'I Should Have Trusted My Instinct'

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. —Maya Angelou

Source: Victoria Borodinova/Pixabay, Public Domain

A number of my clients have lamented that they didn’t trust their first instinct about a potential romantic partner. This would be typical:

Looking back, I had the sense from the start, that he wasn’t right for me. But I figured I’d give it a chance, but it got harder and harder to end it. Yes, we had some good times but, overall, I would have been wiser to trust my first instinct, cut my losses quickly, and searched elsewhere. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

Of course, in matters of the heart, it’s hard to keep rationality top-of-mind, but it might help to ask yourself these questions during and after a first encounter, whether virtual or live.

Has this person been reasonably responsive?

For example, if you reached out and the person took more than a day or two to respond, it’s not a good sign. It could mean s/he’s irresponsible, impolite, or “not that into you.”

Does the person seem kind?

For example, does the person ask about you rather than overwhelmingly talk about him or herself? Does s/he seem sensitive to your needs? For example, it would be a good sign if, at that first coffee date, seeing the sun shining in your eyes, s/he said, “Hey, let’s find another table where neither of us is facing the sun.”

Does s/he offer to pay but if you insist, says something kind like, “OK, then let’s split it.” Or, “How about I pay this time and you can pay the next?” Of course, the person shouldn’t be a doormat. The goal is to find someone who cares about him/herself and about you.

The following is merely an observation that makes sense to me: As we get older, our facial wrinkles tend to reflect our dominant demeanor. A face with corners of their mouth upturned may reflect an upbeat personality. Downturned corners may reflect a sad or angry temperament.

Is s/he inappropriately forward?

It's rarely a good sign if a person too quickly proposes sex, makes very intimate disclosures, asks you to do so, or suggests you marry. That implies desperation, lack of emotional intelligence, or not caring whether s/he makes you feel uncomfortable.

Does the person have a too-serious incompatibility with you?

There are life-altering incompatibilities that may make you want to let those override the person's positive characteristics. A common example would be if you want a long-term relationship and kids, and s/he doesn't.

Compatible intelligence also matters, especially in a long-term relationship. Too low a level of intelligence and you may come to disrespect the person’s statements and choices. Too high a level and you may feel unable to keep up and the other person might get frustrated with you.

The holistic question

What does your gut say? Our brains process countless factors, including those we’re not consciously aware of.

The takeaway

Of course, first impressions can be wrong, but especially in our busy lives, in which we want to devote only so much time to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right, it’s worth paying attention to your first impressions. My clients have generally found Maya Angelou’s suggestion to be right: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I read this aloud on YouTube.