Divorce
Can Holidays Be Joyful for Families After Divorce?
Tips for families navigating divorce during the holiday season.
Posted November 24, 2024 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Gray divorce continues to rise, altering holiday traditions and dynamics for Baby Boomer and Gen-X families.
- Families can navigate holiday challenges by creating new traditions and focusing on relationships.
- Healing after divorce requires time, acceptance, and prioritizing family connections over conflict.
Thanksgiving is upon us, with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa close behind. For families experiencing divorce, these winter holidays will never be the same.
In 2012, researchers Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin of Bowling Green University's National Center for Family and Marriage Research published findings revealing that from 1990 to 2010, the divorce rate for those 50 and older doubled, a phenomenon known as "gray divorce." This trend has continued, with a significant rise in divorce rates among older couples in the years since.
Recently, the same researchers released a new analysis of divorce rates from 1990 to 2021, which found that the most significant rise had been among couples 65 and older: It tripled from 1990 to 2021. Their analysis also found that the divorce rate for those 45 and older rose. So, the divorce rate of the Gen-X generation is now also part of the phenomenon.
How does divorce affect families during the holidays?
Families of divorcing Baby Boom and Gen-X couples can consist of babies, young, adolescent, and adult children, in-laws, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandchildren, grandparents, and even great-grandparents, and great-grandchildren. Holidays are about traditions, relationships, families, being together, and celebrating. Rarely is the mood around divorce and the holidays depicted as celebratory. On the contrary, an air of worry about managing and navigating relationships and traditions during the holidays can descend on family members like an ominous cloud foreshadowing a torrential storm.
There are so many questions to consider:
- How will we continue our family traditions?
- Will Dad still have a gingerbread house building on Saturday with the cousins when the cousins' parents are aligned—one with Mom and one with Dad—and not talking to each other?
- Will Mom be up to having her usual cookie-baking get-together with the grandchildren when she is so depressed?
- Can our grandparents be cordial to each other when Mom's parents are angry at Dad, and Dad's parents are furious at Mom?
- Adult children who have no siblings worry about how to divide their time between each parent when the parents aren't amicable. Should they spend time with Mom on Christmas morning and Dad in the afternoon? They often worry that one parent will be alone when they leave to spend time with their other.
- Or perhaps Mom has a new significant other whom her minor and adult children view as responsible for the demise of their family. They do not want to share holidays with him. Is it OK to tell Mom they wish to spend holiday time with only her?
- I need a break and want to be away from all my family this year. Is that OK?
Options for these families
Despite the challenges, both minor and adult children often demonstrate remarkable resilience in the face of divorce. They find ways to navigate complex family dynamics, even when it feels like battle lines are drawn. This resilience can inspire hope and reassurance for parents and extended family members.
Minor children often say, "I have enough love for everybody. Let's have two Thanksgivings, Christmases, Hanukkahs, or Kwanzaas, one at Grandma's and one at Grandpa's. Or if they don't like each other right now, they can come to our house at different times. It's simple!" Sometimes, parents agree. It takes some organization, but it can happen.
At their core, holidays are about family relationships, not just traditions. Adult children can divide their time between each parent's house on the same or different days. Families can create new traditions while maintaining relationships, offering a sense of optimism for the future.
Adult children can also take charge of the situation by hosting the celebrations at their homes. They can set clear boundaries, inviting all family members to join if they can be civil, and politely asking those who can't to refrain from attending. This empowerment can be a significant step in the healing process.
Grieving is the constant companion of divorce
Divorce brings a multitude of losses, and it's important to acknowledge and grieve them. Family members often express sentiments like, "There are so many 'nevers.' We will never be at our family home again. Dad and Mom may never be in the same room again with us family members. Mom and Dad will never sit together at our children's christenings, graduations, and marriages. The losses seem endless." Recognizing these losses is a crucial part of the healing process.
Also crucial for healing is accepting the reality of divorce. The family system, comprised of three or four generations, is reorganizing, perhaps into unique subsets of the former family system. Sometimes, families experiencing divorce can expand their family system to include everyone, such as their mom and dad's significant others and grandchildren, which can only happen after grieving and healing have occurred. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time.
There can be hope, healing, and even future happiness if family members affected by gray divorce believe that what is happening to their family is a problem to be solved, not a battle to be won.
© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT
References
Brown, S.L. and Lin, I-Fen. "The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990–2010," Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 67, no. 6 (2012): 731–741, doi:10.1093/geronb/gbs089.
Brown, S. L. and I-Fen Lin. 2022. "The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change." The Journals of Gerontology: Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 77:1710-1720. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbac057.
