurting ourselves. When we give others the benefit of the doubt, researchers say we can boost our happiness.
In a study of 707 participants, researchers found that people who gave others the benefit of the doubt were happier and got along better with others than those who interpreted the actions of others as intentionally mean.
With plenty of research supporting the importance of a healthy social network to ward off mental and physical health issues, the lead researcher of this benefit-of-the-doubt study, Dorota Jasielska, suggests the two might be connected.
If we are surrounded by people who are kind, warm, and supportive, we may be more likely to see the world as a safer, gentler place, and give others a break, Jasielska says. And staying close to people you trust and care for also makes it easier to check out the assumptions that can get us into trouble.
When I catch myself feeling slighted, or hurt, when I'm jumping to conclusions, particularly in work relationships, or with close friends, I often speak up. I’ll ask about it. In a calm and curious tone, I’ll ask “I want to make sure I understand… what did you mean by this?” Or, “I’m feeling confused here, can you explain to me what you want?”
And, in my husband’s case of the crazy drivers, we began playing the what-if game, challenging his beliefs about other drivers. What if, I suggested, the driver who cut you off was on his way to a veterinary hospital with his dying dog and didn’t even see you? What if, he would say, the driver who failed to let me merge was so deep in conversation with his teenage son that he just made a mistake? What if zombies are chasing that guy in the truck and he’s speeding up to lead them away from the rest of us?
The game became sillier as time went on and over time my husband learned to give other drivers—and other people—the benefit of the doubt. He said he isn’t sure if that's impacted his happiness one way or another, but I know this: It's improved mine because he's a lot more chill behind the wheel.
