Dealing with a Fear of Marriage

Source: Gettep, Pixabay, Public Domain

It’s not surprising that the prospect of getting married can be scary for some people. After all, you’re publicly committing, before friends, family, the law, and if you’re religious, God, to be faithful in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do you part. And should you choose to divorce, it’s not only potentially distressing and embarrassing but costly, often for quite a while. Plus, if kids are involved, it can be even more difficult.

Here is a composite of fears that my clients have expressed:

I love my fiancé: He’s smart, funny, has a good job, a kind heart, and we continue to be quite attracted to each other. Of course, no one’s perfect: His job isn’t that secure, he’s more of a saver than a spender, he can be stubborn, and he has a bit of a short fuse.

Before committing to marrying this man, here are questions she might want to ask herself:

How likely is he to have long periods of unemployment? How serious a problem would that be for you?

Being a saver can be a plus but it can become a problem when it reaches stinginess. It’s a particular problem if you’re the opposite: tending to be a spender and generous. In light of all that, to what extent do you project that his tendency to be a saver will be a problem in your marriage?

Some stubborn people are merely slow to change their mind but usually do, at least when it’s important and they’re clearly wrong. Other stubborn people often insist on holding their position even when clearly wrong. Of course, that can be frustrating. Where is your fiancé on that continuum?

Some people with a short fuse merely purse their lips and sigh when angry. On the other end of the continuum are people who often are psychologically and even physically abusive. Some people start to show their temper only after infatuation's blush fades, or even only after the wedding. As you consider the trend of his temper across the length of your relationship and project into the future, how much of a problem do you sense that his short fuse is likely to be?

In light of your answers to these questions as well as, of course, the relationship’s considerable pluses that you cited, does your head and your heart tell you to say, “I do?”

I read this aloud on YouTube.

This series' installments include how to deal with the fear of college, of starting a career of topping out early, and of retiring.