Grief
Questioning Faith After a Loss
Personal Perspective: Embracing grief to discover deeper understanding.
Posted November 15, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- Anger can be a gateway to deeper healing and understanding after a profound loss.
- Honoring all emotions in grief is essential for authentic healing and spiritual growth.
- Supporting others in grief means allowing space for their pain without trying to "fix" it.
- Faith and resilience emerge from facing pain, not denying or suppressing it.
My healing journey began with allowing myself to be furiously angry. I spent the days following my 21-year-old daughter's death railing against God. "This happened on your watch," I railed as I spit in the face of the universe for this grievous betrayal. Letting my rage and tearful anger pour out was the gateway to a profound shift. After hours of objecting to my daughter's death at the beach one day, I was exhausted. Gazing into the blue sky, something happened that I cannot explain. I could see/imagine a tear in the eye of God. God had not abandoned my precious daughter. Nor was he to blame. God was crying with me, and his compassion was deeply comforting. God was a force of love and goodness in the universe, not a puppeteer pulling the strings in people's lives.
Without giving myself permission to express that intense anger, I would never have arrived at these deeper understandings. It was I who had decided that God was watching over all of us and was responsible for everything that happened. If you're grieving a loss, you may be feeling any combination of feelings. I'm not saying that you need to rage against God—each person's response to loss is different. However, it is important to honor whatever you're feeling and be honest with yourself. Allowing the emotions that arise after a loss can deepen our faith and help us rise from the ashes of adversity.
In a grief-illiterate world, people often try to "fix" their pain with a quick, positive spin, clichés, and positive assurances. Doing this may inadvertently cut us off from voicing our feelings, coming to terms with our loss, and healing. Supporting someone in times of deep sorrow is a sacred offering. Being with and encouraging them to feel whatever they are feeling, including intense anger and sadness, lets them know they're not alone, not losing their minds, and can summon the inner strength to move forward.
People lean on their faith in times of need, finding strength in prayers, teachings, and guidance from their rabbis, priests, imams, and gurus who offer sage wisdom and comfort. For others, spiritual resilience is often drawn from a mosaic of teachings, practices, music, and rituals, each offering a welcome path to newfound peace and understanding.
How We Move Forward From Life's Worst Losses
We all get our turn "in the soup." Life brings unexpected twists, losses, and painful changes—these are the terms we're given. Our challenge is to figure out how to meet, rather than run from, these "What Now?" moments, clear the path forward, and go on. We can choose love, courage, and permission to feel as guiding forces, rather than hiding, denying, and suppressing the pain and letting despair define us. Giving our pain and anger a constructive outlet, we may break, but, as Hemingway put it, we may grow "strong at the broken places."
The courage to face life's dark seasons, voice our pain, and discover newfound understanding can deepen our faith. Grant yourself time to grieve and permission to object if/when life has not worked out well for you or somebody you love. Keep your hand on your heart and dare to discover that you're not alone.