How to Stay Low-Contact With Toxic People Over the Holidays

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You may want to visit your family over the holidays, but there are one or two family members you don't want around you. It's difficult to remain no-contact with a toxic family member when you still have other family members you want to visit. How do you spend time with the people you enjoy while staying away from the people that cause you pain?

Set a Time Limit on Family Gatherings

Tell your host before the gathering that you can only stay for one or two hours (or whatever time frame works best for you). You're under no obligation to explain why you are limiting your time, and it's also no one's business. Set a timer on your phone or watch, and when your time is up, say your goodbyes. If people ask, "Why are you leaving so soon?" just tell them that you had something already scheduled. You're telling the truth—you have time put aside for self-care after you leave the gathering. You also can leave any time you feel that staying at the gathering is not in your best interest. Again, you are not obligated to explain why you are leaving.

Drive Yourself There or Use a Ride-Sharing Service

Don't rely on other people for transportation to a family event unless that person is specifically there to act as a "buffer" for you (more on that later). You need to leave whenever it's in your best interest to do so. If you are relying on someone else for transportation, it leaves you in an unhealthy or sometimes even dangerous situation. If you are visiting from out of town and a ride-sharing service is inaccessible, consider renting a car during your visit. Yes, it costs you additional money, but being able to leave a toxic situation whenever you want is priceless.

Bring a Trusted Friend as a "Buffer"

When you bring a friend to a family event, they can act as a "buffer" between you and the toxic person. Let them know the history you have with the toxic person. Also, inform them of the tricks the toxic person likes to pull to make themselves the center of attention and demean you in the process. Tell your friend that if the toxic person approaches you, distract them so you can walk away. Agree on a nonverbal cue with your friend ahead of the event. A nonverbal cue could be scratching your head or tugging on your ear. This signals to your friend that you need them to exit the gathering immediately with you.

Have a Separate Gathering

Consider not attending a family get-together where a toxic person is present. One option is to have a smaller family gathering to which the toxic person isn't invited. Other family members may feel relieved that the toxic person isn't there. Asking your family not to tell the toxic person about the gathering is impossible to enforce. Engaging in secret-keeping is not something you want to model to them as an emotionally healthy person. Yes, it will get back to the toxic person that you had a gathering without them. If the toxic person tries to confront you about it, make sure you already have blocked their phone numbers, social media accounts, and email addresses. If they send "flying monkeys" (messengers) to tell you how sad they are (playing victim), tell the flying monkeys that you aren't going to talk about someone who isn't present. If they continue to bring up the toxic person, repeat the same line. Then walk away.

Consider Whether Other Family Members Are Emotionally Healthy

While other family members may not show outwardly toxic behaviors, they probably know that the toxic person in your family has a habit of choosing targets, demeaning others, and generally ruining every holiday. You may have shared with family members why you don't want to have contact with the toxic person. However, the toxic person is still invited to their gatherings. Other family members may justify this by saying:

• "She doesn't have anywhere else to go."
• "Maybe she'll be better this year."
• "She's getting older, we don't know how many holidays we have left with her."
• "I know you've had bad experiences with her, but I just want to be kind to everyone."
• "We'll make sure she is kept busy while she's here."

Your family members may be enabling the toxic person's behavior by continuing to invite them even after they have shown inappropriate and even abusive behavior in the past. Sometimes enabling behaviors can be just as detrimental as the toxic person's behavior. Ask yourself if you really want to attend a gathering where family members still feel it is appropriate to include the toxic person. Be aware of when family members may have tried to gaslight you about the toxic person's behavior by telling you "it wasn't that bad," "that's not what really happened," or that you were being "too sensitive." You may realize that other family members are also toxic, just in a quieter way. Finding out that other family members aren't good for you can be a shock and difficult to reconcile.

Meet With a Mental Health Professional

In addition to already existing holiday stress, you have a toxic family member. Toxic people have a habit of ruining holidays, especially when they see other people feeling joy and happiness. It can be helpful to speak to a mental health professional about how the toxic person's behavior impacts you. The toxic person may have led you to engage in behaviors you didn't realize were connected to how they treat you. For example, when you know you will see the toxic person at holiday gatherings, you may start engaging in previous eating-disordered behaviors or increase substance use. A mental health professional is a neutral third party that can help you see what options you have in order to live a happy and healthy life.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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