When You’re Tempted to Be Direct

Source: Kev-Shine, CC 2.0

I just finished a session with a client who claims not to like confrontation but who nonetheless ends up arguing a lot with her coworkers and customers. (She’s the head of an organization.)

In her defense, she said, “But I tell them, we all want to do a good job. We need to be civil.”

But on probing, it was clear she does many things that lead to unnecessary confrontation which, ironically, lead to her supervisees being less productive. She indeed admitted that her tendency is to be direct, blunt, “to hit ‘em between the eyes. I feel I should tell them ‘I’m tired of your nit-picking. Would you stop it, Goddammit?!'”

There are times to be direct, unvarnished, but it’s wise to reserve in-your-face confrontation for:

• the small percentage of people whom you know thrive on directness.
• important issues on which face-saving approaches have failed or are very likely to.
• people whose high self-esteem mitigates against their considering they might be wrong. Unless you’re very direct in stating your concern, such people will remain in blissful ignorance and complacency. Sometimes it's wise to just live with that, but not always.

During the session, my client and I identified tactics to use when you decide not to be so direct. Perhaps you might find one or more useful, not just at work but in your personal life.

When someone suggests an idea you don’t like

Play deaf. Occasionally but only occasionally, the minimally confrontive approach is wisest: After nodding and waiting a second to convey to the person that you processed what they said, redirect the conversation.

Take notes. In a one-on-one meeting, write down the person's idea. That conveys you're taking them seriously. At a larger meeting, perhaps write ideas you don’t like on the white board---the “ideas bin” for “possible consideration later.”

Say “Interesting” or “Good thought” and redirect the conversation.

Legitimate then gently raise the concern as a question. For example, I can see why you’d want to do that. I’m wondering what you think of X (insert alternative?)

Have amnesia. If someone suggested an idea previously that you are convinced is unworthy, you might choose to conveniently forget about it. The person will likely get the point without your having to directly shoot them down. Use that only sparingly. Many people get very frustrated when you say you'll get back to them on an issue but don't.

When you want to raise a concern about a person

You might try:

"I’ve noticed that you (insert your concern about them.) For example, (insert.) I’m concerned. Am I not understanding something?"

Or if it's a concern you previously raised, you might try, "You’ll recall we talked about X and you said you’d work on it. Perhaps I’m missing something but I haven’t noticed a change. Can you help me out?”

The takeaway

The wise employee, especially in management or leadership, recognizes that s/he must decide on a case-by-case basis how direct to be. "Hitting them between the eyes" should be considered the nuclear option, used only in the most extreme circumstances, if at all. But just as in supervising your employees, one size of directness does not fit all.

Dr. Nemko is a career and personal coach. You can reach him at mnemko@comcast.net.