Talking to Kids About Wildfires

Years ago, many of my friends and neighbors were under siege by 70-mile-per-hour Santa Ana winds and wildfires, decimating their homes and obliterating their sense of safety and security. Terrifying reports and pictures of people running for their lives, burned-out homes, and tearfully devastated families who had lost everything flooded the media and captured the heart of our nation. Like those at the epicenter of the wildfires terrorizing our neighbors a few hours north today in Los Angeles, many of us were in survival mode. Stuffing precious valuables into my SUV as flames raged out of control on the horizon near my home was terrifying. For our friends whose homes were being reduced to ash and had lost everything, it was inconsolably devastating.

As grown-ups, we draw upon the experience and know how to compartmentalize/put even the worst things, like wildfires, earthquakes, and school shootings, in perspective. Kids, on the other hand, find themselves defenseless against emotions like fear and anxiety. We try to help them cope by setting good examples and talking about the parts of life that are sad and tragically unsettling. Here are a few more things that we, as parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, and communities, can do to help our kids deal with what's happening.

1. Put Your Family's Safety First: Do whatever you can to stay safe. Do not play with fire by denying the danger or trying to be heroic. Listen to the authorities, and if there's any chance you and your family might be in danger, get the hell out of there and flee to safety.
2. Calm Yourself As You Put Together a Short-Term Safety Plan: Flight attendants teach us to put our oxygen masks on first during their pre-flight instructions. And they're right. The best way to be there for your kids is to take a deep breath, calm your racing heart, and get grounded. The threat and actual destruction of the fires are, of course, stirring up fear in all of us. Acknowledge your fears and do your best to contain them. Take a deep breath, calm yourself down, get expert guidance, and do whatever is necessary to keep your family safe. Running around like your hair on fire, you will be of little help to you or your family. Adopting a good safety plan, on the other hand, will help reassure your kids that they're safe. Once you've contained the immediate dangers of the fire and cleared your mind, listen to them, find out what they're feeling, and do your best to assure them that they will be OK.
3. Listen Attentively: Ask your kids how they're doing. If they say "Fine," pause and patiently draw them out with open-ended questions like "Do you know anybody who lost their home?" "What do you think about what's happening?" or "Is there anything you think we should do to stay safe?" Then listen. If you're tempted to give them a quick fix answer, bite your tongue. Scar tissue on the tongue is usually a sign of a good listener. Make it safe for your kids to talk openly about their fears and worries by remaining calm and controlling yourself from offering unsolicited advice. If and when you do say something, keep it short and simple. Comfort them without resorting to false reassurances and promises. Give them information about what's being done to contain the fires and keep them safe. Take their age into consideration. Little kids must know that disasters and tragedies are rare and unlikely but happen occasionally. Older kids may appear unaffected and may be able to modulate their emotions by commiserating/hanging out with their friends.

   Since we don't know or control everything, telling your child, "I don't know," can comfort them. They learn to cope with life's unknowns and uncertainties by watching you speak honestly about the things you don't know and cannot control. They also learn how to deal with a crisis from your willingness to ask for help and take swift action to bring them to safety. A child in distress may need professional help. Call their school, a local mental health center, or a psychologist in your area to inquire about resources and schedule an assessment by a qualified child psychologist or psychiatrist to determine your child's needs.

4. Focus on What Is Being Done: Resist the temptation to catastrophize or vent within ear-reach of the children. Thousands of emergency workers, firefighters, and first responders are doing everything humanly possible to help you, your family, and your neighbors survive this catastrophe with minimal loss of life and property. There are also compassionate people, companies, and organizations providing support to those whose homes, jobs, pets, and loved ones have been lost. Please explain this to your kids, citing specific examples, and assure them they're not alone. Help them understand that we cannot always control the forces of nature, but we're doing everything in our power to help contain the fire, minimize the losses, and keep them safe.
5. Fortify Your Safety Plan If You're Not Out of the Woods: The threat may still be very real! If possible, stay tuned to TV, radio, and computer for news updates, and do not gamble with your safety by waiting until the last minute to pack up your family, put a few valuables in the car, and leave. Be a good example to your children when it's time to escape a dangerous situation. Listen to what the authorities advise about evacuation and make a safety plan for yourself and your family if you have not already done so. Find an alternative living situation and do whatever is necessary to assure your children that you will all be OK.
6. Allow Yourself to Grieve Your Losses: Material losses are horrible, especially when they involve our homes, jobs, and irreplaceable possessions. Anybody who has not been through this cannot imagine what it's like. Grief is a natural, normal response to every kind of loss, and it's essential to allow ourselves time to grieve. The lives of your family members and friends will likely have been spared, and you're going to be able to go on with your life in time. You and your family have every right to feel fortunate and blessed, if not lucky, but please give yourself and your children permission to feel sad and safe places to vent their fears.
7. Stay Tuned and Take "Stress Breaks": Stay tuned to TV, radio, and computer information, but take stress breaks. Make sure your children are doing the same. Turn off the TV, take a deep breath, clear your head, play a board game, put on calming music, watch a lighthearted video, and "come up for air" occasionally. Too many breaking news replays of burning houses can put us on emotional overload and exhaust us. Pace yourself by going on walks in nature, turning on soft music, and taking some playtime with your kids.
8. Talk With Trusted Confidants: Venting your fears, sorrows, and needs with friends, family members, advisors, counselors, and clergy can help you rebalance your emotions, make good decisions, and feel assured you're doing your best to deal with the fires. Get your support to overcome this crisis and show your kids you're not alone.
9. Contact Your Family Members and Friends: Reassuring messages via e-mail or texting to family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues will prevent a lot of unnecessary worry and fear on their part and give you an opportunity to find out how much people really care about you and your family. It will also help you discover the resources and support available for the days and challenges to come.
10. Do Something To Help Others in Need: While little compares with the efforts of firefighters and responders putting their lives on the line, helping others is often the best way to help ourselves. Being good friends and neighbors, sharing information and resources for food and shelter, coordinating our efforts to stay safe, making generous charitable contributions to agencies providing relief, and saying a kind word or a prayer wherever possible. Many who have been displaced from their homes are experiencing a level of generosity and sharing of resources unprecedented in LA's history. Your community's generosity of heart has made a heroic difference. Most of all, we should be patient and compassionate with those suffering.

This is also a time for gratitude. Elected officials, police and fire departments, military, media, humanitarian and emergency services, and thousands of good citizens/unsung heroes are doing everything in their power to address the needs of displaced family members, friends, neighbors, and strangers. Remain patient, respectful, sensitive, and supportive of those whose lives and homes are being threatened or destroyed. Healing takes as long as it takes, and we are different.

This is one of those times when character and compassion matter. As individuals, communities, and a nation, we have an opportunity to support those who are suffering in the hope that they will, in time, be able to rise from the ashes and go on with their lives.