Lies We Tell Ourselves

Source: Kalhh/pxhere, public pomain

Sometimes it’s healthy to delude ourselves. Facing all our fears head-on could yield more unhappiness than benefit. And a little excess optimism may fuel us to bigger accomplishments than clear-eyed rationality would allow.

But it can help to be aware of whether you want to curb, indulge, or even increase your “irrational exuberance."¹

To that end, here are nine possible lies we tell ourselves:

1. I am invincible. Do you delude yourself into thinking you're invincible—for example, by being too COVID-risky, by driving or adventuring recklessly, or by using tobacco, alcohol, or another mind-altering substance?

2. The bandwagon fallacy: “Everyone’s doing it, so it can’t be that bad.” For example, many people fritter lots of time. Or they conspicuously consume at least in part to impress others. That more likely yields eye-rolling among people worth caring to impress. Or they profess political views because their bandwagon, their bubble, bestows approval. Perhaps you feel the benefits of being on a bandwagon are worth it but, if not, do you want to jump off?

3. I deserve self-loathing. Other than, for example, violent criminals who enjoy hurting people, almost none of us deserve self-loathing, even if you’ve made many bad decisions. Rather than lie to yourself and think you deserve bad, do you want to accept the cliché but true statement that today is the first day of the rest of your life and that you do get a fresh start? Indeed, the worse your past behavior, the more reason to redouble your efforts to make today the first day of your new and improved you.

4. I deserve better. Yes, luck matters and some people have drawn more than their share of the short straws. Of course, we're justified in preferring better and striving for better, but some people are lying to themselves when they say they deserve better. How about you?

5. People like my aggressive, badass behavior. That usually isn't true. Most people may smile at or be intimidated by badasses, but quietly or not so quietly sabotage or at least dislike and avoid such people. Certainly, badasses rarely receive favors.

6. My sloth isn’t costing me. Some people get away with laziness for their entire life. And others haven’t yet paid too high a price for it, but might the tipping point be approaching? Some people bristle even at the term "laziness," preferring to term it a response to early trauma, bad society, bad luck, or other externalization. There may be some truth to those, but the question is: "Is your explanation of your sloth significantly a lie you’re telling yourself?"

7. My long missives are interesting. That's a common self-delusion unless you’re one of those rare birds who is a riveting raconteur, a font of the fascinating. If you're like most people, when your utterances tend to go beyond a minute, you're more likely to elicit thoughts of “Would s/he shut up already” than “S/he is an interesting person.” Conversations need to be more like ping-pong games than lectures. Talk a bit, then shut up or ask a question.

8. My child is wonderful or is terrible. Of course, all kids lie somewhere on the wonderful-to-terrible continuum, but some parents lie to themselves. There’s the parent who puts a halo atop their kid and when, for example, a teacher gives Angel a poor grade, rushes in to protest. Conversely, there’s the parent who sees their child as a glass that's not close to half full. If you were to step back and be honest with yourself, what would the Wise One think of your child? And does that suggest that you need to praise more, do more to help your child improve, or mostly just accept your child for who s/he is?

9. Perhaps most important: other (specify.) There are myriad other ways we can fool ourselves. Think about your behaviors and beliefs in your work life and personal life. Are you telling yourself any lies?

The Takeaway

Unvarnished realism isn’t always wise, but neither are unexamined lies we tell ourselves. As you review those nine potential sources of self-delusion, is there at least one lie you’re telling yourself that you’d like to shed?

I read this aloud on YouTube.

A companion post is Mindgames We Play on Ourselves.