Language That Deepens Trauma Instead of Healing It

Through my clinical work with trauma survivors, I’ve learned the profound impact words can have. I strive to use thoughtful language in therapy, with the goal of not re-traumatizing or invalidating a survivor’s experience. Unfortunately, many clients still encounter harmful language outside therapy, which disrupts their healing process.

Words hold immense power. Our words can lift up or bury someone. This is especially true for trauma survivors. The wrong words can wound, isolate, and intensify the pain they already carry. Certain language can re-trigger old wounds and reinforce feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, and mistrust.

The Power of Language in Trauma

Trauma, whether from abuse, loss, violence, or other life-altering events, shakes the core of a person’s sense of safety.¹ Healing involves recovering from what happened and rebuilding trust. Language plays an essential role in this process.

Harmful Words to Avoid

When speaking to or about trauma survivors, our words can either create a space for healing or reinforce their pain. Healing language validates emotions, fosters empathy, and lets survivors feel seen. But when we use words that dismiss, minimize, or blame, we deepen the harm and hinder the healing process.

1. “Forgive and forget.”

This phrase holds personal significance for me, as it’s tied to my own experience of childhood abuse.

At age 2, I was abused by my babysitter, a neighbor of my paternal grandparents, someone my family trusted. This abuse left physical scars and resulted in a year-long hospital stay. Despite this, some family members kept in contact with her, which forced me to interact with her. When I expressed discomfort, I was told that to heal, I needed to “forgive and forget.” Rather than helping, these words invalidated my pain and made me feel more isolated, deepening my struggle to trust others.

Part of healing is giving survivors the space to talk about their experiences whenever they need to. Pressuring them to forgive sends the harmful message that their pain shouldn’t be acknowledged or shared and that their healing process should be rushed.²

2. “It could have been worse.”

Sometimes, friends and family may try to comfort survivors by saying, “It could have been worse.” However, this minimizes the survivor’s pain. I saw this firsthand with Chris, a client who had a history of military sexual trauma.

Chris came to our session visibly distressed, his clothes in disarray, and shared his frustration: “I wasn’t sexually penetrated, but I was still violated. When my wife says it could have been worse, all I hear is that she doesn’t think what happened to me is worth discussing.”

While the intent may be to offer some perspective, this language invalidates the survivor’s emotions. Whether intentional or not, comparing experiences to others minimizes the survivor’s pain, undermines their emotions, and suggests their trauma is less significant. Every survivor’s journey is valid and unique, and their pain is not something to be downplayed.

3. “You’re being too sensitive.”

After trauma, it is natural to experience emotional responses, including fear, anger, sadness, and anxiety. For some survivors, these emotions persist, causing disruptions in daily life.

Vanessa, for instance, shared: “My car accident happened years ago, but every time I’m driving with someone, I feel out of control. I have to tell them to ‘slow down’ or ‘watch that car.’ I’m terrified, but they always say I’m being too sensitive or overreacting.”

Another client, Amy, shared, “My friends are constantly saying I am a highly sensitive person every time I am anxious or openly cry. This is why I cannot tell people how I feel. I have shut down and accepted that I have to hide my emotions.”

Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” dismisses their emotional responses, especially when those responses are directly tied to past trauma.³ Emotions are normal reactions to trauma. To call someone “too sensitive” for feeling these emotions invalidates their experience and makes them feel ashamed of their vulnerability. It also suggests that they should suppress their feelings, which is often unhealthy and counterproductive to healing.

4. “Not in public.”

Public stereotypes about trauma can deeply affect the support survivors receive. These opinions influence how others perceive the severity of trauma, which can shape their willingness to offer empathy, understanding, and assistance.

When a survivor shares their experiences, especially on social media, they are sometimes told they are trauma dumping, which refers to unloading traumatic experiences suddenly or without warning. However, what is often seen as trauma dumping may be a survivor’s attempt to raise awareness or express emotions that were previously dismissed or silenced

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This was the case for Renee, a client who had previously experienced interpersonal partner violence (IPV), left that relationship, and was now using her social media platforms to spread awareness about IPV. While she felt stronger and more resilient than she had when she started therapy, she reported ongoing depression.

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She shared, “I want to raise awareness on my socials to help others, but every time I do, some people tell me I shouldn’t discuss this publicly. I don’t get it. It’s like people still expect me to stay silent and take the abuse.”

Words That Promote Healing

Healing from trauma is a deeply personal journey, and language is a tool that can either hinder or help. As we interact with trauma survivors, whether in our personal lives or professional settings, it’s important to be mindful of our words. Healing language respects the survivor’s experience, validates their emotions, and promotes a compassionate environment for recovery.

Here are some phrases that can help open the door for healing:

• “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I’m here to listen.”
• “It’s understandable you feel this way.”
• “Your pain is real.”
• “I am sorry that happened to you.”
• “I believe you.”

While we may not always know the perfect words to say, simply listening with empathy and choosing words that reflect respect and kindness can help survivors reclaim their power.