Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do?
Do gaslighters know they're manipulative, or do they do it without realizing it?
Posted Jan 30, 2017
Since posting my article 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting, which, in part, lead to my book, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People - and Break Free, I’ve received emails asking whether people who gaslight actually know that they are doing it. To review: Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulation tactics used by abusers, narcissists, dictators, and cult leaders to gain control over a person or people. The goal is to make the victim or victims question their own reality and depend on the gaslighter. So, do gaslighters know they're doing it?
It depends on the gaslighter.
I have a whole chapter in my Gaslighting book for gaslighters who realize they're gaslighting - and how to get help.
Some people or entities that gaslight do, in fact, realize they are doing it: It is a strategy they have studied—and their sources may surprise you. Cult leader Charles Manson read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (2010) to learn how to manipulate his followers (Guinn, 2014). Guinn writes that Manson particularly focused on Chapter 7, which included this advice: “Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his." And herein lies one difference between people who pathologically gaslight and the general population—the vast majority of the thousands who have read Carnegie's book have not led lives of violence, abuse, and destruction.
One way to protect yourself from being gaslighted, therefore, is to educate yourself about gaslighters' behaviors. The book 48 Laws of Power (Greene, 2000) details the characteristics and tactics some historical figures have practiced, including steps they have taken to manipulate others. And Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (2006) explains through research how easily people can be manipulated.
Some gaslighters may have learned it from others—in many cases, their own parents. If a parent lives with addiction or other mental health issues, gaslighting may be used to manipulate a child into keeping quiet about abuse and/or addiction. Gaslighting may be used by a parent in order to alienate the child from the other parent. For example, in parental alienation, one parent may depict the other as a “deadbeat” and tell a child about the other parent’s “transgressions” in order for the child to align with the “reporting” parent and see him or her as the hero. But in order to look like the hero, the gaslighter must create a distinct enemy. This doesn’t mean that people who are children of gaslighters will adopt gaslighting behavior—for many, in fact, such an upbringing teaches them exactly what not to do when raising their own children.
Others gaslight in order to feel some sense of control in their own lives by making others depend on them. Gaslighting can also be part of an authoritarian personality. A person with an authoritarian personality tends to think in absolutes: Things are 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syntonic personality. It can be very difficult to get ego-syntonic gaslighters into treatment; they believe nothing is wrong with them. A gaslighting spouse or partner may either refuse to go to therapy, or if they do attend with you, they may tell the therapist that you are the problem. If the therapist recommends that the gaslighter changes a behavior, the gaslighter will label the therapist as incompetent. Even in therapy, a gaslighter may not truly be aware of, or may refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is the problem.
Even if a person is practicing gaslighting behavior without being consciously aware of it, they may get a “payoff” when their victim becomes more dependent on them. And then the cycle continues. The gaslighter also gets a “boost” when there are no checks and balances in place—no one holding them accountable for their behavior. For example, a cult leader may exile or kill anyone who tells others that the leader is not treating followers fairly. Subsequently, further followers may not speak out for fear of their lives. Keep in mind that dependency is one of the goals of gaslighters.
If a gaslighter is not aware of their manipulative behavior, that does not make it acceptable—it is still pathological, and it is still their responsibility. For gaslighters who have read up on this behavior or were taught it, of course, the same rule applies.
If you think you might be in a relationship with a narcissist (they tend to practice gaslighting) and are unsure what to do, see my previous posts:
- 10 Signs You Are in a Relationship with a Narcissist
- 8 More Signs You're With a Narcissist
- So You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist, Now What?
Also read about coping and surviving gaslighting in my book:
Carnegie, D. (2010). How to win friends and influence people. Simon and Schuster.
Cialdini, R. (2006, rev.) Influence: The psychology of persuasion. Harper Business.
Guinn, J. (2014). Manson: The life and times of Charles Manson. Simon and Schuster.