The Experimental Parent

Parents have relied on T. Berry Brazelton’s parenting advice for decades, for example, his books: Touchpoints Birth-3 Touchpoints 3-6 and Discipline: The Brazelton Way.

He is Clinical Professor of Pediatrics Emeritus at Harvard Medical School and founder of The Brazelton Touchpoints Center at Boston Children’s Hospital. President Obama awarded him a Citizen's Medal. The Library Of Congress named him a Living Legend. (He said, "It's better than the alternative.")

He is today's The Eminents interview. .

(Dr. Joshua Sparrow, Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center and Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard also contributed to the answers.)

MARTY NEMKO: Most Psychology Today readers know that it’s important to talk to your newborn, to provide lots of nurturing physical contact, and, no matter how frustrated you are, to not to hit a child. Beyond such basics, what should the good parent keep in mind?

BERRY BRAZELTON: Babies can't get too much attention in the first year. From Day One, parents should be watching their baby’s response to their parenting.That will show the parent what they’re doing right and wrong for their particular baby. Every baby is different. Keep trying different approaches. Learning to be your child's parent is about having an experimental, trial-and-error mindset.

That’s why I’m a strong supporter of Paid Family Leave. Parents and children need those first months together to get to know each other.

MN: You say that all kids regress at various predictable points and you call them touchpoints. Flesh out what a touchpoint is.

BB: It’s when a baby has reached the top of his or her capacity and needs to regress to gather steam and begin practicing to get to the next developmental step. At that point, he won’t fall asleep; he won’t eat; he’ll cry a lot. These touchpoints are predictable but parents worry that there's something wrong with their child or with their parenting. And that's when they need support---They need to know that all that is normal and will pass.

MN: Your books list many touchpoints. Highlight a few that are particularly important or challenging.

BB: There are six that are particularly stressful for all parents and when an abusive parent is likely to abuse a child. First, there’s unexplained, end-of-day fussing. It begins at around 3 weeks, usually peaks at 8 weeks, and should subside at about 12 weeks. It lasts about three hours a days, three or more days a week. That’s colic. It’s very hard to soothe, driving parents crazy.

MN: Before we get to the rest of the six points, "end-of-day fussing" brings up the sleep issue. Many parents have trouble getting their child to sleep and stay asleep. Any advice?

BB: Start by helping your child realize that s/he can get himself to sleep, for example, by sucking her thumb and using her lovey. Parents shouldn’t force the child but rather help the child in stages in which they first sit and talk with the child, sing to the child. After a while, you might say, “Next time, I’m just going to sit here while you get yourself to sleep.” The next time, “I’ll be outside the room but will always be here for you.”

In many other cultures, children don’t sleep alone until the end of the 2nd year or later. We’re expecting a hell of a lot by expecting children to, much earlier, sleep alone in their own room.

MN: Should you ever let a child “cry it out?”

BB: No. When parents ask me about that, I ask, “Isn’t it better to try to understand why the child is crying? Either by watching their behavior or by talking with them and then perhaps trying soothing, then trying pulling back, soothing more if necessary, seeing how much help the child needs to calm down and how much she is learning to do on her own."

MN: Okay, back to the six key touchpoints.

JS/BB: The 4 or 5 month touchpoint occurs when kids can focus their eyes much further away than the breast and so may lose interest in feeding. Even though this will turn out to be temporary, it is difficult for parents.

Then the 7 to 9 month touchpoints: The child starts to point and that can make some parents feel bossed around. They can crawl around and put thumbtacks, all sorts of things, in their mouth, requiring babyproofing and watching the baby like a hawk. At nine months, the child starts to read the parent’s nonverbal cues. That can be trying for parents because that’s when children start testing limits, like pointing to an electric socket. That’s kind of a shock to parents.

Then at age two, there are the temper tantrums, the so-called “Terrible Twos.”

The fifth touchpoint is toilet training. It needn’t be tough but often is a source of struggle between parent and child.

The sixth is at age 3, the “I want to do it myself” problem. Too often, kids’ drive to do something all by themselves exceeds their ability to do it.

What makes all touchpoints more difficult is that the parents may argue with each other about the right way to respond, which can be made even more difficult when the pediatrician or child-care provider has yet another view.

MN: All this kind of makes a person think twice about the wisdom of having a child, let alone four like you have! If you were a young man again, would you have kids?

BB: Yes, no matter what.

MN: Parenting exists on a continuum between rigid strictness and spoiling. Any rule of thumb you want to offer about that?

BB: Before I gave any advice, I'd share with the parent the stresses that every parent goes through and then ask what they want for their baby.

Nobody learns from being told what to do. They learn from within. And unless they’re ready to learn, you won’t change a damn thing. It’s the hardest thing we teach our students yet it’s crucial---to wait and wait and wait until the parent is ready to learn.

MN: Sounds Rogerian, like Carl Rogers’ approach: Focus on listening and letting the ideas where possible come from the client.

JS: Yes, Rogerian is a good term for it.

MN: Is your advice the same for grandparents?

BB: Yes, and if a grandparent isn’t the primary caregiver, it’s usually wise to not give the parents advice.

MN: Even if it’s Berry Brazelton?

BB: Maybe especially if it’s Berry Brazelton.

MN: Your thoughts on corporal punishment?

BB: I don’t think corporal punishment is ever necessary. Misbehavior is a teaching opportunity.

MN: What if the parent says,”Talking to my child does no good. A good swat is what works.”

BB: I’d ask what sorts of “talking with him” they did. If they wanted some modeling, I’d say something to the child like,

I love all your passion but I don’t quite understand why you need to be so difficult. Let's figure out what will help you. What are your ideas?

Again, misbehavior is an opportunity for both parent and child to learn. Whatever suggestion I may give to a parent may not work. But that failure gives the parent information that can inform future parenting efforts.

MN: What do you think about Ritalin?

BB: That isn’t core to my work but, Josh, you know a lot about that.

JS: Ritalin is overused and underused. I’ve seen it be a lifesaver for some children. And I’ve seen many children who don’t get access to good evaluation and simply are deemed “bad kids.” But not every child referred as “hyperactive" has ADHD. Hyperactive behavior and problems with attention can be caused by other things--often anxiety or traumatic experiences. Parent, teacher, and child need to have open discussions so that the child learns to understand his challenges and participates in figuring out what makes them harder or easier to deal with. The goal is for him to learn to handle them on his own. Eventually, as adults, most will have to.

MN: Can Ritalin be used alongside practical problem-solving or cognitive-behavioral therapy and then discontinued?

JS: If the child truly has ADHD, and that's a big if, and if Ritalin yielded significant improvement, soon after it's discontinued, the child usually reverts back to his challenges with attention and impulse control. In the short term, discontinuing the drug puts more responsibility on a child for something that may be beyond his control---his physiology. Some of these children will be fine without this medication as adults but when the diagnosis was right in the first place, many will still need it. Of course, some children will not be able to take the medication and others may be unable to continue it because of side effects.

MN: Attachment parenting is popular among some parents: maximizing attachment between mother and child, including more-than-average bodily closeness and touching.

BB: There can be a difference between what the theory's creator, William Sears, recommended and how it’s implemented. If overdone, attachment parenting can lead to excessive hovering and prevent a child learning to handle stress. It may also reduce the child's sense of self-efficacy. Children learn from their experiences, including failures.

MN: What’s next for Berry Brazelton?

BB: I’ve just finished writing a book, The Final Touchpoint I’d like to get that out there. There are better and worse ways to handle our aging, our denial of it, our acceptance, and—as Erik Erikson put it—our being generative, to produce as much as we can while we can. I’m 98 but I’m still trying to be generative.