There Is No Small Talk

Summer has landed, and so has temperature-related chit chat: “Hot enough for you?” “Can you believe this humidity?”

These lines and their small talk brethren are everywhere: “How are you?” “What’s new?” “What’s for lunch?” and, especially this week, “Travelling anywhere for the 4th?" These are so common, they can feel more like a greeting than a real question. But what if they’re more than filler? In a world that can feel isolating, I’ve come to see them as tiny doorways to connection, but ones we have to stay long enough to enter.

Beyond “I’m Good”

I recently asked Ari, a barista at a favorite coffee shop, how she was doing. She replied, “Good,” in that flat way that says she’s used to not having patrons listen to her answer. I could’ve let it drop. But I asked, “How are you good?” She looked up, her eyes shifting, and beamed about a new job at a bookstore, how much she loves being surrounded by stories and helping people find one they’ll love. That moment didn’t happen because I was charming. It happened because I stayed with it. I let “I’m good” be the first chapter, not the final page.

The empty rhythm is familiar. At happy hours. In elevators. With grocery store clerks. With colleagues before meetings. “How’s your week?” “Busy.” “How are you?” “Doing well.”

Some of these so-called conversations feel more like reflexes than real connection—closer to caveman grunts than anything meaningful. Take “What do you do?”—especially common in my hometown, Washington, D.C. At best, it’s predictable. At worst, it makes you feel like your LinkedIn profile defines your worth.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. What happens next matters: Do you follow up and ask what they actually enjoy about their work? Whether they chose the field or just stumbled into it? Maybe even, “What’s the weirdest part of your job that outsiders might not think about?”

Now it’s not a transaction. It’s the start of a real conversation.

How to Make Small Talk Bigger

So, how do we move from surface to substance? From “Fine, thanks” and draining happy-hour chit-chat to something that actually leaves us feeling connected? Here are four shifts you might try:

1. Stay with it: Resist the urge to ping-pong from person to person, topic to topic. If you ask someone where they’re from, linger a little before jumping in with your own hometown—even if they ask. A simple, “Mind if we stay with you a second longer?” works beautifully.

2. Go beyond the informational: My training in authentic relating taught me to not just trade facts but to trade feelings. If you’re sharing vacation destinations, sprinkle in “What did you enjoy about that?” “Was there a peak moment of joy?” or “Anything a bit underwhelming?”

3. Break the generic script: When someone says “fine” or “good,” play with specificity—what Decker Cunov calls the wine connoisseur move: “Good like you just got promoted?” or “Good like a cool breeze on a hot day?” or “Or something else?”

4. Zoom out to the relational: Make it about what’s happening between you. Try: “I’m noticing how excited you are to share that” or “What’s it like to share that with me right now?”

More Than a Weather Report

Since it’s steamy out, let’s use those stray weather comments as a doorway to something more. Instead of stopping at “Sure is humid” and a knowing nod, try leaning in:

• “The heat slows everything down—my dog’s finally stopped pulling. What pace feels right for you lately?”
• “This sweaty weather kind of forces presence, doesn’t it? Anything else in your life doing that right now?”
• “Between the humidity and wool suits, I’ve given up on looking put together until October. How are you letting yourself be a little more real these days?”

Small talk is only small when we treat it that way. Connection is available in the in-between moments in lunchrooms, coffee lines, and elevators, but only if we choose to lean in.

Stay a little longer. Ask one more question. The result might not be fireworks, but you might be surprised how big small talk can feel.

Subscribe to my Substack Slow Mindfulness for more of my writing and some bonus prompts to try!