The Clarity of Form vs. Essence

My dear friend Maya and I were long overdue for a catch up. We planned the perfect night: dinner at a buzzy new Cuban spot with a cool ambiance and plantains (swoon). But when we got there, a handwritten sign greeted us: Closed. Plumbing issues.

I stood there pouting. The night felt ruined.

Maya didn’t blink. She looked around and said, “Why not go next door?”

We did—and it was perfect. Because what mattered wasn’t oh-so-delicious crispy sweet-salty bananas, it was time together. I was stuck on the form. Maya had stayed with the essence.

That moment stuck with me—because this dynamic shows up everywhere: with plans, at work, and with others. What is the essence we are really after? And how often do we miss it because it doesn’t look the way we imagined?

Form vs. Essence

Form is the version we fixate on: the job, concert, vacation plan, or the relationship we wish we had with a parent.

Essence is the deeper feeling we’re really after: purpose, connection, rest, something tasty, or simply to feel understood. It’s the reason we care about the form in the first place. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh puts it this way: “The raft is not the shore.”

Form feels concrete. We can name it, plan towards it. But it’s only one possible path to what we want.

Why This Changes Everything

Meditation teacher Tara Brach wrote, “The most important thing is to remember the most important thing.” The difference between form and essence helps us do that.

When we cling to a specific form, our minds narrow. Choices become high-stakes, and life becomes a game of control. The tendency to fixate on a single outcome is known as cognitive rigidity, and it describes the first 35 years of my life pretty well. Anyone else?

When we connect with the essence, on the other hand, we build cognitive flexibility. This idea is central to Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset, which tells us that letting go of a plan or expected outcome isn’t failure—it’s freedom.

We say we want pizza—but what we really want is comfort, a break from cooking, carbs. If we’re locked in on pizza, we miss all the other glutinous ways to meet that need.

Seeing It in Real Life

In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker insists that an event is not a purpose. The form of a birthday party or wedding needs to be rooted in the essence of why you’re gathering. This mindset applies everywhere.

• Feeling stuck at work? Maybe a new project or work-life boundary can give you the creativity you crave.
• Picnic rained out? Connection and time offline might be found on the living room floor with snacks and a puzzle.
• Parents don’t get you? Your dear friend does.

The Essence of Relationships

For a while, I had a pattern: I’d go on a few dates with someone and decide she was The One. I’d fixate on her flirty smile, her love of farmers markets, the way she talked about her dog—and start building a whole fantasy of “us.”

When it didn’t work out, I was gutted. Not because we were deeply connected, but because I was attached to the idea of her.

Eventually, I understood what I was really longing for: someone who inspired me, made me feel chosen, was kind. Once I named those desires, I started seeing them in friends and family and trusting that a future someone could embody that essence, too.

This goes deeper, too. Sometimes, the people who should love or support us—parents, partners, bosses—don’t do it the way we hope. That hurts. But clinging rarely helps.

Our current political leadership is oddly dismissive of public service. But, as we can see on LinkedIn, we’ve gotten better at offering appreciation and reminding each other that our work matters.

Although it still hurts, it reminds us that love, care, and belonging are still out there—just not always available from the people we would like.

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Finding the Essence, Together

This shift isn’t just personal, it’s relational. Here’s how to practice it:

• Name your essence. Before chasing a plan, job, or relationship, ask: What am I really hoping to feel? Clarity lowers the stakes and helps you attune to what actually matters.
• Surface the shared essence. Conflict often comes from chasing different needs through the same plan. One person’s idea of a hike is a peaceful stroll; another’s is a race to the summit. Before your next trip, date night, or team meeting, ask: How do we want to feel at the end?
• Befriend the unexpected. Life is full of closed restaurants, canceled plans, and people who can’t love us the way we wish they would. When it does, name the disappointment—then ask: What was the essence? Where else might it be available? This isn’t about pretending it doesn’t sting, it’s about reclaiming your flexibility and agency.

Source: Author

The Essence

I’ve had a note on my bedside for years that says, “You can’t cling your way to freedom.” And I’ve found it to be true.

We can cling to the way things were supposed to be and stay stuck. Or we can be flexible about the form and open up to what’s abundant.

Because sometimes, life won’t give you plantains. But delicious as they are, it was never really about the plantains.