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I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome a long time ago now but I would say that without doubt I am the most emotionally contagious person I know. Not only that but I seem to unconsciously evoke my own repressed emotions in others with great potency.
Today I've managed to make both my mother and my father cry in separate discussions; they've been separated since I was little and upon re-inspection of how I behaved I think I may have unwittingly been attempting to get them back together.
It seems I'm not aware of what I'm feeling or how I should be feeling when saying things, so am unable to gauge the atmosphere I'm bringing about.
When my parents wanted a second child they had trouble conceiving so a sperm donor was necessary. I love my dad. He's the nicest, most tolerant and patient man I've ever met - and I wouldn't trade him for the world. During the aforementioned conversation I was having with my mum earlier I mentioned that I couldn't wait to have children of my own. My mum knows that I'm bisexual and I guess I've been giving off a particularly 'man-friendly' vibe lately because she then mentioned, to put any worries I may have to rest, that I could easily have a male partner and adopt a child if I wanted. Without any thought about my own situation I stated with conviction that I would want my own DNA in my child, and as you can imagine that was what sent her into the other room. Although she did her best to hide that she was upset it soon became obvious just what I had said. After realising, my disguised attempts to console her just made things worse.
My head is exploding into a migraine as I write this so I hope you're still with me, there's a lot more to go.
Finally feeling like I've been coming out of a long depressive phase in my life, these last couple days have felt like something of a turning point. One of the major objects that has pushed me towards allowing myself to think this has been the discovery of some new music, music by a band that I had heard my mum listening to quite some time ago now but I hadn't bothered to try out at first because superficially it seemed "wank" as I put it. However, after seeing the other day that a music reviewer whose opinion I respect had rated the album as his favourite in 2011 (it's helplessness blues by fleet foxes if you're wondering) I thought I'd give it a go and instantly fell in love.
Well, after picking me up from my mum's and helping me move some things into the attic I thought I'd show my dad my new-found sonic bliss. Not a minute into the song I could tell it was having an effect on him, voice shakes etc and so I paused it once again then becoming aware of what my unconscious motives might be. After a chat he asked me to put on a track from their debut album, one that I hadn't heard and this time he had to take off his glasses and rub his eyes as I averted my gaze not wanting to have him see me know he was upset - he soon after mentioned that he was tired.
I can't word this without questioning how I can't have known exactly what I was doing and what was going on, so I won't claim that it isn't the case. All I know is that it certainly didn't feel like these were my intentions when I said the things I did. If I was aware then you'll probably agree with me when I say I probably don't deserve a place on this planet or parents as perfect as I've got.
The last hour or so has consisted of me breaking down on several levels and at great length, but I have to say I feel somewhat better since I've managed to word my thoughts and my migraine is ebbing away. I should also probably mentioned that I took MDMA for the second time in my life earlier this week and have been up and down since but nothing quite to this scale.
Anyway this is probably absurdly long now and has gone somewhat off topic but I hope this has given anyone reading an idea of what a living nightmare Asperger syndrome and other Autism spectrum disorders can be for its sufferers and their families. Now that this is all over I just feel numb to the core.
