The Psychology of Embarrassment, Shame, and Guilt

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Embarrassment, shame, and guilt are reflexive emotions—that is, emotions about the self. All three evolved as social appeasement mechanisms, serving to keep us accepted by the group. But, despite some overlap, they are distinct constructs. Let’s look at each one in turn.

Embarrassment

Embarrassment is the feeling of discomfort when (1) some aspect of ourself is, or threatens to be, revealed to others, and (2) we think that this revelation is likely to undermine the image that we seek to project to these others. Potential sources of embarrassment vary according to circumstances, and, in particular, to the company in which we find ourself. They include particular thoughts, feelings, or dispositions; actions or behaviours such as farting or swearing; conditions or states such as bad breath or a pot belly; possessions such as our car or home; and relations such as our oafish partner, criminal uncle, or lecherous aunt. Sources of embarrassment need not be beneath our projected image, but merely out of keeping with it—which explains why it is possible, at times, to be embarrassed by our posh parents or privileged upbringing.

Shame

Whereas embarrassment is a response to something that threatens our projected image but is otherwise morally neutral, shame is a response to something that is morally reprehensible. Shame is often exacerbated if its object is exposed, but, unlike embarrassment, also attaches to a thought or action that remains undisclosed and undiscoverable. Embarrassment can sometimes be intense, but shame is a more substantial feeling in that it pertains to our moral character and not merely to our social character or image.

Shame arises from measuring our actions against moral norms and discovering that they fall short. If our actions fall short and we fail to notice, we can ‘be shamed’ or made to notice—an extreme example being Cersei Lannister’s Walk of Shame in Game of Thrones. If having been made to notice, we do not much mind, we might be said to be shameless, or ‘have no shame’. In the Rhetoric, Aristotle, ever the fine psychologist, remarks that shame also arises from lacking in honourable things shared by others like us, especially if the lack is our own fault and owes to our moral badness. Finally, it is possible to feel shame vicariously, that is, to share in the shame of another person or feel shame on his or her behalf, especially if this person is closely allied or associated with us, for example, our partner, sibling, or child. Thus, even blameless people can experience shame, and this is also true of embarrassment and other emotions. ‘Hell’ said the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (d. 1980), ‘is other people.’

Try, right now, to act out the feeling of shame … What did you do? The word ‘shame’ descends from the Proto-Indo-European root for ‘to cover’, and the feeling of shame is often expressed by a covering gesture over the brow and eyes, a downcast gaze, and a slack posture. Other manifestations of shame include a sense of warmth or heat and mental confusion or paralysis. These signs and symptoms can convey remorse and contrition, and, in so doing, inspire pity and pardon. Even so, we may prefer to make a secret of our shame, for shame can itself be shameful—or, to be more precise, embarrassing.

People with low self-esteem, being harsher upon themselves, are more prone to shame. In some cases, they may defend against being shamed with blame or contempt, often for those who shamed them, or for some scapegoat. In the medium term, this is likely to lead to deeper shame, and so to lower self-esteem, opening up a vicious cycle—which may be broken if, like some politicians, they become shameless.

While overwhelming shame can be destructive, mild to moderate shame is mostly a force for good, goading us to live more ethical lives.

Guilt

Whereas shame pertains to a moral agent, guilt pertains to an action or actions, and to blame and remorse. Shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt says, “I did something bad.” More subtly, whereas shame involves falling short of accepted moral standards, guilt involves falling short of one’s own moral standards. Thus, it is entirely possible to feel guilty about actions of which many or most of our peers approve, such as wearing designer clothes, driving a gas-guzzling car, or eating red meat.

Guilt and shame often go hand in hand, which is why they are so often confused. For instance, when we injure someone, we often feel bad about having done so (guilt), and, at the same time, feel bad about ourselves (shame). Yet guilt and shame are different and distinct emotions.

Shame is ‘egodystonic’, that is, in conflict with our desired self-image, and high levels of shame are correlated with poor psychological functioning. In particular, eating disorders and many sexual disorders can be understood as disorders of shame, as can narcissism, which may be construed as a defence against shame.

Guilt on the other hand is ‘egosyntonic’, that is, in keeping with our self-image, and—except in severe cases such as that of the regicidal Lady Macbeth—is unrelated to, or even inversely correlated with, poor psychological functioning.

Faced with the same set of circumstances, people with high self-esteem are more prone to guilt than to shame, and more likely to take reparative or redemptive action.

For the crucial distinction between shame and humiliation—and why humiliation can be so devastating—see Why Humiliation Is Worse Than Death.