Good in Love, Bad in Bed? Truths About Sexual Compatibility

Many of us think that if two people love each other, the sex will be amazing. Movies tell us this. Romance novels tell us this. Our well-meaning but deeply misinformed aunts tell us this.

But do the numbers back that up? Not exactly.

A study by psychologists Amy Offman and Kim Matheson (2005) found that sexual compatibility is a key predictor of satisfaction. And when sex is lackluster, things get messy.

For women, sexual incompatibility was linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression. For men, their partner’s perception of compatibility mattered more than the actual experience. If their partner thought the sex was good, they were happy (even if the sex wasn’t great).

But perception matters more than reality. Psychologist Kristen Mark and colleagues (2013) found that believing you’re sexually compatible is a stronger predictor of satisfaction than actually being compatible in terms of preferences or desire levels. If partners feel like a good sexual match, they’re far happier in their relationships.

But what if they don’t?

Research shows that sexual satisfaction isn’t always a given, even in committed relationships. Nearly 20 percent of married persons are in an involuntarily sexless relationship.

When sexual needs aren’t met, the consequences are serious. Research led by psychologist James McNulty and colleagues (2016) found that sexual satisfaction is one of the strongest predictors of relationship happiness, independent of love or commitment.

Another study found that nearly 50 percent of divorces cite sexual dissatisfaction as a major factor.

Love alone doesn’t guarantee great sex. If love alone won’t do it, what will?

What Makes Sex Truly Great?

In my research, I conducted in-depth interviews with people about their most memorable and fulfilling sexual experiences. I wanted to know: What does great sex mean?

Their answers were surprisingly consistent.

Chemistry as the Foundation

Love provides emotional depth, sure. But chemistry? That’s the spark that sets the whole thing on fire.

Rachel, 37, put it bluntly: “It's kind of frustrating because I’ve been in love and had mediocre sex, and I’ve had the best sex of my life with someone I didn’t even like that much.”

This flips the fairytale script. We’re led to believe that love guarantees passion, but plenty of people find themselves in deeply committed relationships where the spark just isn’t there.

Love can set the stage, but chemistry is what gets the show going.

Jenna, 40, admitted: “I thought that if I loved someone enough, the sex would just fall into place, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Love without chemistry is like a car without gas: You can sit in it all you want, but you’re not getting anywhere exciting.

Orgasms: Non-Negotiable (For Most, Anyway)

For most of my participants, orgasms were a non-negotiable.

“An orgasm isn’t just the cherry on top. It’s the whole damn sundae,” said Vanessa, 39. “When it’s good, you feel like a million bucks. When it’s disappointing, you just lay there wondering why you even bothered.”

For many people, orgasm is the highlight. The grand finale that makes everything feel worthwhile. But not everyone sees it that way. A few participants in my study emphasized that while orgasms are great, they’re not the only measure of great sex. For them, pleasure was more about connection, sensation, or even the anticipation itself.

Still, the overwhelming majority agreed: When it comes to sexual satisfaction, orgasms matter. And if they’re consistently missing, that’s when frustration starts creeping in.

Emotional Connections Matter, But Not Just Love

For some, great sex is about emotional connection, but that doesn’t always mean love.

Sex Essential Reads

What Is Digisexuality?

Attractive Women Receive Oral Sex More Than Their Peers

"Some of the best sex I’ve had was with someone I didn’t even love," said Chris, 41. "It was about trust and intensity, not romance."

Whether it’s feeling safe enough to let go, the thrill of something new, or the electricity of pure attraction, emotions play a role in unforgettable sex.

Sexual Responsiveness: Pay Attention, People

Bad sex feels like bad karaoke. You’re both trying, but no one’s hitting the right notes.

Sexual responsiveness—aka actually paying attention—is a game-changer. It’s not just about enthusiasm; it’s about syncing with your partner.

Mia, 36, explained, “Great sex? That’s when you and your partner are making music together, and neither of you wants the song to end. It’s not just about doing your own thing and being great at it. It’s about listening, adjusting, and knowing exactly when to turn up the volume.”

But being responsive isn’t just about technique. It’s about presence. If your mind is somewhere else, your body might as well be, too. That’s where sexual mindfulness comes in.

Julia, 52, shared, “I thought I was just bad at sex because my ex and I never clicked. Then I slept with someone new who actually paid attention, and I realized, oh, I’m not bad at this. I just needed someone who was actually present with me.”

What Do You Do About Sexual Incompatibility?

The good news? Sexual compatibility isn’t just about luck. It can be cultivated.

How to Improve Sexual Compatibility:

• Talk about it. Research shows couples who openly discuss sex report significantly higher satisfaction. Avoiding the conversation doesn’t make problems disappear. It just makes them awkward.
• Experiment together. Research shows that couples who actively communicate about their desires and experiment together report significantly higher sexual satisfaction than those who rely on "natural chemistry" alone.
• Stay curious. Sexual preferences shift over time. Regular check-ins keep things fresh and prevent boredom.
• Prioritize pleasure over performance. Focusing on fun over performance reduces pressure and increases satisfaction. Lower pressure equals better sex.

The Takeaway: The Secret to Great Sex

Love is beautiful. But if it were enough, every couple in love would be having mind-blowing sex. (Spoiler alert: They’re not.)

The best sex happens when partners stop assuming it should be effortless and start actively prioritizing pleasure, communication, and adaptability. What’s the real secret to great sex? It’s effort. Plus a little chemistry, a lot of communication, and the willingness to learn, listen, and put in the work. (Hey, maybe even work up a sweat while you’re at it!)