“What's wrong with my child? When we go to the playground he hits other children. We're not aggressive at home. Have we failed as parents?” It's not unusual for parents of young children to come to me with similar concerns. I am able to relax them by explaining that all young children show their anger in physical ways at times. This happens because developmentally they are not so far from babyhood when they would kick, scream and flail around when they were upset. Young children have limited language skills and ability to verbalize their emotions. As they grow, the goal is to teach children to express their feelings in words and not to act out physically. Here are some effective steps to take with your child to help him accomplish this important goal.
Teach your child the language of emotions. Children do not know what they are experiencing
internally. They feel strong sensations within, and are unaware that these are emotions. When we begin to help young children to label their emotions: “You're angry”, or “You're sad”, we enable them to identify their feelings and begin to comprehend their internal roadmap.
Help your child to connect her emotions to a situation. We help children to further understand what is happening, when we talk about the cause of their emotional reaction. For instance, “The boy wouldn't let you have the swing and you got angry.” When similar situations occur your child will begin to make these connections on her own and navigate her reactions more positively.
Encourage your child to verbalize his emotions. When you see his ire rising, say, “Use your words.” This is one of the most common phrases you will hear pre-school teachers tell youngsters in their classrooms to help them to grow emotionally.
Teach your child a specific phrase to use. It is not enough to tell kids to use words instead of actions. They do not know what words to use. If you teach your child specific positive phrases to say, you give her the tools to communicate her emotions. For example, you can tell your child, “You're angry. When you feel this way, say, ‘I'm angry.’''
Set limits on aggressive behavior. Children learn from your limits what behavioral choices to make. If you know why your child is throwing his toys around, you can say, “You were angry that I said you couldn't have another cookie, so you threw your toys. When you're angry, you can't throw things. You need to use your words. Say, “I'm angry”, and I'll help you.”
Have patience. It is very hard for children to stop themselves. The impulse to take a physical action is much stronger than the intellectual understanding of your limits. Even as adults, we will still slam a door even though we know that the best remedy is to talk about how you feel. It is only over time that a child learns that she can work things out most successfully by using words.
