Divorce
When a Divorced Parent Dies: Facing Grief and Old Wounds
Decades after divorce, a parent's death can unearth unresolved emotions.
Updated February 23, 2025 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- A parent's death can unearth unresolved emotions from a past divorce, intensifying the grieving process.
- Setting boundaries can help adult children of divorce navigate grief and complex family dynamics.
- Grief offers a chance for growth, and therapy can help process past wounds and provide emotional clarity.
Researchers Wallerstein and Blakeslee wrote, "Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain—sometimes a never-ending chain—of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved."
Parental divorce catapults children of all ages into an ocean of new and often overwhelming experiences and emotions that accompany the loss of their previous family structure. The intensity of what they experienced may fade with time. Yet, as renowned child psychologist Haim Ginott said, "Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression." Their emotional well-being is affected, and unresolved feelings can resurface later.
The death of a parent is a profound milestone in adult life
For many adult children of divorce, the passing of a parent brings back memories of a fractured family unit. A sense of unfinished business, like unresolved questions, unspoken words, or lingering feelings of shock, sadness, abandonment, and anger, can compound the grieving process. Adult children of divorce may find themselves revisiting events that occurred decades earlier, and their grieving process can become entangled with unresolved emotions from decades earlier.
When infidelity and remarriage are involved, these dynamics can become even more fraught.
Sitting on the couch across from me and gently stroking the velvety ears of my therapy dog, Friede, with both hands, Laura began her therapy session.
Laura: I love that you have a therapy dog. She makes me feel comfortable.
She turned her head away and stared into space through tear-filled eyes.
Laura: Thirty years ago, our father had an affair and abandoned Mom, my brother Ron, and me. He married the woman he was having an affair with. He walked out of our lives! We were in shock. Our world crashed around us. I was 21, and my brother was 19. We had to drop out of college and work full-time to help Mom because she was so depressed. Since then, we have never been close to him or the woman.
She paused as words stuck in her throat. She continued stroking Friede's ears.
Laura: Mom died last week, and the memories and feelings are flooding back. Ron and I have organized Mom's celebration of life for next month. It's for intimate family only. We hired a small boat to take us out on the ocean to scatter her ashes. Later on the same day, there will be a gathering at the clubhouse in Mom's neighborhood.
Carol: I know it's painful to share all this.
Laura: It gets worse! Our father insists on bringing his wife to both events! She's the woman he left us for! Ron and I have repeatedly told him we don't want his wife to attend because it will be our final goodbye to Mom. We told him her presence would disrespect Mom's memory and us in our grief. He continues to insist that she attend. His refusal to honor our wishes has re-opened our wounds from his lifelong abandonment. We were shocked that he could be so uncaring. Then again, he's always focused more on himself than on our emotional well-being.
Carol: What are your thoughts about how to move forward?
Laura: Our father always pushed Ron and me verbally until we gave in to him. He's a bully. We want to be the ones in control, finally. We don't know what else we can do.
Carol: You're carrying a lot of pain and unresolved feelings about your father. Part of your healing journey is about setting healthy boundaries, especially when feeling bullied. I believe you and Ron can come up with a boundary that puts you in control. Next week, let's discuss what you decide.
Laura arrived for her next session smiling.
Laura: We have a solution, and we feel good about it! We will cancel the boat and only have Mom's celebration of life at the clubhouse, and Dad and his wife can attend. We will scatter her ashes on a later date, with only our spouses, Mom's grandkids, and us.
Carol: Ron and you created an excellent boundary that ensures you will be in control. You deserve to feel good about it!
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The death of a parent provides an opportunity for growth. Grief can be a lens through which adult children of divorce can examine the long-term effects of their parents’ divorce. They may benefit from exploring their past with a therapist. By working through their unresolved feelings and understanding how their parents' divorce shaped their beliefs, behaviors, and relationships, they can gain an understanding of themselves, emotional clarity, and peace.
Patient name changed for privacy.
© 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT.
References
Wallerstein, J. and Blakeslee, S. (1989). Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children, A Decade After Divorce. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company.
