Keys to Helping Adolescent Girls Thrive in the Digital Age

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.

From their vast experience in counseling and studying adolescent girls in recent decades, bestselling authors Mary Pipher and daughter Sara Gilliam (2019) offer sage counsel for parenting adolescent girls in today’s complex, often toxic digital culture.

1. Teach girls to cope with hard times. Parents can:

• Remind them that their worth does not equal their weight, appearance, or social status. There’s more to their story—their personality, intelligence, kindness, character, talents, interests, efforts to make the world a better place—things that were known and appreciated in smaller communities of yesteryear. Security in their worth allows them to shrug off rejection and other hard times.
• Instill the optimistic idea that they can work to achieve a bright future. Some families expect their teens to work or volunteer over the summer for 20 hours per week to build responsibility and confidence.
• Encourage them to talk in person to trusted friends or adults, rather than turning to social media or aloneness to deal with difficult emotions
• Model and teach self-calming practices, such as yoga, mindfulness, or prayer.
• Encourage journaling when girls are troubled or tempted to harm themselves.
• Encourage adolescent girls to wait for at least 30 minutes before responding to hurt feelings on social media, knowing that their responses can be passed around.

2. Encourage daughters to be comfortable with their feelings. All feelings are OK. They can be accepted, respected, and constructively managed. All hunger, for example, is not hunger for food. Rather than coping with fears through eating (binging, purging, dieting), teens can be helped to get in touch with their feelings and learn different ways to cope with them—such as journaling, talking about them with trusted individuals, or exercising.

3. Help them gain perspective. Hanging out time with adolescents provides opportunities for parents to teach perspective:

• We can find joy in our bodies if we accept imperfections and focus on what is good about them.
• We can focus on being fit and healthy, rather than thin like the models or cheerleaders girls are tempted to compare themselves to.
• School is just school. Grades don’t define you. Try your best and accept the outcome.
• It’s unrealistic for anyone to expect to be liked by everyone.
• Emotional ups and downs are normal. Down times are not permanent.

4. Ask self-discovery questions to help adolescent girls be confident in who they truly are. The authors suggest questions such as these:

• How do you feel about that? What do you think?
• What did you learn from that experience?
• What are your long-term goals? What strengths might help you reach these goals? What could be a small step to move you in the right direction?
• How would you describe yourself to yourself?
• What kind of leisure/work do you like?
• When do you feel most yourself?
• What will you be proud of when looking back on your life as an older person?
• What kind of a relationship do you want?
• All feelings are OK. What can you learn from your pain?
• That was a kind thing to do. How did you feel about that?

5. Help them understand wholesome sexuality. Parents can:

• Teach adolescent girls that sex is about love in a committed relationship, not pleasing young men who don’t have their best interests at heart. One father reminds his daughters that they’re beautiful outside and in, so they’ll have the security to resist unhealthy dating pressures.
• Teach that one’s first sexual experience sets the pattern for later experiences. They’ll want it to be gentle, where both are respected, and where they can talk about their future. Most of a relationship is not sexual, but is about friendship, working together, talking, laughing, solving problems, having mutual friends, and enjoying outings. Wholesome sex occurs when there is mutual trust and assurance that you are valued for the person you are, not your body.
• Assure them they don’t have to risk being hurt before they’re ready for sex. Wise girls often avoid sex in high school in favor of waiting until they’re more emotionally mature.
• Discuss how difficult it is to draw the line. It is OK to say no, and wise to avoid situations where they might get hurt. (“How would you say no and be ready to confidently and clearly explain why?”)

The authors assert that girls today like parents to protect them. Parents might encourage daughters to invite a prospective date over for dinner. If junior high girls ask if they can date, parents might respond, “We want you to have friends of both sexes. Invite friends over anytime for games or movies with our family. Tell boys you’re not allowed to date yet.”

Talk to girls about what they’re seeing online. Watch it with them. Have honest discussions about the negative effects of pornography and precocious sexual activity. Also watch wholesome websites together.

The authors also encourage parents to push lawmakers to outlaw degrading and brutal images of pornography.

Conclusion

Today’s digital culture heightens the developmental complexities faced by adolescent girls who are trying to figure out who they are and their place in the world. Prepared parents increase the chances that adolescent girls will develop into secure and resilient adults.