When You or Your Child Doesn't Have Close Friends

Source: Garry Knight, Flickr, CC 2.0

Many people, adults and kids, have casual friends but not close ones. Here are composite letters from such an adult and such a child and my responses to each.

An adult

People seem to like me but don’t go the extra step. For example, after we've had a nice chat at the water cooler, they never invite me say for coffee, and when I ask, they sometimes agree but I sense it won’t go further than that. In the breakroom as well as informally, people tend to chat in cliques based on race or gender.—That reduces my options.

I do have one long-time friend from childhood but we’ve gotten less close because our politics have diverged and, these days, that seems an important factor. I also have a more recent friend, but our conversations are superficial: pop culture, updates on family, career, and hobbies, but I'd like more, if not a soulmate, a somewhat deeper relationship. Any advice?

Might any of these questions evoke something you’d like to try?

Are you waiting for the other person to deepen the conversation? Rather, have you launched trial balloons, that is, ask a question or make a disclosure that’s a notch more intimate than what you normally talk about? For example, you mentioned giving each other updates on family. Might you disclose a challenge you’re facing with a family member and then ask if s/he's dealing with an issue with his or her family?

Are you being too fast-or slow-paced, too serious or too chatty for most people? And if so, do you want to be more discerning in finding kindred spirits? Or is that something you can and want to moderate?

Are you being too judgmental? Most friends like their friends to accept them pretty uncritically.

Do you want to make different asks: invite people to a party, or get tickets to something you think the person would enjoy? Trust your intuition as to who might feel good about being asked what.

A child

My daughter, 10, is having a tough time making close friends. She’s rather quiet, gentle, bookish and is at a school where the girls as well as the boys tend to be aggressive, even physically. On the playground, roughhousing is common, and it's not rare that it extends to a hair-pulling fight. My daughter gets invited to a few birthday parties and gets the obligatory set of Valentine's Day cards but has no real friends.

I’ve encouraged her to find a pocket of kindness, a group of kids who seem more like her,. Also, I know a couple of parents who have nice kids and have encouraged my daughter to invite them over to do homework, play together, even come with our family on an outing. But my daughter complains that no one likes her. that much—Few kids reciprocate. She’s spending more and more time alone, and says, “My only close friend is my dog.” Any ideas?

Might any of these questions trigger a possible solution?

Have you brainstormed with your child? Might you ask a question or two such as:

• What makes you think that the nice kids don’t like you?
• Do you have any idea why even the nice kids aren’t very nice to you?
• What might you try to do differently: Listen more, be more pleasant, hang out near nice kids at lunch, invite good kids to the house, ask one kid who you trust for a suggestion on what you might do?

If your daughter is too shy to ask a classmate, which is likely, you might suggest wording: “Do you have any idea why kids don’t like me much?” If your daughter is too shy for that, you might get a sense of the problem by asking the teacher for thoughts or by watching your child during recess or lunch.

You might ask the teacher if s/he would move your daughter’s seat near some compatible kids, if only for group projects.

The tenor at your child’s school seems a mismatch. Would it be wise to consider sending her to a school where she would fit better?

The takeaway

Perhaps because everyone seems busier these days, adults especially are sensitive about saying anything that might offend, plus the COVID isolation, it seems that many people are lamenting the lack of close friends. Might you or your child want to try one or more of this post’s ideas?

I read this aloud on YouTube.