Marriage After Childhood Trauma

Like almost all others, survivors of childhood trauma long for loving connection. Although they often bring unique challenges to marriage as a result of their hidden wounds, they are capable of forming secure and safe marital relationships. In fact, it is a tribute to their courage that they’ll risk connection again after their hearts have been broken.

Susan (Sue) Johnson is the primary developer of emotionally focused therapy for couples (EFT), a respected, well-researched approach to couple counseling that addresses the unaddressed attachment needs that drive repeating conflicts in marriage. This article highlights key findings from her classic work with trauma survivors (Johnson 2005).

Key Emotionally Focused Therapy Principles

1. Secure attachment is not just what children need. Close attachment bonds greatly benefit us throughout life. Stable, loving connections give us a secure sense of self (“I’m worthy of love; I matter; I trust myself and others”); provide needed emotional comfort; regulate strong, distressing emotions; promote mental and physical health; and foster resilience during distressing times. Conversely, isolation is as harmful to physical health as smoking, hypertension, and high cholesterol. In loving adult relationships, we find a safe haven for comfort and a secure base for venturing out into the world. Healthy attachment relationships also enable couples to build more resilient families.
2. Dependency is a healthy part of being human, a need we don’t outgrow. Connections with those we trust and depend on calm the nervous system, while promoting confidence and self-reliance.
3. Relationship bonds are built by emotional accessibility and responsiveness. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs for comfort and connection. Unsuccessful attempts to attach to a partner during distressing times often result in angry protests, desperate demands, clinging, testing to see if the partner really loves you, and—when hope seems lost—depression, despair, and detachment. Failure to respond emotionally to the distressed partner’s pleas can lead to a relationship rupture, a lasting sense of betrayal, and distrust. Conversely, a comforting response builds trust.
4. Isolation and loss are traumatizing. Distressed relationships are common among survivors of childhood trauma. Violations of human connection in childhood often contaminate adult relationships, making it difficult to trust and regulate emotions. Relationship troubles can trigger old unresolved feelings, such as abandonment, disgust for oneself, or wanting love but feeling undeserving. It can be joyful when both partners are united against the effects of trauma on their relationship—when each is a trusted, comforting, safe haven for the other, and when problems are addressed constructively. However, childhood trauma survivors commonly have fewer resources to draw upon and, so, are more likely to get stuck in repetitive cycles of anger, defensiveness, distance, and distrust.

Common Cycles of Conflict

Habitual patterns of coping are commonly learned in childhood to survive trauma. For example, one partner might anxiously cling to, or aggressively pursue, a loved one, hoping to obtain a caring, emotional response. When efforts to connect appear futile, that partner might shut down attachment needs and withdraw from the unresponsive partner.

The unresponsive partner, who never learned how to respond to emotional needs, might shut down, withdraw, and/or focus on tasks or routines to maintain predictability and order. When the pursuit intensifies to an unbearable level, the distancing partner might angrily defend himself or herself, and then withdraw further.

As the conflict cycle continues, distrust, alienation, and bickering increase. The cycle seems to confirm the idea that connecting is too unsafe to risk. The patterns formed in childhood to protect against vulnerability—anger and avoiding fearful feelings—are not working in adulthood. Here’s an example of how childhood attachment disruptions and trauma continue to play out in adult relationships:

Raised by an abusive father, Jann never saw caring modeled at home and doesn’t know how to ask for—or consistently show—it. In her marriage, Jann needs and pushes for closeness, but when it is offered, she often becomes fearful and avoidant. She is ambivalent about depending on others, whom she assumes are untrustworthy. Because of her mistreatment, she sees herself as undeserving of love and fears disappointing John, her partner, sexually. She gets angry when he does not respond to her need for closeness, but when he reaches for her, she rejects his touch and withdraws. She tends to angrily overreact to disagreements and has become quite critical of him. Ironically, as she pushes for closeness, her aggressive style pushes John away when she needs him most. Her partner’s retreat confirms her fears that she is still like a small, damaged child—unworthy of love.

John learned to shut down his feelings to survive a difficult childhood where love wasn’t shown, and parents were largely absent. Now he withdraws from Jann’s intense feelings and irritability, escaping into tasks and insisting on adhering to a bedtime routine until emotions cool. He doesn’t know how to respond to her strong feelings and criticism, and becomes lost for words. Although he appears to show little emotion, inwardly he feels like a failure and shows elevated stress arousal. At night, when Jann tries to reach him emotionally, he turns out the light to maintain his bedtime routine. Sometimes, he erupts in angry frustration, leaving Jann feeling unsafe, insignificant, and abandoned (“You’re not there when I need you. You’re dangerous. I’ll never let myself be vulnerable again.”). Jann then retreats into self-protection, going to the den with her computer.

John wants to reach out to comfort Jann, but doesn’t know how to do it. He fears, and is confused by, her anger, rejection, and ambivalence. So he retreats into discouraged withdrawal, hoping things will improve over time. He withholds caring gestures until things improve and it feels safe. But things don’t feel safe, and they don’t improve.

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And the dance of mutual guardedness and distance continues. Anger temporarily protects against the anxiety and fear of losing the love they both crave. Arguments never seem to be resolved because the couple doesn’t know how to address the underlying attachment needs. Anger and shutting down—patterns learned in childhood to protect against confusing, overwhelming feelings—are no longer working.

Might Emotionally Focused Therapy Help?

Individual trauma therapy typically desensitizes memories, reducing many symptoms such as flashbacks and nightmares. This is so important. However, EFT addresses remaining aspects of trauma that interfere with relationships, such as difficulty

• trusting and forming lasting relationships
• engaging emotionally
• showing empathy
• negotiating personal needs
• feeling lovable and worthwhile

These are often best resolved in a safe, loving relationship. EFT helps partners build this kind of relationship. EFT does not place blame or try to prove who is wrong. Rather, it helps partners form an alliance, working together with empathy and kindness to strengthen attachment bonds—and to recognize that the enemy is not each other but those patterns learned in childhood to survive emotional pain. EFT gets beneath the anger and anxiety and frees the softer emotions that invite safety and caring. In so doing, EFT offers great hope for restoring the love in marriage that partners so long for. The next post will explore how EFT accomplishes this.