How to Reset a Low-Self-Worth Default

If you read my post How Low Self-Worth Quietly Shapes Your Life and you felt a resonance with this concept, let’s take the next step and start working on developing a deeper goal by resetting how you think about yourself when no one is around.

Struggling with low self-esteem means you likely have a default mental state. So, when you aren’t doing a task, connecting with people around you, or focused in some way, your brain defaults to thinking about your perceived failures, setbacks, how others may or may not see you, ways you are different, or how you may be found out as not good enough. This default state primes the pump, so when you hit a slight or setback—in the moment—you immediately feel triggered and upset with yourself in some way.

To change this pattern, deliberately commit to catching yourself when you experience this and force yourself to establish a new default. Do this, and, eventually, neurons will change, and you will have a new way of connecting with yourself.

5 Strategies for Changing This Default Mental State

1. Recognize the bigger picture. Instead of letting yourself get absorbed into specific worries or scenarios, pan the lens and recognize how long you’ve beat up on yourself and how much time you have wasted making yourself feel bad about events that pass without consequence beyond making yourself feel bad. It was hardly worth all of that emotional energy, right?
2. Set limits on overthinking spirals. Many with low self-esteem feel they have to rethink the events in their life to ward off failure or rejection—this is superstitious thinking. Accept that overthinking and doubting yourself don’t actually help you to improve or grow into a better person. Self-criticism or ruminating about your flaws does not keep you from failure. Quite the contrary, all of the second-guessing keeps you stuck in low self-esteem and anxiety and renders you highly anxious when normative adversity strikes.
3. Identify your fears. When you are triggered by something in your environment, such as a negative social interaction, being passed up for a promotion at work, or feeling generally less than others, there is usually a deeper fear in play. See if you can work on understanding the deeper fears that initiate your overthinking spirals. So, if you find yourself dwelling on whether you did the right thing at work: Are you afraid of being overlooked? If you find yourself overthinking social interactions: Are you afraid of being found out as not good enough? Then challenge the fear through reminding yourself that setbacks are temporary versus permanent statements about your worth; there will be more opportunities for easier social interactions or achievements in the future. Most importantly, your fear may be irrational given the facts of the situation and more representative of your low self-worth than a reality of how the world views you.
4. Develop a self-worth ritual. For most with low self-esteem, there is a kind of discomfort of being alone in their body and thoughts. This usually turns into a self-critical overthinking loop. Instead, grow the muscle of internal peace by putting aside 15 minutes most days to sit with yourself. You can journal and develop alternative thoughts about yourself—like “You are enough just as you are,” “You can be you and be OK,” “You are whole right now just as you are,” “You deserve peace,” and “You deserve kindness.” Build tolerance for being in your body and eventually a love for having time to be present with just you.
5. Consider what brings you meaning and joy. It’s easy when going from one self-esteem crisis to the next to overlook what drives you and brings you meaning on a deeper level. Take time to consider your values and larger goals outside of being perceived as good enough. What deeply brings you joy?