Why Some Women Cheat Not to Leave, but to Stay

Source: NinaBuday/Shutterstock

Infidelity is almost always framed as a betrayal—a dagger to the heart of a marriage. But what if, for some women, cheating is actually the thing keeping their marriage together?

My research on women who cheat flips the script on everything we assume about affairs. But let’s be clear: This is not an endorsement of infidelity. Cheating is a messy, imperfect solution, a desperate workaround. These women aren’t celebrating their affairs. They are making the best of a bad situation, often landing in sexless marriages where conversations about their needs had gone nowhere.

The women I interviewed weren’t looking for a way out. They loved their spouses, valued their families, and had no interest in blowing up their lives. But they were trapped—feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and out of options.

Rather than torching their marriages, they found a workaround. They avoided a messy, heartbreaking divorce by engaging in a carefully managed, highly strategic affair to meet their needs without losing what they valued most. I call it the “infidelity workaround” because for them, that’s exactly what it was: A way to stay.

Why Monogamy Feels Impossible for Some Women

We like to think of monogamy as the gold standard, the default setting for fulfilling relationships. But for many women, it slowly suffocates their sexual desire. Or leaves them in marriages where sex disappears altogether, whether they want it to or not.

The assumption has always been that men have the higher sex drive, but research tells a different story. Studies show that in long-term relationships, it is women’s sexual desire that tanks the hardest, but not because their libidos are naturally lower. Familiarity, routine, the mental load of managing a household, and shifting dynamics all squeeze the air out of their sexual desire.

Sometimes women end up in sexless marriages they never signed up for. They want change, but despite their efforts, nothing shifts. So, after years of rejection or unmet needs, they start looking for alternatives.

At the same time, research shows that while their desire for a long-term partner dwindles, women often experience a surge in sexual interest when something new enters the picture. So, it’s not that they lose interest in sex. It’s that their current situation isn’t lighting their fire.

And sometimes resentment and the sheer exhaustion of carrying the mental and emotional load of a household smothers that flame entirely.

And so, they start looking for alternatives. But let’s be clear. This wasn’t about romance. They weren’t daydreaming about falling in love with some starry-eyed Romeo. No one was writing love letters or whispering sweet nothings.

They weren’t looking for connection. They were looking for climaxes.

Not validation. Not butterflies. Not someone to gaze into their eyes and tell them they were beautiful. Just orgasms. Full stop.

They weren’t searching for Prince Charming. They already had one at home. What they needed was someone to meet a specific, unmet need—nothing more, nothing less.

And they weren’t naïve either. As one woman put it, “Look, this guy gives me orgasms, but he’s not even in the same league as my husband. If my husband didn’t have ED, these guys wouldn’t stand a chance.”

Cheating to Stay in a Marriage?

For these women, an affair wasn’t about replacing their spouse. It was about filling a gap.

They had tried to communicate their needs, but nothing changed. Rather than stewing in frustration or resentment, they found that an affair allowed them to meet their needs elsewhere, easing tension at home and helping them stay in their marriages. Instead of growing distant or bitter, they felt more patient, engaged, and even affectionate in their day-to-day lives.

They weren’t looking for The One. They were looking for “Mr. Now and Then.” Love? Feelings? Emotional entanglements? Absolutely not.

The Pragmatism of Women’s Infidelity

I found that these women designed their affairs with military precision: strict rules, clear boundaries, and zero risk of anyone catching feelings.

Infidelity Essential Reads

The Unspoken Needs That Lead Some Men to Cheat

Restoring Intimacy After Infidelity

But let’s talk about another practical move these women made: not putting all their eggs in one basket. Many women maintained multiple affair partners at once. Not because they were greedy, but because they’d already learned from marriage that relying on just one man for everything was a risky bet. So, they kept a “roster” or “herd” of partners to ensure they always had options.

One woman put it best: "Why would I expect one affair partner to meet all my needs when my husband couldn’t?"

It was a backup system, not a romance. They weren’t juggling relationships; they were managing logistics.

Are We Setting Ourselves Up for Failure?

This research forces us to ask some uncomfortable questions about how we approach relationships, starting before we even say, “I do.”

• Why aren’t we talking about sexual expectations before marriage? We spend months planning a wedding but often skip the part where we discuss what we need sexually to stay happy in the long run.
• Why do we assume desire stays the same over time? We expect everything else in marriage to evolve, why not our sexual needs and expectations?
• Why is “just talk to your partner” treated as a fix-all? Many of these women did communicate their needs. The problem wasn’t silence. It was being unheard.
• What happens when one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t? We rarely ask what realistic options exist when sexual needs go unmet in long-term relationships.

Maybe women’s sexuality is a whole lot more complex—and pragmatic—than we’ve been led to believe.

These women weren’t looking to betray their husbands. They were looking for a way to stay. But when years of unmet needs and unheard conversations pile up, they asked themselves, what realistic choices are left? And they found no real answers.

Instead of treating every episode of infidelity as a scandal or moral failing, maybe we should be asking a different question: How can marriages evolve to actually meet both partners’ needs before one or the other partner starts looking outside of it to meet their needs?

Facebook image: Molishka/Shutterstock