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Top 10 Psychology Jokes

The top 10 funniest psychology, psychotherapy, and psychiatry jokes.

Source: Pexels

[Article revised on 3 May 2020.]

1. Two behaviorists meet each other in the street. "Hi," says one, "How am I feeling today?"

Some time later, they have sex. The other one says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?"

2. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!"

The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"

3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

4. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

5. "Doctor," said the receptionist over the phone, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

6. Pavlov's dog to his ladyfriend: "See that! Everytime I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook."

7. At a job interview for a new receptionist:

"I see you used to be employed by a psychotherapist. Why did you leave?"

"Well, I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional."

8. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny replied.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

9. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed,

"My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

10. "After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes."

"What did he say?"

""No hablo inglés.""

And one last one for the road

A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.

"Ten years," said the Zen master.

"Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?"

"Twenty years."

Neel Burton is author of Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions, Hypersanity: Thinking Beyond Thinking and other books.