Why Some People Stay Trapped in Situationships

Maybe you don’t know the term “situationship,” but you probably know what it looks like.

It looks like texting all the time—and maybe even like lovers—but never making plans. It looks like hooking up, connecting emotionally, and then acting like you’re friends—or less—in public.

You don’t post them on your social media. They’re not integrated into your friend group or vice versa. Sure, you talk, but never about the future. Only about the present, about what you want to do right now.

You do relationship things. You feel relationship things. But there’s no label, no clarity, and, most of all, no commitment.

Somehow, no matter how much time you spend together or how intimate things get, it’s still “not a relationship.”

It’s all the work of a relationship, none of the security, and enough sex and emotional intimacy to keep you from walking away. And, let’s face it, there’s the fact that you feel romantic love for your situationship partner, even though you likely don’t tell them so.

Welcome to the situationship: a relationship-shaped illusion built on sex and emotional connection. It’s a low-commitment, high-ambiguity mess.

It’s as a kind of “partnering without partnership,” a dynamic where you’re technically single but emotionally entangled, often painfully so.

And research shows that being in a situationship can lead to higher anxiety, lower self-esteem, and more emotional distress. That’s especially true when one person wants more but doesn’t feel safe enough to say it. Sound familiar?

So, Why Are People in Situationships?

There’s lots of reasons folks end up in a situationship.

Often they’re in them hoping they turn into something real. It’s not that they’re content with how things are, but that they’re afraid if they say they want more, they’ll lose what little they do have.

And you may ask, but what do they have? Well, as one researcher pointed out, situationships provide a “false sense of forward movement” in the form of time spent with each other, sexual activity, and even sometimes dates. In other words, the situationships mimics a relationship. Well, everything but the actual commitment.

But get this: research found that even though situationships are characterized by a lack of commitment, the folks in them are typically invested both sexually and emotionally.

Despite that, the researchers still recommended that people avoid situationships—or at least push for clarity—because of the low relationship quality they provide.

Seeking Situationships at Midlife

While Gen Z coined the term situationships, and YouGov polls show roughly half of them have past experience with them, they don’t have the corner market on them.

Research with midlife women found that many—especially Black women, higher earners, and those who identify as queer—used situationships to push back on traditional expectations about dating and commitment. For them, situationships were a strategy: a way to stay autonomous, skip the casual sex they didn’t want, and still enjoy intimacy on their own terms.

For some chapters of your life, a situationship may serve you well. If you’re focused on career or personal goals, maybe a heavy commitment isn’t for you right now.

Situationships provide physical and emotional intimacy without the expectation that you meet their parents. You don’t have to negotiate the holidays. You don’t have to include them in your plans; you can do what works best for you.

It can certainly feel like you’re engaging in a romantic relationship without the (often) high stakes of a romantic relationship.

Situationships Come With Costs (Just Like Everything Else in Life)

While situationships offer a lot of freedom, they often lack consistent support. You don’t have a partner to turn to when you’re struggling.

All that ambiguity of the situationship can create doubt and sadness or fear. The fact is that you can’t count on the relationship or your situationship partner because there’s no commitment.

At some point, one of you may want more, and that may lead to conflict and anxiety. Situationships are characterized by a failure to progress. As long as that works for both parties, the relationship works. If that stops working, it all falls down.

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Red Flags in a Situationship

If a situationship meets your needs, by all means, stay in one.

But there are some red flags to watch out for: if your situationship partner isn’t curious about you or your life, or if you’re the one putting in all the effort to keep things going, or if your needs aren’t really being met, do yourself a favor and walk away.

Don’t let a fear of being single cause you to settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Don’t let your imagined future of your situationship keep you in it. Research found that a key reason folks stay in some relationships is something called “planned investments,” meaning they were hanging onto the relationship for what they believe it could become, not for what it was.

That imagined future can actually make a situationship breakup truly painful. You’re mourning what you thought could be more so than what actually was.

How to Ditch the Situationship

Committed relationships require vulnerability and authenticity. They require you to ask for what you want and be honest about how you feel. And that can be scary.

If you really want to turn a situationship into something more but you just don’t feel comfortable enough to have “the talk” with your partner, that’s a pretty strong indicator that this relationship isn’t eligible for an upgrade.

If you want to avoid future situationships, be upfront with potential partners about what you want. If you’re afraid they’ll think you’re “clingy” or “asking for too much,” that’s a pretty good sign they aren’t the one. In a healthy relationship, you can voice your needs.

If you’re starting a new relationship, pay attention to how much effort they’re giving you. Are they showing up? Are they saying what they mean? If they’re not following through and you start to feel that familiar anxiety, and notice that you don’t feel like you can voice your concerns and needs? Walk away.

It may hurt like hell as you go, but walk away.

If you’re stuck waiting, wishing, and wondering what you are to someone who never quite shows up, then go ahead and call it.

Grieve what you thought it was going to be. Take time to recover. And then, when you’re really ready, choose peace, clarity, and a connection that makes you feel comfortable enough to be honest about what you need.

Because the right relationship won’t leave you guessing.

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