How to Help the Child Who Doesn't Fit In

Nonverbal language skill is very important in the development of relationships. Difficulties in nonverbal communication could short-circuit children’s attempts to connect with others to form friendships, leaving them isolated and alone.

Dependence on screens and the forced isolation of the pandemic interfered with the usual informal and indirect ways nonverbal language is learned and left many children with nonverbal deficits. To counter such loss, parents and teachers need to take an active role in directly teaching children the seven channels of nonverbal language: facial expressions, postures, gestures, personal space, touch, rhythm, and objectics, or what a child wears.

As children return to school, shortcomings in nonverbal communication may cause social problems that were hidden during the summer recess. Before any such deficits deepen, now is the time to help kids learn what they need to make friends. Here is what they need to know about facial expressions, the first of the seven types of nonverbal language.

The Smile

Of all the wondrous events that occur during an infant’s first year none is more significant for social development than the appearance of the first real smile! You know it is real because it invites you into a lifelong relationship.

Smiling and appropriate eye contact are two of the best predictors of children’s social adjustment and happiness. In fact, infants and young children smile more often than people of any other age group, somewhere around 200 to 300 times a day. The sad news is that as we get older, we smile less, bottoming out at about 20 or so times a day as adults.

What other emotions do faces express?

The face can produce an amazing array of expressions through its 43 muscles. Even a simple smile isn’t so simple; it turns out that 19 different smiles have been identified so far!

The development of more complex emotional facial expressions depends on mastering the core emotions of happy, sad, anger, fear, disgust and surprise. It’s crucial for children learn appropriate use of the core emotional facial expressions when interacting with others.

Here are some ways to evaluate how adept children are at expressing emotions and to help them learn what they may be lacking.

1. Catch your child exhibiting an emotion with their face and identify it by name. Say something like, “Oh my, what a happy face!” or “Something made you very angry, didn’t it. I can tell” With older children you can explain what you noted in the child’s facial expression.

2. Say something like, “You just received the present you always wanted. Can you show me with your face how you feel?” Similarly elicits other emotions, those that are more intense and those t hat are less so.

3. Sit with your child in front of a mirror. Make a happy, sad, angry, or fearful face, and ask your child to copy you. (with older children you can point out what part of the facial expression was copied well or not)

A Note About the Resting Face

The resting face is the facial expression we exhibit when we are not feeling any emotion. Even when our face is at rest it may be communicating an emotion that we do not feel.

Studies show that about one in four children have a resting face seen by others as expressing negative emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness. Imagine the effect that would have on other children’s decision to approach them! (By the way, the possibility of having a negative resting facial expression increases as we age, because of changes in the structure of the face.)

Reading Emotions in the Faces of Others

Accuracy in expressing emotions via our faces is only half the story. Children must also learn to read the emotions in the facial expressions of others. It takes a while for infants’ eyesight to improve enough to discern facial expressions and begin the lifelong task of identifying the emotional information they possess.

Helpful Tips

1. Since young children are going to learn how to identify emotions in faces from you it is important for you to check out your own ability to accurately express the core emotions.

Go through magazines or books that contain photos of facial expressions. Ask your child to identify the emotions shown. (Have older children find and cut out facial expressions of a specific emotion.) This exercise can serve both as an evaluation of how accurate they are and as practice focusing on one emotion.

Body Language Essential Reads

Are Murderous Gestures Unfinished Thoughts?

Smoothing Your Interactions

Turn off the sound and play something from YouTube or a recording of a television show that includes a variety of facial expressions, and see how well your child can correctly identify emotions.

Conclusion

Being able to accurately send our own and read others' facial expressions is central to creating and maintaining social relationships. It is so tied to children’s happiness that parents are urged to help children learn these skills.