Gray Divorce Can Shock Parents and Adult Children

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Gray divorce refers to couples 50 years and older who are ending their marriage. Research indicates that the divorce rate for this population in the U.S. has doubled since 1990 and is expected to continue to rise. Often, adult children of these divorcing parents feel ignored and unheard but still expected to cope with a situation they are in no way prepared for.

I listened to a young man's voice on my therapy office voicemail. "Hello, my name is Alexander. My dentist told me I should see you, and you could help me." His voice caught in his throat. "Ugh, I'm sorry. This is, ugh. I don't know what to say. Please call me when you can. Thank you."

Soon after, Alexander*, 23, sat on the love seat diagonal to me. Friede was nestled next to him as he softly stroked her head.

Carol: You've already met Friede, my therapy doggie, and I see you two are getting along nicely.

Alexander: Yeah, I grew up with dogs, but I don't have one now. I really miss my dog, Myrtle Mae. She still lives with my parents. Ugh. No, wait. Sorry. She lives with Mom now. Dad moved out.

Tears trickled down his face. Cupping his face in his hands, he whispered, "I don't know how to do this."

Carol: It's OK. There's no right way. I know it's so very difficult, Alexander. I read everything you wrote in your intake questionnaires, so you don't need to repeat any of that now.

At the end of our session, I asked Alexander if he was willing to watch a movie about a young man who was experiencing what he was. He agreed.

Our next session

Alexander: Wow! Thank you so much for the assignment to watch Hope Gap and write about how I related to each scene. It's the first time I haven't felt alone since my dad told me he'd fallen in love with someone else, was leaving Mom, and asked me to take care of her. Boy, did I relate to the scenes in the movie, and writing about them gave me some clarity about what I've been going through.

It's weird how the adult son in the movie and my stories are so similar. I'm an only child too. Like in the movie, I always knew how different Mom and Dad were. Growing up, I just kept going along in my life, like Mom and Dad did. I thought that was how life was supposed to be.

It took me a minute or two to do what you taught me in our last session, to quiet myself, take some very deep breaths, and simply "be there." Then it came to me how blank the scenery in the movie was, and my life was the same. There was no drama. We just did our lives.

Then, when Dad told me he was leaving, I felt like I was in a different world, surreal-like. I didn't know how to do what he wanted me to. The scenery was still blank, with nowhere for me to get help. Then Mom started screaming at me about Dad not caring about her, and telling me to tell Dad this or that, and Dad was doing the same thing, telling me to tell Mom this and not tell her that. I was caught between them. I felt guilty, like I should be able to help them. I wanted to run away.

Alexander took several deep breaths, then said, "The scenery has much more color now, and objects like trees, buildings, and houses. It feels like I'm not so alone."

Carol: I want to hear about the other scenes and how you related to them, If you are willing, we will continue to work together. I am here to support you with what you are going through.

Alexander: Yes, please. I want to work with you. I need to know how to deal with all of this.

Sadly, what Alexander shared is common for adult children whose parents are divorcing after decades of marriage. While he was growing up, he didn't see his parents being effective communicators. In our sessions, he learned how to set boundaries with his parents, which helped him extricate himself from feeling caught between them and being his parents' go-between communicator.

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Hope Gap

The movie Hope Gap is a poignant depiction of family members struggling with the loss of the families they have known for decades. Every scene speaks to adult children and their parents who are experiencing what Alexander and his parents are going through. In the film, writer-director William Nicholson, who struggled with his parents' separation, pays tribute to the unexpected journeys of the family members. He concludes the movie with a poem. The beauty of poetry lies in its ability to be personal and speak to many.

If you relate to this story, working with a therapist who has expertise in how gray divorce affects families might be a good fit for you.

Patient names and details changed to preserve confidentiality.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Copyright 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.