Who Am I Now? Coping With Postpartum Identity Loss

When you think about all the emotions you might feel as a new mom, they likely include joy, bonding, excitement, and even exhaustion. But what about grief? Or feeling like a stranger to yourself?

Becoming a mother is more than a change in title—it’s a profound and often unexpected change in how you see yourself. One moment, you're navigating life as normal, and the next, everything feels different. Your priorities, routines, and even your sense of identity are unfamiliar, like you're meeting a new version of yourself for the first time.

Change often comes with grief, which can also impact your mental health. Since maternal mental health issues are the number one complication of childbirth, let’s talk about a taboo topic—postpartum identity loss and grief.

I Lost Who I Was

After giving birth, I wasn’t prepared for the wave of grief that hit me—and stayed for months. This wasn’t grief from loss in the traditional sense. My baby was healthy and thriving. Yet I felt like I was mourning someone— me. The person I had always been.

I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. Not only was I unsure of who I was anymore, but I felt like would never feel like myself again. And with that loss of me came grief and shame. Why were other new moms glowing with happiness, while I felt like a hollow shell of a person? I had chosen this path—I wanted to be a mother—so why did I feel so lost?

Postpartum Identity Grief Is Normal

Though it’s rarely talked about, postpartum identity grief is incredibly common. A 2023 study found that nearly two-thirds of new mothers (62 percent) felt like they had lost part of their identity since becoming a mom.

Yet many moms hesitate to talk about it, fearing judgment or guilt. But here’s the truth: You can love your baby and still grieve parts of your past self. These feelings can coexist.

What You May Be Grieving

Grieving your post-baby self can come in many forms, such as a loss of the following things:

• Privacy: The loss of privacy, as solo showers and uninterrupted bathroom breaks become rare luxuries.
• Peace and quiet: The once-familiar stillness of your space, now replaced by constant noise and responsibility.
• Career identity: The shift in professional goals and ambitions as work-life balance changes.
• Spontaneity: The ability to be flexible, whether it’s a last-minute dinner with friends or a weekend trip, now dictated by feeding and nap schedules.
• Intimacy: Both emotional and physical closeness with your partner, as exhaustion and new responsibilities take precedence.
• Time and autonomy: Control over your time and choices, now requiring negotiation and careful planning.
• Social Life: The ability to connect freely with friends, as relationships shift and priorities change.
• Predictability: The comfort of a structured, familiar life, now replaced by the ever-changing demands of motherhood.
• Expectations of motherhood: The dream of being the “perfect mom,” often shattered by the reality that perfection doesn’t exist.

None of this means you don’t love being a mom. It simply means having a child is a profound personal transformation—and every transformation involves letting go of something and sometimes, old versions of yourself.

Why Postpartum Identity Grief Can Fuel Depression and Anxiety

Many moms find themselves thinking: “I’ll never get my old life back. I’ll never feel like myself again.” These thoughts can spiral, leading to deeper mental health challenges. And because new moms are often told to “just enjoy the moment,” many suffer in silence, feeling guilty for struggling.

Postpartum identity grief and postpartum depression can share similar symptoms: sadness, withdrawal, emotional numbness, and hopelessness. The brain processes grief as loss, triggering an emotional stress response that makes new moms more vulnerable to postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. In fact, one in five mothers will experience postpartum depression, and the identity shift that comes with new motherhood is one of the key triggers.

Ways to Cope with Postpartum Identity Grief

1. Name it to tame it: Acknowledge your feelings. Grief is a normal response to change. Writing down what you miss about your pre-baby life can help you process your emotions in a healthy way. Reflecting on the expectations you had versus the reality of motherhood can also help you reframe your experience with more self-compassion.
2. Shift from "loss" to "change." Instead of focusing on what’s gone, consider what’s new. Your identity isn’t disappearing—it’s growing. If you loved travel before, think about how you can still bring adventure into your life, even in small ways.
3. Create a new version of "you." You are not just “Mom.” Hold onto the parts of yourself that bring you joy—whether it’s a hobby, self-care, or reconnecting with old friends. Even small moments of reclaiming yourself can help bridge the gap between who you were and who you are becoming.
4. Seek connection and support. Talking to other moms who understand can make grief easier to process. Online communities and therapist-led support groups, like those at Postpartum Support International, can be life-changing. If grief is turning into depression, professional support can help.
5. Embrace "two truths" thinking. You can be deeply grateful for motherhood and still miss the freedom of your old life. Learning to accept that both emotions can exist at once can help ease guilt and self-judgment.

You Are Still You—Just a New Version

Becoming a mom changes you—but it doesn’t erase you. If you feel lost, know that you’re not alone. By acknowledging your grief, reshaping expectations, and taking small steps to reconnect with yourself, you can move forward without losing you.

And you don’t have to navigate this alone. There are resources, therapists, and communities ready to support you.