Your Childhood And Your Child

When your nine year old shouts, “I hate you,” it is a difficult statement for any parent to hear. Parents generally feel hurt, rejected and angry. But there is another element that complicates a parent's reaction to the child's behavior. Each parent brings his own unique personal experiences from childhood to the parent /child interaction. In this case, if the parent did not feel loved and experienced a great deal of rejection in childhood, he may feel terribly hurt and can easily overreact to the child. The parent can unconsciously experience the child as a disappointing parent or sibling who made him feel unloved and may respond with rage. Similarly, the parent who was never listened to at home can re-experience tremendous frustration and anger when his child ignores him. He might see his child as his unyielding parent and explode. The more aware a parent is of these reactions, the more he will be able to respond more positively to the child.

Parents generally try to make up for any hurts that they had as children, by behaving differently than their own parents. They can become very upset when they see themselves acting in the same way. It is crucial to be aware that parents tend to gravitate to the way they were raised when they are stressed. For instance, if your parents spanked you for transgressions, you may repeat this method of handling issues with your child, even if you are opposed to harsh discipline. It is helpful for a parent to bring this process to the surface so he will feel more in control of his responses.

Another factor from the past, that has a powerful effect on the parenting experience, is that each parent in the couple had unique childhood experiences. These differences often cause many ongoing conflicts for parents. For instance, if one parent was raised in an authoritarian home and the other never experienced any limits at all, they may argue relentlessly over whether or not to buy their child a toy. It is important for each parent to analyze his or her reactions and pinpoint issues from the past. The more conscious these issues become, the more smoothly the couple can work together. Here are some steps you can take to build your self-awareness.

Identify your emotion. When your child will not clean up his room and you are engaged in a battle with him, try to pinpoint your emotion. Are you feeling angry, sad,or frustrated?

Think of similar situations from childhood when you felt the same way. Did you share a room with your younger brother who angered you because he never wanted to help you clean up? Were you in charge of your siblings as the oldest and had to battle with them constantly to get them to off to bed?

Try to identify who your child reminds you of from the past. Is your child similar to your father who never listened to you? Are you viewing your child as messy little you who was criticized by your parents for not being neat? Either possibility might make you very angry at your child as you project your unresolved feelings on to him.

Work with your anger. It is often helpful for adults to address their anger at the person who angered them from the past, in their minds. For example, direct your anger in your thoughts at your younger sister for never granting you privacy. This will help you to act more objectively when dealing in the present with your child.

Work with your spouse. Review situations that occur between you in terms of your early childhood experiences, instead of who was right or wrong. Share your experiences and feelings about important issues such as discipline, and set common goals for how you would like to handle situations.

Seek counseling. When you become a parent many difficult issues from childhood rise to the surface, and are available for you to work them through. It is a time that many individuals begin therapy or return to do more work. It is a great opportunity to resolve any old anger you felt toward your parents. Counseling is also very beneficial for couples to improve their marital communication. It is a great opportunity for parents to gain a clearer understanding of each other and to figure out how to work more peacefully.

Try to react to your child as objectively as possible. If you can determine where the past is impacting on your relationship, step back and try to resolve the situation objectively. This always helps the situation to go better. For instance, if you find yourself screaming when your child refuses to pick up his toys, and you are aware you are reacting from past frustrations with a sibling, you can take a deep breath and think about creative ways to motivate your child. For instance, “Let's see who can pick up the most toys”, or “You pick up all the blue toys and I'll pick up the red ones.”

The process of making connections between the past and the present is very important to family relationships. This work frees you to control your impulses and choose more loving, calm responses.