Couples Can Develop Loving Relationships Without Therapy

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here.

Dr. Susan (Sue) Johnson has been described as the world's best couples therapist; her approach addresses crucial attachment needs in adults. She has made three points:

1. Individual therapy for trauma can profoundly neutralize intrusive trauma memories.
2. Some remnants of trauma memories are best healed within the bonds of a loving, secure relationship.
3. Couples can learn and apply her work on their own to build secure, loving bonds.

This post overviews key principles and skills from Johnson’s work, known as Hold Me Tight, which helps partners build secure, loving bonds.

We Are Wired to Love and Be Loved

Contrary to earlier theorists, Johnson argues that the drive to attach ourselves emotionally to others, those who are dependable and loving, is innate, normal, and critical to health and happiness throughout life. Children who securely attach to parents tend to become calm adults who readily connect to partners. Children who lack such attachment tend to become adults who anxiously, aggressively seek connection, or who learn to withdraw emotionally.

Negative Conflict Patterns

Johnson explains that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection, where partners feel they can’t count on and depend on each other to respond warmly, dependably, and emotionally; that they don’t feel like they matter, are valued, and are needed.

In the most common conflict pattern, one partner angrily attacks, nags, or criticizes to gain a loving connection. The other partner (often, but not always, the male) withdraws, perhaps retreating to silence, work, and predictable routines. The attacker’s demands don’t invite loving connection, while withdrawing emotionally doesn’t allay the attacker’s fears of being unloved. The attacker feels abandoned; the withdrawer feels inadequate, unable to make the attacker happy. Both fear losing the love they long for. Sometimes the person who withdraws in frustration will fight back or defend himself. Conflicts repeat without resolution because unfulfilled attachment needs remain unaddressed. When hope seems lost, both partners may retreat into stony silence.

The Real Solution

The real solution is not communication skills, but:

• Understanding that the real enemy is not the partners, but patterns learned in childhood to deal with trauma and unfulfilled attachment needs.
• Learning how to help one’s partner feel securely attached—emotionally connected, valued by a dependable, loving individual.
• Learning that responding with soothing care to a partner’s distress creates lasting bonding moments, moments that say: I’m here for you.

The Seven Conversations

When both partners are willing to work on their relationship, they can effectively engage emotionally in these important conversations:

1. Recognize old patterns of conflict. The angry pursuer might say, “I see how my angry attacks put you down and drive you away.” The withdrawer might say, “I see how dismissing your feelings and pulling away moves you to become more demanding.”
2. Risking vulnerability. Johnson writes, “To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us.” We do this because we care about our partner and the relationship. We talk about what hurts without assigning blame. For example, a partner might say, “When you pull away, I feel afraid, like I did as a child when I was left alone.” Or, “When you are angry, I freeze and don’t know how to respond. I feel like I’m a failure, like I’m losing you, and I panic. All I want is to calm things down.” Now the couple is creating a climate where underlying, normal attachment can be heard. Mirror neurons tend to evoke feelings of empathy and compassion when we see someone being vulnerable.
3. Revisit a past argument. Each partner describes what happened and how each contributed to the conflict (for example, “When I was talking to you and you didn’t respond, I felt unimportant. Then I got angry and that pushed you away. Right?”). Partners explore deeper, softer feelings, such as fear, sadness, or frustration.
4. Create bonding moments. Lasting bonds are created when partners hear each other's pleas for closeness and respond with caring. Partners might discuss, “What I’m most afraid of is disappointing you." (Or being left alone, being unworthy of your love, being rejected, among others.) This helps make sense of strong emotions (anger) and puzzling behaviors (withdrawing from a partner who is in emotional distress). Turn toward the partner in distress. Reassure your partner that you love, value, and need them—that you want to be together. Share what you need from your partner (“I need to know that you’ll still want to be with me despite my imperfections”).
5. Forgive hurts. It’s not just forgiving the hurtful behavior; it’s also forgiving the insensitivity to your needs, which hurts so deeply. The offended partner explains how the offense hurt her in relation to her attachment needs. The offending partner tries to understand and validate her feelings, without dismissing or minimizing her hurt. He owns the hurt he caused and expresses remorse (for example, “I see how this hurt you. I want to try to make this better”). Both partners express what they now need to bring closure.
6. Bond through sex and touch. For happily connected couples, sex is a beautiful bonding experience that is secondary in importance to emotional closeness. Sexual intimacy usually improves over the years with commitment, the security of knowing your partner is a haven.
7. Keep love alive. Bonds deepen from regular gestures that signal “I care about you; you are worth fighting for.” Such gestures include daily hugs or phone calls, asking about your partner’s day, weekly dates, planning the future together, honoring your partner’s distress and concerns, letting your partner know you need and appreciate him or her, and respectfully explaining what you need in a way that invites your partner to respond with support.

Source: Fiskes / iStockphoto

Conclusion

We seek and work at creating secure, loving bonds with partners because secure, loving relationships help both partners to become the best versions of themselves—calmer, kinder, more resilient, more comfortable with vulnerabilities, more confident, less hostile, mentally and physically healthier, better parents, and, so importantly, creators of home environments where children flourish.