The First Date

In this series' first installment, I describe how to figure out what you're looking for, plus best practices in online dating, getting set-up, and joining ongoing group activities.

In this installment, whether it’s that brief coffee meeting after “meeting” online, or a traditional first date, the following pertains.

Dress and behave as you would in the relationship

It’s a mistake to put on a show to make a good first impression. You can’t and don’t want to get the person to like you based on a persona you can’t or don’t want to keep up. So, if you’re a casual dresser, dress casually. If you’re serious, don’t try to be perky. If you like to listen more than talk, do so, although do try to talk at least 1/4 of the time. Ask questions of the person, both to take the pressure off you and to show that you’re not egotistical.

At your first meeting, give credence to your first impression of the person:

• Physical attractiveness: Sometimes photos, even if recent and in focus, may not reveal that je ne sais quoi. Sure, sometimes the chemistry grows, but often, your first intuition is right. It’s kind of like what SAT tutors say: Usually, your first guess is the right one. Can you see yourself both physically involved and pleased to be seen with this person as your romantic partner? Is their mode of dress at least somewhat acceptable—The relationship may not work if you’re mainstream and s/he's a throwback to the Hippie ‘60s plus tats, piercings, and green hair.
• If it’s not just a fling, even in the first few seconds, you probably can get a preliminary sense of whether s/he’s appropriately intelligent, achievement-motivated, emotionally together, and kind. For example, if his or her first line comes out without hesitation and is clever but not cutesy, it speaks to intelligence as well as having a measure of emotional security. Other signs of being emotionally together are good eye contact and not appearing unduly stressed.
• Signs of being achievement-motivated include choosing an appropriate meeting place, being on time, and speaking concisely rather than discursively.
• Assess kindness by seeing if s/he seems interested in you and others, not just him or herself. Without being a Pollyanna, does his or her world view seem reasonably positive? Assessing kindness may be especially easy with people over 35. It’s said that after that age, we wear our personality on our face. Look, for example, at the corners of his or her mouth: turned slightly upward, downward, or neutral? The tendency to smile or frown may be etched in.

Listen more than talk

Even if you’re talkative by nature, it’s probably wise, especially in a first meeting, to talk 20 to 40 percent of the time. Not only does that suggest you care about other people, it affords you more opportunity to assess him or her. Does s/he sound interesting, intelligent, kind? Does s/he make reasonable inferences from what you’ve said? Balance talking and listening? Upbeat and serious? Patient but not a slug? Do you sense s/he’s low-maintenance, emotionally and materially? If s/he talks more than just a bit and positively about drugs or alcohol, s/he might have a substance abuse problem. Do you sense s/he’s generous, for example, offering to pay at least half the bill?

What to say

Starting with bit of small talk allows people to relax. On a first meeting, it’s often wise to start with a positive “environmental comment,” no not about climate change but about the immediate environment, for example, “I go to this cafe pretty often and I like it. You?”

After your opening comment or question, listen, really listen, and then say or ask something in response. You probably don’t want to try to unearth deep, dark secrets but it’s often valuable and possible to quickly have a substantive conversation that can help you assess compatibility and potentially start a real relationship. For example:

Person 1: So, this is my second coffee date from match.com. How about you?

Person 2: It’s my third.

Person 1: Your tone of voice suggests they weren’t rousing successes.

Person 2: They were okay. How about yours?

Person 1: Okay minus.

Person 2: Want to tell me about it?

Person 1: Well, she talked mainly about her upcoming vacation. Not that interesting. What’s top of mind for you these days?

Person 2: Well, I’m pretty involved at work. We’re rolling out a next-generation anti-depression app.

Person 1: Are you dealing with depression?

Person 1: Nah, I’m just your garden-variety worry-wart.

Person 2: I kind of am too. You tell me about yours and I’ll tell you about mine?

Person 1: Well, I worry about my son. I think he’s just a normal, active boy who's bored in school but his teacher wants him evaluated for ADHD.

Person 2: I’d worry too. Do you see having more kids?

Person 1: One’s enough for now.

Person 2: For now?

Person 1: Well, who knows…

Person 2: You’d have nine more?

S/he smiles.

Person 1: Do you have kids?

The ping pong principle: Note that both people talked roughly the same amount and their comments were brief. That back-and-forth leads to more connection than do lecturettes. Plus, the longer your statements, the more likely you’ll be viewed as egotistical.

Restrain confirmation bias. At least for the first 15 or 30 minutes, after which you might decide, “Nope,” try to restrain your confirmation bias: ignoring input that conflicts with your first impression. While first impressions are often accurate, they’re incorrect often enough that you should try to withhold ossified judgment for a bit.

Besides, giving the person 15 to 30 minutes is polite—the person made an effort to prepare and show up, and feel the anxiety common in first dates.

Other factors

As the conversation progresses, you may be in a better position to make a judgment about these important factors:

Financial compatibility. If you're considering a long-term relationship such as marriage, it's important to assess the extent to which both of you will be contributing, long-term to the family income. With the cost of major items such as housing and college being so high, two incomes are normally required to avoid undue burden and stress on one person.

Compatible failings. It tends to work best of both partners’ failings are of similar impact on each other’s lives. For example, if one partner struggles with moderate depression and the other with moderate anxiety, both of them will be making similar levels of sacrifice, making it easier for the relationship to work. The relationship is less likely to work if the partners’ failings vary greatly in severity, for example, if one person’s biggest failing is merely a tendency to work too hard and be a little intense, while the other partner, no matter how physically attractive, abuses substances to deal with major depression

The goodbye

If after 15 or 30 minutes, you’re clear it’s not a match made in heaven or even here on earth, crisply but kindly end it. For example, you might say, “I appreciate our visit and you’re quite attractive but our energy levels are quite different, plus our politics are quite different. I wish you the best.”

If the person does seem worth another get-together, it’s still probably too early for one that requires hours of talking, for example, dinner. But consider going to a movie or to hear a talk —There will be time to speak before and after, and a movie or talk provides a topic for conversation. If you’d like to see the person again, make a date right then or at least specify when you’ll be back in touch. It’s rude to leave a person hanging.

Sex? Of course, the best-laid plans can go awry if sparks burst into flames but it’s usually wise to decide in advance that—unless you’re looking just for sport sex—you’ll restrain intimacy for a few dates, especially if, for you, having sex establishes a hard-to-break bond.

Your prince or princess is probably out there

Do try to maintain high standards. My clients who are successful in love tend to cut their losses quickly and not let a likely too-flawed relationship dribble on. They either accept the person pretty much as-is or they end it, clean. The chances of significantly “fixing” a person in a reasonable amount of time are too small. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And often, being solo is better than even in a so-so relationship. Accept or leave. But even if you’re far from perfect, there probably is a person who, among the frogs, is your prince or princess.

I read this aloud on YouTube.

The next installment, which should be published tomorrow is Should You Marry?