Name Calling

“Butthead”, four year old Alex screams at his father, when his dad refuses to carry him on his shoulders. His father turns shades of red and purple, while passers by on the street wear appalled expressions. Their raised eyebrows seem to imply, “What kind of perverse child are you raising? Do you speak that way at home?”

Though a parent feels shocked and embarrassed when a child uses these choice words, it is helpful to know that name-calling is part of a preschoolers natural development. Sure, she may be repeating phrases she heard on television, but in her everyday experience she also stumbles upon a secret. Language can give her power. One day, when one of her friends, cousins or siblings angrily calls her, “Butthead,” your child does not even know what it means, but it renders her speechless. She then turns around when she is angry and uses this term on others, and lo and behold, they freeze. Now she has got the power. Enjoying this new found control, she proceeds to use charged expressions over and over again. Peepee, doodoo ,penis, vagina, stupid, idiot, and shut up are her favorites. Preschoolers often sit around saying these words to one another and giggle, (the terms excite them and make them feel like one of the crowd.)

When he is angry because you will not let him watch television, he may say, “I'm going to cut you up in a million pieces” or “You're stupid.” These phrases and others are actually the equivalent of saying, “I'm mad.” Here are some approaches that you can take when your child is angry and calls you names.

Set a limit. It's important to teach children not to use verbal aggression. You can tell her,”When you are mad, you need to talk about your anger and not call people names.

Educate your child about the affect of his words. You can explain that calling someone names hurts the person's feelings. It's like a physical hurt. Remind him of the times when someone called him names and talk about how he felt. Pointing out these concrete examples from his own experience, will help him to build empathy.

Acknowledge your child's emotions. You can say,“I can see that you got very angry because you wanted Daddy to carry you. You really love to be on his shoulders.

Give her a reason for the refusal. You're heavy and Daddy cannot always carry you.

Teach him a phrase that you desire him to use. You can tell him, “When you're angry, say, 'I'm angry', or I am disappointed, and I'll help you.'”

Distract her. Young children get stuck in distress and it is good to move them along by finding something else that is fun to do. For instance, “Look your favorite swing is free. Let's run over there and I'll push you.” She will then be excited and let go of the conflict.

Avoid shaming him for his choice of words. Parents often react angrily to phrases such as, “I hate you”. They commonly use phrases such as, “How could you say such a thing” or “What’s the matter with you?” The problem with these remarks is that they give a child a bad feeling about himself and communicate that his feelings are not acceptable. Our goal with children is to be accepting of their anger and to set a limit without harming their self-esteem.

Listen to your words. As we can see young children mimic what is said around them. Make sure your family is choosing positive words at home when angry, otherwise your little child will be saying these words very soon.

Never respond in kind. Sometimes parents are so hurt that they respond in kind: “You're dumb too.” Though it may be a natural urge, it has a negative impact on children. It actually can cause them to doubt your love.(“You say you love me. How could you hurt my feelings like that?”) If these words do slip out, it is therefore crucial to apologize to your child and say that you were feeling upset.

The best approach to take with your child is to encourage your her not to hide her feelings, but to teach her how to express herself in the most positive way. Talking about her emotions and dealing with them effectively, will help her to have a happier life.

Give him a place to express himself. You might allow your child to repeat his beloved phrases in his room or the bathroom to his heart's content, but not around the family.

Make sure not to laugh at your child's new pet expression , say it is cute or show visible shock. These reactions are an invitation for him to continue.

Most experts agree that the best response is a calm one. Some parents will say to their child, “What does that mean?” or explain the term to their child to neutralize the shock waves and the fun, so the child has no need to go on. If you punish or forbid the use of these words, these expressions will take on a new thrill and multiply.