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Motivation
The Talk Rule
The power of speaking a little less than your share.
Posted November 15, 2019 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Talking is risky:
- You could bore. Think of how often you find someone boring.
- You could self-aggrandize. Think of how often you think talkers are full of themselves.
- You could drain the other person’s motivation to act. The more of a conversation’s energy you suck up, the less there is for the other person. In a conversation aimed at a solution, if your conversation partner is doing most of the talking, aren’t you less likely to be invested in the solution, falling prey to the not-invented-here syndrome?
- The sense of mystery. There's no wondering, "What's s/he thinking?"
Of course, not talking enough imposes liabilities. You lose:
- agency—You don’t want to be a flimsy sail blown around by others’ bloviating.
- the opportunity to be impressive. Good ideas and humor aren't easily demonstrated in silence.
- the clarifying effect of verbalizing, hence the adage that the teacher learns as much as the student.
- the pleasure of self-expression. Most people enjoy expressing themselves.
Those benefits and liabilities form the basis for The Talk Rule: Speak a little less than your share. For example, in a two-person conversation, talk 20 to 40 percent of the time. In a four-person conversation, 10 to 20 percent.
Of course, that will vary with the situation: how knowledgeable you are on the topic, your conversation partner, and your motivation: Do you care more to impress or to empower?
Alas, while my verbose clients acknowledge the Talk Rule’s wisdom, they can’t often enough make themselves adhere to it. Their circumspection gets trumped by one or more of the following:
Obliviousness to dominating the conversation. It helps to pay attention to signs from your listener: interrupting, sighing, looking away, angling away, tapping fingers or shaking feet.
Unwillingness to restrain their desire to self-express. Possible fixes:
- Consider verbosity's aforementioned liabilities.
- The Traffic Light Rule: During the first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green, in the 2nd 30 it’s yellow—the aforementioned risks are increasing. After 60, the benefit of continuing to talk usually are outweighed by the advantages of shutting up or asking a question. If the person wants to know more, they can ask—they rarely will.
- Think of a conversation as a ping-pong game: the ball quickly goes from side to side. Think of top TV and radio interviews—good interviewees’ answers range from 10 to 45 seconds.
Unwillingness to restrain the desire to impress. Realize that overt efforts to impress are likely to disempower your conversation partner, engender jealousy, and/or portray you as a show-off. Your abilities can seep through organically and without risk if you make brief, modest statements, listen carefully, and occasionally paraphrase your conversation partner’s statements.
Assuming that what you're saying is interesting to the listener. We’re usually more interested in our own interests than in others’. The issue is, how much less interested is your conversation partner? Stay vigilant: Ask yourself, “Is my listener likely to be interested in this?” Even when you ask directly, you may not get an honest answer—People are polite. After all, when someone is talking at you and ask if it’s interesting, how likely are you to say no?
Inability to be concise. Such people literally try to talk their way from muddle into clarity. It helps to follow the aforementioned Traffic Light Rule or to tell only part of your idea or story in a single utterance. Say a bit and shut up or ask a question such as, “What do you think of that?” or “Should I say more?”
The takeaway
Following the Talk and Traffic Light Rules creates bonds, provides more learning opportunities, and increases influence. Alas, as with so much self-improvement advice, it’s easier to dispense than to implement. I must admit to often violating both rules, but they’re goals worth aspiring to.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
