Inner Children and Holidays

At holiday time, our inner children want to come out and play. Even if the adult in us disapproves or if circumstances are not so happy, holiday time is like stepping into a bakery. Even if you weren’t hungry before, suddenly you want to have some of those delicious treats. Honoring your child within will help you have a better holiday no matter what the circumstances. How can we do that?

Most of us know how to honor our inner childlike needs is by enjoying the pleasure of others, especially children. What makes parties and vacations so good is that they take us back to times in our lives when we could be carefree and taken care of. As adults, there are moments when we can push back worries and concerns and relax.

When we have the “holiday blues” it is most often because our inner child has been awakened by delightful sights and smells, but doesn’t expect to be taken care of. Being a good parent to your inner child is knowing that, even if wishes can’t be fulfilled, simply recognizing them and understanding them heals our pain and disappointment. This can only happen when an attitude of warmth and acceptance encourages our young self to come into the light of consciousness.

From an early age, we value how grown up we are and learn to feel ashamed of “immaturity.” Once embedded in our conscience, these values continue to be the yardsticks by which we evaluate ourselves. Especially if playfulness or neediness once led to hurt, we shame ourselves and suppress those wonderful qualities. If your adult disapproves of your own childlike yearnings and thoughts, they will go into hiding, out of reach of understanding or healing. If so, it is time to ask whether those old values might need to be updated. After all, young qualities are a big part of being a healthy adult.

If you feel shame about your young thoughts and impulses, then think that they are coming from your creative, innovative, fun-loving self. Suppress any of your young qualities and your whole inner child will be buried. Now is the time to question your values and be accepting of needs for attention, nurturing, cuddling, play, silliness, and gifts. But what if you listen inside and find wishes that can’t be fulfilled?

Here is the trick: As children, we learn to suppress our young qualities. As adults, we can learn a better way: Split wishes from actions. If we acknowledge and honor our wishes and impulses, then we can choose whether and when to act on them. That is the key to being an adult with a beloved child inside.

Jeffery Smith MD

Author of How We Heal and Grow