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How do you feel when you get criticized? Many people's first reaction is defensiveness, demotivation, antipathy, or even retribution. I’ve had a number of clients say that on giving a supervisee a deservedly poor performance review, in addition to no improvement, the employee made a formal complaint to HR. Yet criticism, especially constructive criticism, is widely viewed as key to individual, organizational, and societal progress.
Here, I make the case that while criticism is invaluable to self-teaching computers, people aren’t computers. They have feelings, which usually tip the scales toward minimizing criticism and maximizing earned praise.
When criticizing is usually wise
- You may, with less risk, criticize if it doesn't attack a hard-to-improve characteristic such as drive or reasoning ability, and if it's a criticism that's easy to fix. For example, a friend comes to visit you in your counseling office and mentions that the magazine rack in your waiting room is messy. Or you asked someone to review your resume and they point out a misspelling.
- When writing a review on, for example, Amazon or Yelp. There, let-'er-rip honesty is clearly the way to go.
- Some behaviors are intolerable. For example, if you are troubled by your romantic partner's substance abuse, it's wise to bring it up, probably tactfully but occasionally, if the person's wall of resistance is thick, forcefully.
When to think twice before criticizing
In most cases, unless you’re confident that a person responds well to constructive criticism, it’s often wise to hold your tongue but perhaps lower your expectations for them, even adjusting the tasks you assign. That will make criticism less necessary. Not criticizing may also be easier on you: It’s not fun to criticize.
The advice to minimize criticism applies not just to work but to personal relationships. For example, if you find inedible your domestic partner’s attempts to make elaborate dishes, you might say, “I particularly like your (easy-to-make dish that you like better (say, grilled cheese)." Or offer to do more of the cooking.
Some people believe that, generally, the scale tips toward criticism as long as you’re tactful. For example, “I’ve noticed X. I’m wondering what you think and what we might do about it?” Or that criticism is worth trying as long as you sugar-coat it by sandwiching it between two praises. But such techniques have been around long enough that many people won’t respond more positively than if you had given it to them straight.
So you might want to adopt this rule of thumb: Unless the person's bad behavior is quite serious, be sparing with criticism and generous with earned praise. Disagree? Okay, criticize me.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
