5 Ways to Re-Parent Your Inner Child Every Day

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What does it mean to re-parent yourself, and why do we do it?

Sometimes you might feel a strong emotional reaction to a situation or interaction. It might hit a nerve, and you find yourself yelling and throwing a tantrum like a kid again, or scared and wanting to hide. It's like your body and nervous system are frozen in time—you become that little girl or boy again, screaming for attention or crying in fear. These memories leave imprints on your nervous system and continue to trigger you to fight, flee, or freeze when you're reminded of that familiar feeling. This is a trauma for you, and your little-kid emotions are stuck on repeat. As Gabor Mate says:

"Children are not traumatized because they are hurt, but rather because they are left alone with the hurt."

We re-parent our inner child so that they are no longer left alone with the hurt.

These younger parts of ourselves are still alone with the hurt, and this is why we re-parent them by giving them the support they needed back then, back there. By doing so, we help these younger parts move on from the trauma so that they know that they're safe now. They're able to then trust us and the world a little more. Instead of seeing reminders as danger, they might start to see them as growth opportunities.

Re-parenting your inner child is best done with the help of a therapist who can guide you through the process. However, while the overall process and experience are transformative, the smaller, daily practices can be easy to do and occur naturally. Here are five ways to re-parent your inner child every day—whether you're at home, at work, or out in the world.

1. Notice when your inner child is trying to get your attention.

Your inner child is usually running the show by the time you realize you're feeling emotionally charged. You might be waiting in a never-ending line at the post office, sitting in rush hour traffic, or in a meeting with your boss. Your inner child doesn't care where you are or who you're with. Your inner child needs you. Notice the different sensations in your body as this happens. Where do you feel that anger or sadness? Do you feel it in your chest? Throat? Hands? Is there a temperature? All these feelings are signs that your nervous system is heading toward a danger/survival mode. The child has been activated and is in the driver's seat.

2. Ground yourself.

Once the child has been activated and your nervous system is in that danger/survival mode—the next thing you'll want to do is to ground yourself. Try to remember where you are and remind your body that you're here now and not back then, back there. You can do this by bringing your awareness back to the present—notice everything you see around you, things you can hear, smell, touch, and taste. Focus on a different sensation in your body—maybe one that feels more pleasant or neutral. These practices help bring your nervous system back into the safe zone.

Source: Sai De Silva / Unsplash

3. Recognize your inner child.

Once you feel more regulated and calm, it's time to get acquainted with this younger part of you that was left all alone with the hurt. You can do this by recognizing them. How old are they? What do they look like? How are they approaching you? What were they hurt by?

4. Hear and validate your inner child.

Introduce yourself to your inner child and hear them out. Ask them what hurt them and what they need. Validate their experience. That was hard. You shouldn't have had to do it alone. You deserved to be protected.

5. Give them what they need.

If they need love—give it to them in whatever way they need. Take them out for dessert, watch a movie with them, have a good cry, stand up for them, shower them with love. If they need protection—give it to them. Set boundaries for them and protect them from hurtful people.

Ultimately, by doing all of these practices, you are building trust between yourself and all the little children in you. They start to feel safe and reassured by you. They trust that you can handle whatever life throws at you—even if they remind you of painful memories of the past. They learn to realize that you're an adult now. They finally have the protector and caregiver that they needed back then, back there, and here and now.