Stop 'Giving People Their Time Back'

Imagine this: You meet a dear friend for coffee. Then, near the top of the hour, you say, “This has been great, let me give you back seven minutes,” and pack up to leave.

Absurd, right?

Yet at work, we do it all the time. Let me give you your time back might sound respectful, but it’s never sat well with me. Here’s why: It treats shared time as suspect, something to trim or apologize for.

What if instead we honored those who ask for time and others for giving it?

The Vulnerability of Meetings

It’s easy to mock meetings. We joke about “death by meeting,” grumble that a meeting should’ve been an email, and wince at back-to-back-to-back days.

This may be unpopular, but let’s give credit to the brave souls who call meetings. Asking for them is vulnerable. Whether a regular meeting or spontaneous Zoom, a meeting request is a tender request: Will you trust me with your time?

Accepting an invitation is vulnerable, too. Even when hierarchy requires us to attend, we still choose the presence and energy we bring. To be sure: Every successful meeting is co-created. In all cases, showing up is care, especially since we can’t know if the time will feel worthwhile.

Respecting Others’ Time

I felt this dynamic when I served as strategy lead for the President’s Management Agenda. My job was to coordinate reforms across the entire federal government, which mainly involved begging busy people for their precious time.

My team and I worked hard to use their time well, but we also felt the shadow. That asking for people’s time was an imposition rather than a commitment to shared purpose.

Giving people six minutes back was a subconscious way to manage that anxiety. Yet that framing erased the dignity of their choice to be there, or at least, how they showed up. It also implies that the time was ours to return, like a pair of jeans that didn’t fit.

Source: Akshar Dave🌻 / Unsplash

And here’s the irony: In trying to respect others’ time, we undercut their generosity in sharing it. I think of David and Curtina, who always arrived early and made great contributions to our quarterly meetings. Pretending I was doing them a favor by ending early would have dishonored their commitment for our shared work.

Optimization Fatigue

My friend Matt helped me see that the “time back” language reinforces our hyper-optimized mindset. We don’t need to stretch meetings to fill the full time, but we do need to broaden our lens about what is productive. With my White House colleagues, I noticed a curious thing. Meetings were optimized and impossible to schedule, but at farewell parties, people lingered, and not just for the cake—for each other.

Here’s another reason I’ll be standing alone at parties: The real problem can be too few meetings. We’ve all experienced how inefficient sprawling Slack threads or reply-all chains can be. And perhaps you’ve heard of doorknob moments, where the thing that needs to be said only happens at the end? Efficiency deletes these, too.

Ending With Intention

Outside of work, we also tap dance around shared time. We say “I’ll let you go” or “I don’t want to keep you” on calls with parents or after bumping into a neighbor. Maybe we want an exit that doesn’t feel selfish. Or maybe we think we don’t deserve someone’s attention.

But these exits undercut connection. Instead of trusting the evidence that this person wants to be with us—they are here, now—we imply they’re looking for an out.

We have a better choice to honor what the time was—chosen, shared, and, yes, finite: “It’s been so nice to talk but I’m feeling drawn to what’s next.” or “Part of me would love to keep going; part of me has a story that you’re really busy together and might need to go.”

Beyond Agendas

Yes, some meetings should end early or be emails. I, too, relish surprise unscheduled time when a meeting is pulled down.

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But let’s stop treating shared time as a nuisance. Belonging and mysterious digression are just as needed as structured conversation. A rigid agenda or 10 minutes “given back” is not objectively better leadership. As I previously wrote here: A meeting that ends on time but leaves people feeling unseen is still a bad meeting.

One of the best leaders I worked with at the White House, Pam Coleman, refused to end meetings early. Instead, she’d pull out a deck of question cards. When I asked her why, she told me, “Authenticity, trust, connection. That’s what drives any successful team I’ve ever led.”

I saw the same with my own team. One slow week, I made our check-in optional, but most came anyway. We ended up talking about astrology, weekend projects, and even loneliness. That conversation built more trust than any polished agenda ever could.

3 Ways to Honor Shared Time

1. End with intention, not efficiency: Meetings often start with icebreakers, so try closing with a checkout question like “What stood out for you today?” or “Who are you feeling appreciation for?” or just a moment of pause before the next thing.

2. Differentiate, don’t rank: Solo time and shared time are both sacred. One helps focus; the other feeds coordination, innovation, and belonging. Stop treating one as the reward for surviving the other.

3. Honor each other’s choice: Someone has chosen to spend time with you. “Thanks for sharing your time,” or “I felt supported by your thoughtful ideas” honors them for doing so.

Our Precious Time Together

Recently, I’ve been asking a lot of people for their time to help me with my forthcoming book on, fittingly, time. Some have been especially generous. Authors Dawna Ballard, Rhaina Cohen, and Dan Pink gave me more time than I asked for.

But what moved me wasn’t the minutes; it was their presence. Offering them time back would have cheapened their gift.

So, yes, cancel unnecessary meetings. Don’t run out the clock like a soccer team protecting a lead. But remember: The real waste isn’t the extra three minutes we spend together. It’s the moments we skip when we rush to give them back.